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5 Lies Wives Tell Themselves About Their Husband’s Porn Addiction

29Apr

About the Author

Polly Scott Polly Scott

As Editor-in-Chief of the Addo Blog and the Producer & Host of Addo TV, Polly Scott, M.Ed. interviews therapists, recovering addicts, spouses of addicts, and others about their experiences. Her goal is to bring awkward subjects to light without fear or shame and to help people connect with their loved ones. She helps wives find healing from the broken trust they experience because of their husband’s porn use. Polly is happily married to Jake, an porn addict in recovery. They have three children.

Comments (11)

Marsha - May 14, 2017 11:25 pm

Nothing in this article addresses the fact there can be no healing without true repentance. Book after book and article after article I have read fail to address the issue of denial.

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    Maria Taheny, PhD - July 17, 2017 6:43 am

    That is probably because denial and minimizing are barriers to healing. Husbands get angry because they have cognitive dissonance (when their actions conflict with their self-image and moral values.) There are three ways people deal with cognitive dissonance: Deny the behavior, minimize the behavior or admit the behavior is in contradiction with their moral code. Once a person admits it, THEN they are capable of changing the behavior (which is why it is so important for wives to “speak their truth.” Sometimes men go through the first two things repeatedly before they finally admit it to themselves.)

    I would suggest giving real, tangible consequences (such as separation) sometimes encourages admission. One good book to read is “Elements of Reparation: Truth, Faith, and Transformation in the Works of Heidegger, Bion, and Beyond” by Brent Potter, PhD. He examines this idea of healing from a recovering addict’s perspective. (He is also a personal friend and deeply faith-filled clinician. I have spoken to him on a personal level regarding my own husbad’s porn addiction.) You can find his book here:
    http://a.co/0n3IYQT

    But you are right. There is little out there that deals with denial from the addicted spouse because that usually leads to divorce. Internet porn is so insidious and pervasive, it can destroy a marriage before the spouses ever know what hit them…literally.

    Sally - July 18, 2017 11:39 am

    I found this article really helpful for myself, if only my husband would read it! As his porn addiction caused problems in previous relationships (I didn’t find this out till after our marriage), I do not understand why he is still in denial about how destructive his addiction is, it has totally ruined our marriage.

    Maria - September 7, 2017 6:49 pm

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Mr B - July 2, 2017 3:44 pm

You make blanket statements expression opinion, nothing scientific or medical based here… it just your version of how you’d like the world to be…very judgemental im afraid.

Reply
Kendra crook - July 24, 2017 10:14 pm

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Sands - July 31, 2017 8:16 pm

My husband and I are trying to reconcile , I’ve confronted him his pornography. He said he deleted everything and only had videos and images of me. Well that good intuition that need to hard drive in his backpack that he travels with. In it I found hundreds of videos and pictures! And anger I brought the heart rate and later confronted him But did not tell him about breaking the hard drive he found that out on it so the next day when he went into supposedly delete everything on it. I told him he lied when he said there was only items of me. He immediately said it’s not my fault it is his own problem. But him doing that is better than being with another woman! He also said that I’d probably try to get revenge and be with another man, as I have done in the past. I am trying to recover myself from mental disorders. My focuses on myself and on my marriage. The more I think about it he was doing as he always does with the conversation to make it my fault, he was upset that I broke his heart rate but I said how long till you download more? He did not know the answer to that. He said if I wanted him to go to therapy or an SAA group he would. I explained that he cannot do it for me alone, he has to admit he has an addiction . He remains upset with me and distant, and we go to therapy I will see what comes of it. I will no longer make excuse or compromise or accept it. I’d hate for this to end what’s left of our relationship, but it is what it’s. Not my problem, but I’m willing to do my part.

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Michelle Hall - August 5, 2017 7:35 pm

My husband had an addiction to porn during his previous marriage and he did confess it to me before we got married. I respected him for telling me and being honest. He told me that he was confident that he can remain in recovery! I understood and asked him to tell me if he ever feels himself slipping and that we would work though it together.
We have four children been married for eight years now and two nights ago I caught him in the act! My world has been shattered!
Not only did he hide it from me, I found out in the worst possible way and at the worst possible time in our lives. What I mean by the worst time in our lives is this;
At the end of January this year I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cance, I had to have a bilateral mastectomy and had to go though month of chemo. He has told me that it started two months before I was diagnosed.
I truly want to believe him, forgive him and help him through it like I promised I would before we got married. However other than feeling betrayed and devasted – I looked at my bald head (now covered in peach fuzz) and then looked at my chest, where I had natural full breasts I now have tissue expanders with two big scars where my nipples used to be, under my left arm a long scar where they removed some of my lymph nodes, and lastly another scar on my collar bone where I had my chemo port.
When I saw all of this And thought of what he was looking at I felt so ugly and so unattractive and unwanted. When I was going through hell my husband was engaging in his porn addiction. The hurt and pain is still so fresh. I know that I still love him and still want our marriage to work and that I need to forgive him and I will try my best, but this hurt so so much. He is a good man and I understand that this is an addiction and he hates himself for the pain he has caused. This couldn’t have come at a worse time for me, I am fighting to stay positive and strong as next month I will be having my reconstructive surgery which has a long and painful recovery and I need all the strength I have left to get through this, but today I feel so broken, so lost, so ugly. I have been reading that our husbands porn addiction isn’t our fault and nothing to do with us, however it is hard to believe that when I see what I see in the mirror. This article did help, I just have to believe it. We have four children and a long road of cancer treatment and recovery and I just don’t know how or where to start recovering and moving forward from this.

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    suzie dunson - September 2, 2017 5:15 pm

    My heart goes out to you. What i do know is we have a father who knows out true beauty. He created us perfectly. Ive come to realize that God is truly the only one who loves me just as i am….he is the one who can give us what we need. Turn to him. Pray with thanksgiving. God bless you…your perfect as you are…

Kari - August 28, 2017 4:24 pm

Thank you for this. I have been dealing with this for a long time and now have serious depression from it. I have many health problems and don’t look like I used to. I have gained a lot of weight from medications and don’t feel sexy anymore. I have tried to keep the bedroom life going even though I hurt all the time. He has become less and less interested in me over the years and I can’t help but feel it is because of me. He can only get half hard when we try to be together. I even stopped taking a couple of my medications so I could loose weight. I find myself looking through the porn he looks at to see what I can do to get him interested in me again. When we do have sex I find I feel grateful he is at least touching me. I throw myself at him daily while pleading inside for him to please want me at least just a little. He just brushes me off and acts like I am being silly. The other night I was making advances towards him and he shut me down. Told me he couldn’t sleep so he was going downstairs so he wouldn’t keep me awake. I came down a little later and couldn’t find him. I went in the garage and there he was with pants down and video going. He can only get semi hard with me but he was fully erect for the girl in the video. It is really difficult to convince myself it is not me. I just feel like we have turned into just good friends. I think I am going to stop trying to throw myself at him and start taking all my meds again. I think I might go see a therapist, too.

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Granna - September 2, 2017 5:08 pm

My husband walked out…again
Thats how he manages his addition. I knew he was going into crisis. I couldn’t help him. I did try. Mine admits he has a porn addiction in his past. Ruined two marriages. Only now he blames me for not loving him. Which isnt true. I do admit i resent his lack of wanting to change. I resent how much he tares down our home. Over and over. Only to return once its a real mess. Claiming he loves me. My porn addict has pulled the wind out of my life. Im so tired. Its chaos. Its impossible to live with him. He just doesnt seem to mind losing everything over and over. I cant make ends meet alone. So i wait until it is all gone and just survive it…im really tired

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