5 Lies Wives Tell Themselves About Their Husband’s Porn Addiction | IntegrityRestored.com

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5 Lies Wives Tell Themselves About Their Husband’s Porn Addiction

29Apr

About the Author

Polly Scott Polly Scott

As Editor-in-Chief of the Addo Blog and the Producer & Host of Addo TV, Polly Scott, M.Ed. interviews therapists, recovering addicts, spouses of addicts, and others about their experiences. Her goal is to bring awkward subjects to light without fear or shame and to help people connect with their loved ones. She helps wives find healing from the broken trust they experience because of their husband's porn use. Polly is happily married to Jake, an porn addict in recovery. They have three children.

Comments (15)

Dee - December 15, 2015 4:42 am

Thank you because this help me so much!

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Marsha - May 14, 2017 11:25 pm

Nothing in this article addresses the fact there can be no healing without true repentance. Book after book and article after article I have read fail to address the issue of denial.

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    Maria Taheny, PhD - July 17, 2017 6:43 am

    That is probably because denial and minimizing are barriers to healing. Husbands get angry because they have cognitive dissonance (when their actions conflict with their self-image and moral values.) There are three ways people deal with cognitive dissonance: Deny the behavior, minimize the behavior or admit the behavior is in contradiction with their moral code. Once a person admits it, THEN they are capable of changing the behavior (which is why it is so important for wives to “speak their truth.” Sometimes men go through the first two things repeatedly before they finally admit it to themselves.)

    I would suggest giving real, tangible consequences (such as separation) sometimes encourages admission. One good book to read is “Elements of Reparation: Truth, Faith, and Transformation in the Works of Heidegger, Bion, and Beyond” by Brent Potter, PhD. He examines this idea of healing from a recovering addict’s perspective. (He is also a personal friend and deeply faith-filled clinician. I have spoken to him on a personal level regarding my own husbad’s porn addiction.) You can find his book here:
    http://a.co/0n3IYQT

    But you are right. There is little out there that deals with denial from the addicted spouse because that usually leads to divorce. Internet porn is so insidious and pervasive, it can destroy a marriage before the spouses ever know what hit them…literally.

    Sally - July 18, 2017 11:39 am

    I found this article really helpful for myself, if only my husband would read it! As his porn addiction caused problems in previous relationships (I didn’t find this out till after our marriage), I do not understand why he is still in denial about how destructive his addiction is, it has totally ruined our marriage.

Mr B - July 2, 2017 3:44 pm

You make blanket statements expression opinion, nothing scientific or medical based here… it just your version of how you’d like the world to be…very judgemental im afraid.

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Sands - July 31, 2017 8:16 pm

My husband and I are trying to reconcile , I’ve confronted him his pornography. He said he deleted everything and only had videos and images of me. Well that good intuition that need to hard drive in his backpack that he travels with. In it I found hundreds of videos and pictures! And anger I brought the heart rate and later confronted him But did not tell him about breaking the hard drive he found that out on it so the next day when he went into supposedly delete everything on it. I told him he lied when he said there was only items of me. He immediately said it’s not my fault it is his own problem. But him doing that is better than being with another woman! He also said that I’d probably try to get revenge and be with another man, as I have done in the past. I am trying to recover myself from mental disorders. My focuses on myself and on my marriage. The more I think about it he was doing as he always does with the conversation to make it my fault, he was upset that I broke his heart rate but I said how long till you download more? He did not know the answer to that. He said if I wanted him to go to therapy or an SAA group he would. I explained that he cannot do it for me alone, he has to admit he has an addiction . He remains upset with me and distant, and we go to therapy I will see what comes of it. I will no longer make excuse or compromise or accept it. I’d hate for this to end what’s left of our relationship, but it is what it’s. Not my problem, but I’m willing to do my part.

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Michelle Hall - August 5, 2017 7:35 pm

My husband had an addiction to porn during his previous marriage and he did confess it to me before we got married. I respected him for telling me and being honest. He told me that he was confident that he can remain in recovery! I understood and asked him to tell me if he ever feels himself slipping and that we would work though it together.
We have four children been married for eight years now and two nights ago I caught him in the act! My world has been shattered!
Not only did he hide it from me, I found out in the worst possible way and at the worst possible time in our lives. What I mean by the worst time in our lives is this;
At the end of January this year I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cance, I had to have a bilateral mastectomy and had to go though month of chemo. He has told me that it started two months before I was diagnosed.
I truly want to believe him, forgive him and help him through it like I promised I would before we got married. However other than feeling betrayed and devasted – I looked at my bald head (now covered in peach fuzz) and then looked at my chest, where I had natural full breasts I now have tissue expanders with two big scars where my nipples used to be, under my left arm a long scar where they removed some of my lymph nodes, and lastly another scar on my collar bone where I had my chemo port.
When I saw all of this And thought of what he was looking at I felt so ugly and so unattractive and unwanted. When I was going through hell my husband was engaging in his porn addiction. The hurt and pain is still so fresh. I know that I still love him and still want our marriage to work and that I need to forgive him and I will try my best, but this hurt so so much. He is a good man and I understand that this is an addiction and he hates himself for the pain he has caused. This couldn’t have come at a worse time for me, I am fighting to stay positive and strong as next month I will be having my reconstructive surgery which has a long and painful recovery and I need all the strength I have left to get through this, but today I feel so broken, so lost, so ugly. I have been reading that our husbands porn addiction isn’t our fault and nothing to do with us, however it is hard to believe that when I see what I see in the mirror. This article did help, I just have to believe it. We have four children and a long road of cancer treatment and recovery and I just don’t know how or where to start recovering and moving forward from this.

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    suzie dunson - September 2, 2017 5:15 pm

    My heart goes out to you. What i do know is we have a father who knows out true beauty. He created us perfectly. Ive come to realize that God is truly the only one who loves me just as i am….he is the one who can give us what we need. Turn to him. Pray with thanksgiving. God bless you…your perfect as you are…

    Sarah - April 15, 2018 4:20 pm

    I felt such empathy for you Michelle as I read your comment–as if you were sitting beside me. Your thoughts when you look in the mirror, are exactly how I feel. I know I’m not supposed to relate the two–my husband’s addiction to essentially fantasizing about other women is not related to my looks/his attractiveness to me. I can tell myself that 1 million times, but logically, the two do have a relationship. It’s lying to myself by denying the logically, even if slight, correlation between my husband’s attraction to me and his porn use.

    Your circumstances–*sigh* what the frick is wrong with people! Lately, I’ve. been so disappointed with how many people, even Christians who claim to walk with God, wreck daily havoc on others due to their insatiable appetite for instant gratification–at all costs to others. Pure thick selfishness.

    My “Mr. Nice guy” husband would do the same. You sound very patient and Willing to understand his problem. In my humble opinion, your husband is not a nice guy and neither is mine. Well, your husband sounds a lot nicer than mine, but you’re married to a man who lacked self-discipline to abstain from indulging in, lets be honest, other women when you were in the midst of so much emotional and physical misery. Im sure you had/have great aatLiterally everyone except my mom & sister think I’m losing my mind. My husband comes across as gentle, loving, super dad, a good listener, and motivated to change–and it’s all a show. It’s taken me 15 months to (finally) conclude my husband’s a covert narcissist. The past 15 months of 1.) teaching myself how to find deleted data recovery and 2.) Sifting through the online data….#2 was and sadly still is, destroying me.

    My husband lies like no one I’ve met. He reminds me of Donald Trump (trust me, just trust me folks, you can trust me when all evidence pointed that Trump was a liar, cheater, womanizer, etc) where he just keeps repeating the same statement in hopes I’ll eventually have to believe it. The psychology behind this manipulation technique is astounding and quite honestly, impressive, yet I’m definitely feeling and showing signs of emotional abuse due to weekly gaslighting. I get 1-2 weeks of a breaks about every 6 weeks. During that time, I’m swept off my feet by this awesome man God has made and brought to me. Then, he starts acting less attracted to me, or he doesn’t get erect in a situation where he’d always be “ready” 🙂 with me, or I discover yet another video he watched last week. I confront, he denies, I feel ultra taken advantage of and manipulated–tricked into thinking I was enough during those 2 weeks. The cycle resumes. It was only on lause. 🙁

    My husband’s in a sex addicts class now that he’s lying to. He has to tell his sex addicts group if he masturbates (that feels wrong/unhealthy to me btw). I don’t have direct proof, but the normal behavior anomolies.

    I have learned my husband’s body very well over the past year. I can literally see when he’s not masturbated and/or viewed porn., as in see his body’s reaction to me if that makes sense. I’ve told him his body cannot lie.

    Last night after no sex for 7 days, and his claim of no masturbation, we had sex (finally). After 10 min. of steamy sex, I knew he was again lying. 🙁 MY HUSBAND and frankly most men who hadn’t orgasmed in 7 days, would need ice cold water continuously dumped on their bare skin during good/great (?) sex to hold an orgasm for this long. I know 10 min. doesn’t sound long, but we’re talking about 7 days here ladies plus I wore lingerie, etc. He lasted 20 or so more min. (a total of 30-45 start to finish).

    I no longer could hold out. I blurt out in a I’m-still-going-to-pleasure-me/you-but-you-will-know-now kind of seductive voice “you’re such a liar and I’m tired of it.” This was obviously awkward since we’re stilk actively having sex. \°o°/. We continue for 5 min., I reach orgasm, 5 more min., and gyess what? The man who hasnt orgasmed in a record-brraking 7 days is still going strong! Its a miracle folks! A miracle I tell ya!!! Y.e.a.h. R.i.g.h.t. I ask if he cant orgasm. He says that he can but he was holding out for me (Trump alert). He closes his eyes …. 🙁 as if focusing real hard (fantasizing about someone other than me) and orgasms within 3 min.

    I couldn’t hide my emotions. I couldn’t keep up the “I’m sexy and strong” until the time was more appropriate to resume fighting. I burst into tears and said, “You’ll never be open with me. You’ll never trust that you can be open and honest with me about what you feel is your shameful behavior. We will never have the genuine closeness we both yearn for b/c you’ve chose to never reveal your true self to anyone. I can accept the masturbation and even regulated porn, but I cannot also bare the weight of your lies & gaslighting! I’m breaking. The load is too heavy.” Like Trump, my husband just repeated the same line with sprinkles of gaslighting (it wasn’t that he clearly had a delayed and almost forced orgasm–He was holding out for me, thus I’m a terrible ungrateful person ) . He said, “I’ve destroyed any trust you’ll have in me because I’ve lied to you so much. Even when I’m not lying such as now, you can’t believe me and it’s my fault.” ******Do you see the very subtle gaslighting in there?****** His statement appears that he’s owning it, yet by injecting me in the sentence, he’s actually blaming ME! HIS statement says, “Another woman would believe me, but you are damaged goods and it’s your [my] fault b/c I choose to distrust him.”

    This us crazy right?! Scene: 2 minutes post-sex. I’m sitting on top of my husband, he’s still um…our bodies are in same sexual engagement (so embarrassing writing this). I’ve made myself ultra vulnerable (again) going against my own judgement, allowing myself to be intimate void trust that he cherishes & doesn’t supplement our intimacy——and he’s gaslighting me. He’s not empathetic. He asks no questions to better understand how I feel. He shuns this final opportunity in a non-hostile interaction, to come clean. He simply talks about himself and how sad he is that I’ve chose to not trust his lies.

    I don’t want to admit this and perhaps it’s a fleeting feeling, but I feel like in that moment, while on top of him and crying, I fell out of love with my husband. For some reason, as I write this, I feel a sense of relief. If I don’t love him, he can no longer hurt me at an abusive level.

    Is it God determining that I’ve had enough? That I cannot take it anymore, so he’s shielding my heart? I’ve begged God to give me relief from my emotional codependentancy and intertwined soul connection with this man who refuses to stop abusing my emotions. I knew God was saying, “trust me. It’s not time yet and that God gifted me with overwhelming hope for struggling people. God promised he would never leave me…..And He didnt. At least for today, my entire being does not ache with shame, rejection, and ugliness. At least for today, God grants me relief .

    Feel free to email me if you want to chat: mexicansage@hotmail.com

    Lisa - May 12, 2018 1:06 am

    I’m so sorry for your pain. I know we are at different points in our lives but after having my 5 children and losing all the weight and having breast augmentation surgery I look the best I have looked in my entire life, my husband still can’t quit porn, it’s destroying us. I can’t get prettier or skinnier, it breaks my heart knowing I can’t look good enough to stop him. It doesn’t matter how you look, you are his wife and mother of his children, there is no one more beautiful than that!

Kari - August 28, 2017 4:24 pm

Thank you for this. I have been dealing with this for a long time and now have serious depression from it. I have many health problems and don’t look like I used to. I have gained a lot of weight from medications and don’t feel sexy anymore. I have tried to keep the bedroom life going even though I hurt all the time. He has become less and less interested in me over the years and I can’t help but feel it is because of me. He can only get half hard when we try to be together. I even stopped taking a couple of my medications so I could loose weight. I find myself looking through the porn he looks at to see what I can do to get him interested in me again. When we do have sex I find I feel grateful he is at least touching me. I throw myself at him daily while pleading inside for him to please want me at least just a little. He just brushes me off and acts like I am being silly. The other night I was making advances towards him and he shut me down. Told me he couldn’t sleep so he was going downstairs so he wouldn’t keep me awake. I came down a little later and couldn’t find him. I went in the garage and there he was with pants down and video going. He can only get semi hard with me but he was fully erect for the girl in the video. It is really difficult to convince myself it is not me. I just feel like we have turned into just good friends. I think I am going to stop trying to throw myself at him and start taking all my meds again. I think I might go see a therapist, too.

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Granna - September 2, 2017 5:08 pm

My husband walked out…again
Thats how he manages his addition. I knew he was going into crisis. I couldn’t help him. I did try. Mine admits he has a porn addiction in his past. Ruined two marriages. Only now he blames me for not loving him. Which isnt true. I do admit i resent his lack of wanting to change. I resent how much he tares down our home. Over and over. Only to return once its a real mess. Claiming he loves me. My porn addict has pulled the wind out of my life. Im so tired. Its chaos. Its impossible to live with him. He just doesnt seem to mind losing everything over and over. I cant make ends meet alone. So i wait until it is all gone and just survive it…im really tired

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charlotte - January 24, 2018 2:40 pm

If I could give any advice to a woman with husband that has an ongoing porn addiction, it would be to RUN. Run as far and as fast as you can. This behaviour never changes, maybe they say it does, but it doesn’t. Maybe they stop for a little while, but they start again. Then you are so invested in the relationship that it feels impossible to leave. So keep your morals, and stay true to yourself. Women are strong and it is possible to be independent, even if you have children. You deserve to live a happy and confident life.

My marriage is ruined. I have no trust or respect for my husband. The lies and deceit have completely destroyed what little relationship we have left. I don’t feel comfortable undressing in front of him, I don’t want him to touch me, when we do have sex all I think about is pornography, it is horrible.. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. It is not healthy and I wish I had run before I was so invested.

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Maggie - February 16, 2018 1:30 am

Not only did I find out that my fiancé of 4 years is addicted to porn, I found out that he is obsessed with very large women. I had no clue that he was even attracted to big women? Here I am beating myself up for recently putting on a few pounds because I’m a size 12 and worrying that he would not find me attractive anymore and little did I know he has this sick addiction to porn and very large women all this while. When I confronted him he admitted it and quickly apologized to me. He admitted that this caused trouble in his first marriage but it was swept under the rug. My reaction to his addiction was very strong and confrontational. I refuse to be with a man whom I was going to marry that prefers to fantasize and masturbate to an online virutal whore. I don’t deserve this selfish act and refuse to stay with a man who clearly makes a conscious choice to continute this sick obsession. Who in their right mind can be intimate with a man who is absent during intimacy because he is busy lusting, fantasizing over a porn site. This behavior is very damaging and hurtful to women. And until men are made accountable for their actions and physically seek ongoing help, there will be no forgiveness. Even if they choose to take these steps, I no longer feel I can submit to a sneaky, cheating full of words with no actions man again. Perhaps he is truly sorry and claims he made an appointment with a Therapist. How can I trust him again? Do I spend the rest of my years wondering if he’s going behind my back? Is this fair to me? It’s bad enough that women blame themselves for their man’s addiction which is WRONG! We pick ourselves apart and are left to feel we didn’t do it for them? When it’s clearly their issue, not ours. Yes, I may sound bitter but I can’t help but wonder what would my fiance do if he discovered that I’m masturbating to well hung men and prefer this behavior over him? I highly doubt if he could fathom that thought. I do not feel that this addiction can be cured. If so, why wait to be caught to seek out help? In my opinion, most men do not even feel that their addiction is a problem. I am not blaming porn addiction totally on men either, I realize that women do this too and ruin relationships and lives. All I can say this is not fair nor right and I personally won’t tolerate it no matter how much I love him.

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Marie - March 16, 2018 11:06 pm

I am crying as I read the comments. My heart is broken as we only said our marriage vows a year ago. I found out my husband was addicted to porn during the year, but I thought he was in recovery. I just found out he is still actively involved and when I talked with him about it today he admitted it; also telling me “you are not my type”. I felt totally betrayed and deceived. He acted very attracted to me when we were dating. I enjoy being intimate and have tried to please him always. He said his involvement was partly my fault because I Hurt his feelings at times. He does not seem to take full responsibility for his addiction.
I feel so devastated.

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