5 Lies Wives Tell Themselves About Their Husband’s Porn Addiction | IntegrityRestored.com

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5 Lies Wives Tell Themselves About Their Husband’s Porn Addiction

29Apr

About the Author

Polly Scott Polly Scott

As Editor-in-Chief of the Addo Blog and the Producer & Host of Addo TV, Polly Scott, M.Ed. interviews therapists, recovering addicts, spouses of addicts, and others about their experiences. Her goal is to bring awkward subjects to light without fear or shame and to help people connect with their loved ones. She helps wives find healing from the broken trust they experience because of their husband's porn use. Polly is happily married to Jake, an porn addict in recovery. They have three children.

Comments (39)

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Dee - December 15, 2015 4:42 am

Thank you because this help me so much!

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Marsha - May 14, 2017 11:25 pm

Nothing in this article addresses the fact there can be no healing without true repentance. Book after book and article after article I have read fail to address the issue of denial.

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    Maria Taheny, PhD - July 17, 2017 6:43 am

    That is probably because denial and minimizing are barriers to healing. Husbands get angry because they have cognitive dissonance (when their actions conflict with their self-image and moral values.) There are three ways people deal with cognitive dissonance: Deny the behavior, minimize the behavior or admit the behavior is in contradiction with their moral code. Once a person admits it, THEN they are capable of changing the behavior (which is why it is so important for wives to “speak their truth.” Sometimes men go through the first two things repeatedly before they finally admit it to themselves.)

    I would suggest giving real, tangible consequences (such as separation) sometimes encourages admission. One good book to read is “Elements of Reparation: Truth, Faith, and Transformation in the Works of Heidegger, Bion, and Beyond” by Brent Potter, PhD. He examines this idea of healing from a recovering addict’s perspective. (He is also a personal friend and deeply faith-filled clinician. I have spoken to him on a personal level regarding my own husbad’s porn addiction.) You can find his book here:
    http://a.co/0n3IYQT

    But you are right. There is little out there that deals with denial from the addicted spouse because that usually leads to divorce. Internet porn is so insidious and pervasive, it can destroy a marriage before the spouses ever know what hit them…literally.

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    Sally - July 18, 2017 11:39 am

    I found this article really helpful for myself, if only my husband would read it! As his porn addiction caused problems in previous relationships (I didn’t find this out till after our marriage), I do not understand why he is still in denial about how destructive his addiction is, it has totally ruined our marriage.

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Mr B - July 2, 2017 3:44 pm

You make blanket statements expression opinion, nothing scientific or medical based here… it just your version of how you’d like the world to be…very judgemental im afraid.

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Sands - July 31, 2017 8:16 pm

My husband and I are trying to reconcile , I’ve confronted him his pornography. He said he deleted everything and only had videos and images of me. Well that good intuition that need to hard drive in his backpack that he travels with. In it I found hundreds of videos and pictures! And anger I brought the heart rate and later confronted him But did not tell him about breaking the hard drive he found that out on it so the next day when he went into supposedly delete everything on it. I told him he lied when he said there was only items of me. He immediately said it’s not my fault it is his own problem. But him doing that is better than being with another woman! He also said that I’d probably try to get revenge and be with another man, as I have done in the past. I am trying to recover myself from mental disorders. My focuses on myself and on my marriage. The more I think about it he was doing as he always does with the conversation to make it my fault, he was upset that I broke his heart rate but I said how long till you download more? He did not know the answer to that. He said if I wanted him to go to therapy or an SAA group he would. I explained that he cannot do it for me alone, he has to admit he has an addiction . He remains upset with me and distant, and we go to therapy I will see what comes of it. I will no longer make excuse or compromise or accept it. I’d hate for this to end what’s left of our relationship, but it is what it’s. Not my problem, but I’m willing to do my part.

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Michelle Hall - August 5, 2017 7:35 pm

My husband had an addiction to porn during his previous marriage and he did confess it to me before we got married. I respected him for telling me and being honest. He told me that he was confident that he can remain in recovery! I understood and asked him to tell me if he ever feels himself slipping and that we would work though it together.
We have four children been married for eight years now and two nights ago I caught him in the act! My world has been shattered!
Not only did he hide it from me, I found out in the worst possible way and at the worst possible time in our lives. What I mean by the worst time in our lives is this;
At the end of January this year I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cance, I had to have a bilateral mastectomy and had to go though month of chemo. He has told me that it started two months before I was diagnosed.
I truly want to believe him, forgive him and help him through it like I promised I would before we got married. However other than feeling betrayed and devasted – I looked at my bald head (now covered in peach fuzz) and then looked at my chest, where I had natural full breasts I now have tissue expanders with two big scars where my nipples used to be, under my left arm a long scar where they removed some of my lymph nodes, and lastly another scar on my collar bone where I had my chemo port.
When I saw all of this And thought of what he was looking at I felt so ugly and so unattractive and unwanted. When I was going through hell my husband was engaging in his porn addiction. The hurt and pain is still so fresh. I know that I still love him and still want our marriage to work and that I need to forgive him and I will try my best, but this hurt so so much. He is a good man and I understand that this is an addiction and he hates himself for the pain he has caused. This couldn’t have come at a worse time for me, I am fighting to stay positive and strong as next month I will be having my reconstructive surgery which has a long and painful recovery and I need all the strength I have left to get through this, but today I feel so broken, so lost, so ugly. I have been reading that our husbands porn addiction isn’t our fault and nothing to do with us, however it is hard to believe that when I see what I see in the mirror. This article did help, I just have to believe it. We have four children and a long road of cancer treatment and recovery and I just don’t know how or where to start recovering and moving forward from this.

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    suzie dunson - September 2, 2017 5:15 pm

    My heart goes out to you. What i do know is we have a father who knows out true beauty. He created us perfectly. Ive come to realize that God is truly the only one who loves me just as i am….he is the one who can give us what we need. Turn to him. Pray with thanksgiving. God bless you…your perfect as you are…

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    Sarah - April 15, 2018 4:20 pm

    I felt such empathy for you Michelle as I read your comment–as if you were sitting beside me. Your thoughts when you look in the mirror, are exactly how I feel. I know I’m not supposed to relate the two–my husband’s addiction to essentially fantasizing about other women is not related to my looks/his attractiveness to me. I can tell myself that 1 million times, but logically, the two do have a relationship. It’s lying to myself by denying the logically, even if slight, correlation between my husband’s attraction to me and his porn use.

    Your circumstances–*sigh* what the frick is wrong with people! Lately, I’ve. been so disappointed with how many people, even Christians who claim to walk with God, wreck daily havoc on others due to their insatiable appetite for instant gratification–at all costs to others. Pure thick selfishness.

    My “Mr. Nice guy” husband would do the same. You sound very patient and Willing to understand his problem. In my humble opinion, your husband is not a nice guy and neither is mine. Well, your husband sounds a lot nicer than mine, but you’re married to a man who lacked self-discipline to abstain from indulging in, lets be honest, other women when you were in the midst of so much emotional and physical misery. Im sure you had/have great aatLiterally everyone except my mom & sister think I’m losing my mind. My husband comes across as gentle, loving, super dad, a good listener, and motivated to change–and it’s all a show. It’s taken me 15 months to (finally) conclude my husband’s a covert narcissist. The past 15 months of 1.) teaching myself how to find deleted data recovery and 2.) Sifting through the online data….#2 was and sadly still is, destroying me.

    My husband lies like no one I’ve met. He reminds me of Donald Trump (trust me, just trust me folks, you can trust me when all evidence pointed that Trump was a liar, cheater, womanizer, etc) where he just keeps repeating the same statement in hopes I’ll eventually have to believe it. The psychology behind this manipulation technique is astounding and quite honestly, impressive, yet I’m definitely feeling and showing signs of emotional abuse due to weekly gaslighting. I get 1-2 weeks of a breaks about every 6 weeks. During that time, I’m swept off my feet by this awesome man God has made and brought to me. Then, he starts acting less attracted to me, or he doesn’t get erect in a situation where he’d always be “ready” 🙂 with me, or I discover yet another video he watched last week. I confront, he denies, I feel ultra taken advantage of and manipulated–tricked into thinking I was enough during those 2 weeks. The cycle resumes. It was only on lause. 🙁

    My husband’s in a sex addicts class now that he’s lying to. He has to tell his sex addicts group if he masturbates (that feels wrong/unhealthy to me btw). I don’t have direct proof, but the normal behavior anomolies.

    I have learned my husband’s body very well over the past year. I can literally see when he’s not masturbated and/or viewed porn., as in see his body’s reaction to me if that makes sense. I’ve told him his body cannot lie.

    Last night after no sex for 7 days, and his claim of no masturbation, we had sex (finally). After 10 min. of steamy sex, I knew he was again lying. 🙁 MY HUSBAND and frankly most men who hadn’t orgasmed in 7 days, would need ice cold water continuously dumped on their bare skin during good/great (?) sex to hold an orgasm for this long. I know 10 min. doesn’t sound long, but we’re talking about 7 days here ladies plus I wore lingerie, etc. He lasted 20 or so more min. (a total of 30-45 start to finish).

    I no longer could hold out. I blurt out in a I’m-still-going-to-pleasure-me/you-but-you-will-know-now kind of seductive voice “you’re such a liar and I’m tired of it.” This was obviously awkward since we’re stilk actively having sex. \°o°/. We continue for 5 min., I reach orgasm, 5 more min., and gyess what? The man who hasnt orgasmed in a record-brraking 7 days is still going strong! Its a miracle folks! A miracle I tell ya!!! Y.e.a.h. R.i.g.h.t. I ask if he cant orgasm. He says that he can but he was holding out for me (Trump alert). He closes his eyes …. 🙁 as if focusing real hard (fantasizing about someone other than me) and orgasms within 3 min.

    I couldn’t hide my emotions. I couldn’t keep up the “I’m sexy and strong” until the time was more appropriate to resume fighting. I burst into tears and said, “You’ll never be open with me. You’ll never trust that you can be open and honest with me about what you feel is your shameful behavior. We will never have the genuine closeness we both yearn for b/c you’ve chose to never reveal your true self to anyone. I can accept the masturbation and even regulated porn, but I cannot also bare the weight of your lies & gaslighting! I’m breaking. The load is too heavy.” Like Trump, my husband just repeated the same line with sprinkles of gaslighting (it wasn’t that he clearly had a delayed and almost forced orgasm–He was holding out for me, thus I’m a terrible ungrateful person ) . He said, “I’ve destroyed any trust you’ll have in me because I’ve lied to you so much. Even when I’m not lying such as now, you can’t believe me and it’s my fault.” ******Do you see the very subtle gaslighting in there?****** His statement appears that he’s owning it, yet by injecting me in the sentence, he’s actually blaming ME! HIS statement says, “Another woman would believe me, but you are damaged goods and it’s your [my] fault b/c I choose to distrust him.”

    This us crazy right?! Scene: 2 minutes post-sex. I’m sitting on top of my husband, he’s still um…our bodies are in same sexual engagement (so embarrassing writing this). I’ve made myself ultra vulnerable (again) going against my own judgement, allowing myself to be intimate void trust that he cherishes & doesn’t supplement our intimacy——and he’s gaslighting me. He’s not empathetic. He asks no questions to better understand how I feel. He shuns this final opportunity in a non-hostile interaction, to come clean. He simply talks about himself and how sad he is that I’ve chose to not trust his lies.

    I don’t want to admit this and perhaps it’s a fleeting feeling, but I feel like in that moment, while on top of him and crying, I fell out of love with my husband. For some reason, as I write this, I feel a sense of relief. If I don’t love him, he can no longer hurt me at an abusive level.

    Is it God determining that I’ve had enough? That I cannot take it anymore, so he’s shielding my heart? I’ve begged God to give me relief from my emotional codependentancy and intertwined soul connection with this man who refuses to stop abusing my emotions. I knew God was saying, “trust me. It’s not time yet and that God gifted me with overwhelming hope for struggling people. God promised he would never leave me…..And He didnt. At least for today, my entire being does not ache with shame, rejection, and ugliness. At least for today, God grants me relief .

    Feel free to email me if you want to chat: mexicansage@hotmail.com

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    Lisa - May 12, 2018 1:06 am

    I’m so sorry for your pain. I know we are at different points in our lives but after having my 5 children and losing all the weight and having breast augmentation surgery I look the best I have looked in my entire life, my husband still can’t quit porn, it’s destroying us. I can’t get prettier or skinnier, it breaks my heart knowing I can’t look good enough to stop him. It doesn’t matter how you look, you are his wife and mother of his children, there is no one more beautiful than that!

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    Rebecca - January 12, 2019 12:53 pm

    I am speachless for your sake……

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    Sage - May 27, 2019 7:04 pm

    I am so sad this has happenned to you at this time. I have read many accounts of the moment of discovery, and thus breaks my heart. I wish healing to you. I could have been considered quite attractive and willing at one time, but know what? It was irrelevant. My spouse was addicted. Let me add to the many voices telling you, its not you, and you deserve love, respect, and healing. I don’t pray, but for you I will.

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Kari - August 28, 2017 4:24 pm

Thank you for this. I have been dealing with this for a long time and now have serious depression from it. I have many health problems and don’t look like I used to. I have gained a lot of weight from medications and don’t feel sexy anymore. I have tried to keep the bedroom life going even though I hurt all the time. He has become less and less interested in me over the years and I can’t help but feel it is because of me. He can only get half hard when we try to be together. I even stopped taking a couple of my medications so I could loose weight. I find myself looking through the porn he looks at to see what I can do to get him interested in me again. When we do have sex I find I feel grateful he is at least touching me. I throw myself at him daily while pleading inside for him to please want me at least just a little. He just brushes me off and acts like I am being silly. The other night I was making advances towards him and he shut me down. Told me he couldn’t sleep so he was going downstairs so he wouldn’t keep me awake. I came down a little later and couldn’t find him. I went in the garage and there he was with pants down and video going. He can only get semi hard with me but he was fully erect for the girl in the video. It is really difficult to convince myself it is not me. I just feel like we have turned into just good friends. I think I am going to stop trying to throw myself at him and start taking all my meds again. I think I might go see a therapist, too.

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Granna - September 2, 2017 5:08 pm

My husband walked out…again
Thats how he manages his addition. I knew he was going into crisis. I couldn’t help him. I did try. Mine admits he has a porn addiction in his past. Ruined two marriages. Only now he blames me for not loving him. Which isnt true. I do admit i resent his lack of wanting to change. I resent how much he tares down our home. Over and over. Only to return once its a real mess. Claiming he loves me. My porn addict has pulled the wind out of my life. Im so tired. Its chaos. Its impossible to live with him. He just doesnt seem to mind losing everything over and over. I cant make ends meet alone. So i wait until it is all gone and just survive it…im really tired

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charlotte - January 24, 2018 2:40 pm

If I could give any advice to a woman with husband that has an ongoing porn addiction, it would be to RUN. Run as far and as fast as you can. This behaviour never changes, maybe they say it does, but it doesn’t. Maybe they stop for a little while, but they start again. Then you are so invested in the relationship that it feels impossible to leave. So keep your morals, and stay true to yourself. Women are strong and it is possible to be independent, even if you have children. You deserve to live a happy and confident life.

My marriage is ruined. I have no trust or respect for my husband. The lies and deceit have completely destroyed what little relationship we have left. I don’t feel comfortable undressing in front of him, I don’t want him to touch me, when we do have sex all I think about is pornography, it is horrible.. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. It is not healthy and I wish I had run before I was so invested.

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    freetobeme - January 10, 2019 11:29 am

    Thank you for sharing. I am in that situation now. I saw a therapist for the first time yesterday. And afterward I told him we need to separate.

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Maggie - February 16, 2018 1:30 am

Not only did I find out that my fiancé of 4 years is addicted to porn, I found out that he is obsessed with very large women. I had no clue that he was even attracted to big women? Here I am beating myself up for recently putting on a few pounds because I’m a size 12 and worrying that he would not find me attractive anymore and little did I know he has this sick addiction to porn and very large women all this while. When I confronted him he admitted it and quickly apologized to me. He admitted that this caused trouble in his first marriage but it was swept under the rug. My reaction to his addiction was very strong and confrontational. I refuse to be with a man whom I was going to marry that prefers to fantasize and masturbate to an online virutal whore. I don’t deserve this selfish act and refuse to stay with a man who clearly makes a conscious choice to continute this sick obsession. Who in their right mind can be intimate with a man who is absent during intimacy because he is busy lusting, fantasizing over a porn site. This behavior is very damaging and hurtful to women. And until men are made accountable for their actions and physically seek ongoing help, there will be no forgiveness. Even if they choose to take these steps, I no longer feel I can submit to a sneaky, cheating full of words with no actions man again. Perhaps he is truly sorry and claims he made an appointment with a Therapist. How can I trust him again? Do I spend the rest of my years wondering if he’s going behind my back? Is this fair to me? It’s bad enough that women blame themselves for their man’s addiction which is WRONG! We pick ourselves apart and are left to feel we didn’t do it for them? When it’s clearly their issue, not ours. Yes, I may sound bitter but I can’t help but wonder what would my fiance do if he discovered that I’m masturbating to well hung men and prefer this behavior over him? I highly doubt if he could fathom that thought. I do not feel that this addiction can be cured. If so, why wait to be caught to seek out help? In my opinion, most men do not even feel that their addiction is a problem. I am not blaming porn addiction totally on men either, I realize that women do this too and ruin relationships and lives. All I can say this is not fair nor right and I personally won’t tolerate it no matter how much I love him.

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Marie - March 16, 2018 11:06 pm

I am crying as I read the comments. My heart is broken as we only said our marriage vows a year ago. I found out my husband was addicted to porn during the year, but I thought he was in recovery. I just found out he is still actively involved and when I talked with him about it today he admitted it; also telling me “you are not my type”. I felt totally betrayed and deceived. He acted very attracted to me when we were dating. I enjoy being intimate and have tried to please him always. He said his involvement was partly my fault because I Hurt his feelings at times. He does not seem to take full responsibility for his addiction.
I feel so devastated.

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Kim - July 2, 2018 8:45 pm

Maybe I was naive to think my husband was healed of Porn addiction over 20 years ago and just found out last week that he’s still addicted. I feel like such a fool. I’ve been keeping our marriage together until this new years when I knew something was terribly wrong and thought that it was me. I started marriage therapy by myself only to discover I was severely depressed and spent time dealing with the issues around depression.

Now I find out about Porn and he makes me feel that I don’t have a right to feel hurt because he says he doesn’t feel safe to share anything with me. After 29 years I’m so hurt and confused and mad. What is so great about porn that you’d let your marriage fail and not have any feelings towards your wife of 29 years. Then have the nerve to say porn has nothing to do with sex only happening 3 times in the last 12 months. Plus he’s emotionally disconnected and blames it on me.

How does one get though this?

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Clara - August 27, 2018 8:21 am

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L - October 12, 2018 5:36 am

If a man even looks at another woman, he has already committed adultery in his heart..this is not an “addiction” problem, it’s called unfaithfulness. It is a heart problem, a “sin” problem. It’s sin against his own body and that of his wife, the one he is suppose to love, adore, cherish, provide for and protect. Husband’s who are unfaithful, cannot love, cherish or respect their wives.

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Johanne - October 14, 2018 2:54 pm

Reading all of you guys is helping me process a little. We have been married 29+ years and have 4 adult children mid-late 20s. I discovered lesbian pornography on my husband’s computer last year. The accident was so insidious. I returned to university with our 2 last children to get my nursing degree for the 2nd time in 2 countries. It was not easy at all. My husband’s career was taken away for 5 years because he was working for crooks. We had to sell our home to survive. I had no say in any of it. Our kids all left. I moved us into a 2-bedroom condo that we are renting and finished this nursing degree in 5 years. This discovery took place during my finals – as I was finishing my degree. I copied links for 18 pages. Then I decided to store this and show it to two trusted friends. They were shocked and encouraged me to be strong. Now here we are in late fall and I am about to get my first job. He wants to qualify for a home and I want the lies to end. I am back into the PTSD cycle and crying. He acts like it is nothing. He goes to church and brings an elderly woman with him because her daughter pays him to take her out. I can’t go to church with him. I just want to cry when I see him at all. He has been sleeping in his office now for over 3 years. Who knows what else happens. I am so heartbroken. Thank you all for sharing.

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Cindy Helmick - November 7, 2018 5:24 am

I’ve been married for 39 years. Recently I was helping my husband sell item’s on Facebook market place. While using his phone something drew me to check his email. There was a porn picture. Sent by his own cell.phone. i walk outside and say we need to talk. Showed him the picture. He said oh I don’t know how that got there. I said I do it came from your iPhone. He got a scared look and I knew. He admitted said he was sorry blah blah blah crap. Tried to convince me he would stop. This is raw it just happened 3 day’s ago.

He went to.work like usual. My life is far for usual. Nothing feels real.or true. He has been emotionally distant and more argumentative than ever.

My Anniversary he usually shows he loves me by writing something sweet on Facebook. This year he copied pasted what he wrote last year.

We are Christians or I thought he was. He says he feels awful but I truly think its because he’s been caught.

Where do I go now? I don’t have a job.I am sole caregiver for my aging father who has Lewy body dementia.

Today I am.going to.lunch with my pastor’s wife. She is a dear friend but i know she will tell me to.forgive . And I will but if he has done this for 39 years now and I’ve been fooled. How do.I ever trust again. I do not want him to look at me naked. I do not want sex with him. I don’t want to.look at pictures of us.

We have 3 adults kids and 6 grandchildren. I feel I can’t do this lie anymore. Feels like this marriage has been nothing but a illusion. Fake.

I honestly wish I was dead. Between my father and now my husband I can’t carrying them both. No.one helps with dad. Even though there are 2 other kids. My heart has been split in a million pieces.

No.one will understand if I can’t stay with him. He has everyone fooled.He posts stuff about God like he is walking with him.

I think I’m going to actually throw up.Somehow I need out of his hell.

Has anyone’s husband actually recovered? Or do they just go back to it. See I’ve wasted 39 year’s. I’m 58 and really don’t think I can bare his burden. He has shamed me. Not just himself. When I leave him what do I say to my adult kid’s? Your dad and I have lived a lie. He is a unemotionally connected husband. I thought maybe that was his personality. Guess that’s part of my denial.

God helps us all. Happy yet sad we aren’t alone.

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    Kim O'Day - February 21, 2019 4:36 pm

    Dear Cindy,
    Please allow me to apologize for the delay in responding to you and also to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. There is so much you must be feeling and dealing with right now, that I can’t imagine how you are doing it. I’m sure at times it feels hopeless, but let me assure you it’s not.
    I want to dive in a little to some of your points:
    Is your husband truly remorseful or just sorry he got caught? Honestly, probably both! He likely does feel “ awful” and ashamed and disappointed in himself, he likely feels sorry that he upset you, but he likely also feels that it is no big deal, its not a problem, you are making more of it than you should. Terrible conflicting emotions happening here. Additionally, though most people don’t recognize it as such, porn usage and addiction generally has little to do with sex and is actually used by most people to “ self-medicate” wounds or trauma in their life, so on a certain level your husband may feel he deserves this to make him “ feel better” which it never does.
    I completely understand that you do not want your husband to look at you naked or have sex with him, but I promise true intimacy in all it’s forms is possible again and you can rebuild the trust that was broken. It will just take time and some hard work from both of you.
    Between caring for your father and now learning this secret about your husband, the pressure must be incredible on you right now. However, please don’t say you wish you were dead. You have so much to offer and healing is possible.
    Finally, recovery is possible, true intimacy is possible, great sex is possible and forgiveness is possible…have hope! We have many stories from couples just like you who have recovered from this and are now flourishing in their marriages, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
    Please contact me directly for more info jimo@integrityrestored.com.
    May God bless your journey,
    Jim O’Day
    Executive Director
    Integrity Restored

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Tara Washington - November 26, 2018 4:12 am

This has been so helpful to me. Thanks a lot!!

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Justine - December 2, 2018 8:28 am

My partner has finally gone into Sex Rehab for his porn addiction and sexting past with other females, while in our relationship. I had a boundary that he needs to find a rehab that does not mingle the 2 genders, in any of the treatment or off-time / social activities.
He only got admitted yesterday. Today I was running with my dogs on the beach, with my son as well, and suddenly my son slowed down, and in front of us was my partner. Their group had come out for a walk on the beach. I see girls walking with them. He had assured me, and so did the Rehab assure me, that girls and guys do not mix. But here they were. I said please tell me you are upholding the boundary and not engaging with them. He plainly said he has been engaging with them. And that today after the run, they have some chill time, and then a barbeque, and they all get to socialise and tomorrow he starts the actual work. I was so confused, and hurt and my anxiety peaked. I went to the rehab which is less than 1 mile away from my home, and on route to my stables where I was going to ride my horse, and I expressed my concern and problem with genders mixing in a Sex Addiction rehab. And they do not allow him to talk to me. They asked him if he would come and see me, to which he replied, no he doesn’t have any interest in seeing me.
I subsequently felt humiliated as I was just calmly asking for him to come and express what was going on. As he promised if the females and males would be mingled, then he would find a solution to his addiction that would not spark more anxiety and triggers in me. As there are more options and more rehabs that operate differently around our area. I stated, please let him know then that due to him breaking boundaries at a time that is so crucial, I am ending this relationship as I cannot be sitting here for the duration of his rehab stay and sit in deep anxiety and betrayal trauma triggering and he gets given the opportunity to see me and discuss it, and he plainly chooses not to see me.

Is it normal for rehabs to allow males and females to socialise and take beach walks together and have barbecues together? I feel he is just having a big social event over there. I am so hurt that he would not come and sit and discuss anything with me as well. And then what? Does he somehow expect me to come and do family sessions next week after breaking boundaries, and then rejecting me like that when they gave him the option to come and sit and have a chat with me. No ways. I am so tired of only his needs and his wants being the only priority. His addiction, his sexual desires, always just what works for him. I told him I’m not comfortable with this rehab, but he went coz they have a gym and tennis court, and he kept saying it feels like he’s going on holiday, and he’s actually quite excited. Not once has he said he’s excited to get help for his addiction and to make sure he never hurts me again… just worried that they have a TV so he can watch the Soccer. And worried that they will have good food, and was so happy to hear they have an award winning chef cooking the meals. And now he’s chilling with these girls, having a barbecue and going for beach walks and and and… i mean this just sounds like a breeding ground for sex addicts to get numbers from each other and connect with each other. I’m SO confused . I thought him going to treatment was supposed to reduce my fears and help us as a couple. It has actually on day 2 already made things feel so much worse.

Any one got experience with their partners going to rehab? Is this normal behaviour on the rehabs part? on the addicts part? and on your part as the partner? I’m really feeling conflicted and confused. and more anxious than ever before.

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Judy - December 7, 2018 8:49 pm

I can feel all of your pain, yes mine too, the pretend loving husband that’s pulling that porno card and blaming everyone but him. He takes no responsibility for his actions has already been fired by his counselor . And still can’t understand why I think what he is doing is wrong.. what is wrong with theses men , I have been so duped!!

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Arleene - December 17, 2018 10:14 am

Has anybody ever recovered from porn addiction or do us wives have to live with this forever Its unbelievable how much hurt we go through we all end up blaming ourselves , Trying so hard to forgive and it seems like they just don’t care they just keep on doing it really plays mental games with us.

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    Kathy - February 9, 2019 7:27 pm

    Yes, I too would love to hear success stories. I’ve been married 12 years, two children. My husband has used porn our entire marriage. I left him once for 9 months. I stupidly went back to him. It didn’t take long for him to resort to old behaviors. Is there any hope? I hear men on the radio say they are free from porn, but what percentage of men are like that?! I feel like most of them are addicted or they’re gay. And if there are any good men out there, they’re married anyways to women who don’t know how blessed they are. I hate marriage.

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      Kim O'Day - February 13, 2019 10:28 am

      Dear Kathy,
      First of all, everyone here at Bloom for Catholic Women and Integrity Restored is so sorry for what you are going through. This is a huge challenge today for many marriages, so know that you are not alone. In response to your comment, let me say the following:
      1. You were not stupid to “go back” to your husband. You are trying to save your marriage, you are to be commended.
      2. Yes, there is hope. This is an affliction that can be healed, But, only when your husband gets to the root of his addiction.
      3. I highly recommend you check out BloomforCatholicWomen.com to understand your journey with betrayal trauma.
      4. Please sign up and download our free e-books
      5. Pray for your husband with a special intention that he recognizes his addiction.
      6. Seek help together or individually.
      As always, please know we are here for you, we are praying for you and that there is hope for you, your husband and your marriage.
      God bless you!

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Karen - January 18, 2019 10:42 am

On another note, I don’t know what I should do. Do I keep working with him on this?
Do I pack up my two small children, move into my moms till I get my shit straight so I can support my girls and myself?
Do I just go on about my life and take and accept the second when we do it and let him have his porn fantasy?
I don’t know what to do but I hate this and it sucks so bad

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    Kim O'Day - February 13, 2019 4:11 pm

    Dear Karen,
    I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know it can feel hopeless, but believe me , there is hope and there can be healing. I would recommend you both speak with a professional, either together or individually. If he is unwilling, you should still do it. Please check out two resources we have, the first for you, http://www.bloomforcatholicwomen.com an online recovery tool and community for women suffering from betrayal trauma due to their partner’s continued pornography addiction and our tips for finding a therapist, https://integrityrestored.com/finding-a-good-therapist/.
    Please know we are all praying for you.
    God bless your journey,
    Jim O’Day
    Executive Director

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Lily - March 19, 2019 9:07 am

When I told my pastors wife about my husbands porn addiction , and how it hurt me. . My pastors wife told me to basically to do number 3 &4. To have more sex , pick up on his “Cues” for sex , to look better for him.
I was appalled and now im more confused than before.

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    Administrator - June 4, 2019 3:41 pm

    Dear Lily,
    As well meaning as your pastor’s wife may be, that is absolutely not correct. First, please check out our sistersite, bloomforcatholicwomen.com which is an educational recovery and community website for women whose husbands have a porn addiction. Could be a great resource for you.
    Second, most of the therapists we work with if not all, agree that a porn addiction, like most other process addictions comes from wounds and trauma in youth or young adult life. The root cause of the addiction is not about sex so obviously regardless of what the pastor’s wife thinks, the solution is not about sex. Your husband needs to get to the root cause through counseling, prayer and spiritual direction and accountability.
    Praying for you all…

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pam - April 30, 2019 11:18 am

Two weeks ago I joined this club I never imagined existing. I am running through all sorts of emotions, sadness, hopelessness, anger, forgiveness, hate, disgust, shame, embarrassment, hurt and worse of all wondering if the last 34 years of my life have been a sham. My husbands porn use was found, he did not confess. He admitted to a two year porn addiction and met with our priest to confess. The priest basically you have been forgiven, now go forgive yourself and do something fun this weekend. How easy that he is instantly forgiven and I am left in ruins. No talk about repairing the damage he did to me. I guess because my husband told him “I have a great wife who is supportive and we are working through this”. What a spin. I’m a great wife when I am saying I forgive him. He actually told me he’s never loved me more than when I said to him “I am not here to punish you” after discovering his porn problem. That is so selfish. He loves me the most when I am letting him off the hook for his shameful, secret behavior and hurting me and our family. He should have loved me most on the birth of our four children, anniversaries, trips, painful times I held the family together, illnesses, etc… But no, it’s when I let him off the hook. Twisted. The reality is I don’t think he has loved me, but I really think he isn’t capable of love. His brother is a total narcissist, his mother is super selfish, his father was an alcoholic who left the family early on. These should have been redflags when I was dating him, but he seemed kind and was handsome. He seems so void of emotion or depth. I am trying to get therapy but it is difficult to find a therapist who accepts insurance with the $30 copay. I can’t afford $150 per week that’s for sure. How sad at 56 I am wondering what my whole life has been about and what kind of future can I expect. I really only ever wanted to be loved by my husband and seems even that was too much to ask for.

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    Administrator - June 4, 2019 5:03 pm

    I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It can absolutely feel completely devastating, but I promise you, there is hope. Have you checked out bloomforcatholicwomen.com? I think you’ll find this to be a valuable resource to help in your healing from this betrayal trauma. My contact info is below, and as I completely understand the financial concern of finding a qualified therapist who accepts insurance. Unfortunately, porn addiction is not recognized by the insurance companies, nor is betrayal trauma yet, as a billable condition. Depression and anxiety which are likely also present in your current situation are however coded for insurance billing. I would recommend when you are speaking to potential therapists you start there. Also, if you visit Catholic Psychotherapy Association, you can find them on Google, they have a national listing of Catholic therapists who might be able to help.
    May God bless your journey….
    Jim O’Day
    Executive Director
    jimo@integrityrestored.com

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Veronica - May 13, 2019 12:36 am

Hi. Reading the all the other comments left me feeling well more sober and realizing the fact that my marriage may never survive. I caught my husband watching gay porn , anal and teen porn. He also was looking at pictures of teenagers from one of the high schools, just writing this down makes me realize how sick this is, despite he telling me otherwise. He makes me feel like I am crazy, like I make this all up, he denies all of it until he doesn’t anymore and then here comes excuses like who cares who’s asshole he is watching man or woman it just all the same, or how pretty teenage girls are but he would never actually have sex with them in real life. And you know what we had this problem before, I thought he changed but it is all a lie. What am I supposed to do? He killing me every day, I am not the woman I once was.

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    Administrator - June 4, 2019 3:16 pm

    First off, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are suffering from betrayal trauma and need some resources and help. I recommend you check out our site, bloomforcatholicwomen.com to start.
    Secondly, Your husband is suffering (it sounds like) from a strong pornography addiction. This addiction is emotional, chemical and physical. He will need help to break it, but, like any addiction, he is probably in denial. This addiction generally comes from some wounds or trauma in his past. Until he is ready to get help, get yourself the help you need and don’t give up hope. We have seen many amazing and miraculous marriage recoveries.
    May God Bless you!
    Jim

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Shirly - July 25, 2019 1:53 pm

I am relating to some of these women. My husbands first marriage ended because of his addiction to porn, shevfelt as though he was cheating. We have been together for 4 years and going on 3 years married. He has a program called accountable to you which flags what he is looking at on all his devices. I caught him at 1:30 in the morning looking at pictures of womens boobs, he was sheepish n said sorry but it was unemotional. I checked his accountable to you program which out of his quilt he gave me access to, he previously had his aunt on as the moderator. The best I can tell is he started looking at it again the beginning of July a total of 3 times. I wrote him a note stating that the fact he was looking at porn didnt upset me as much as the fact that he couldn’t come to me and tell me the demons cropped back up again. We have what I thought was an open relationship he has talked to me about sensitive things before. The only thing I can figure is, is that I was in an auto accident back in October and have had a couple of surgeries and now suffer from PTSD from the accident. I was a psychology major and we thought we had figured out the main cause for his addiction, but now I am unsure. He has been very caring, helpful and loving during the time since my accident, he has always been kind, and caring, more than I was ever shown with my first husband. I do not want to write him off, but I am also hurt.

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