For the past several years, I have been speaking and writing on the topic of pornography. There isn’t that many people out there doing what I’m doing, as you can imagine, but those that are tend to know me, and I them.
Now, it might surprise you to know that many of these people, these anti-porn activists, are not Christian. They are Jews, and Muslims, atheists, and agnostics. We disagree about many things, but all agree that the world would be better without sexual exploitation.
In a world where it is so easy to find our little corner of the internet and surround ourself with people who say and think the same things as us, it has been refreshing to be challenged by those who disagree with me, and to learn from them. So, with that as an introduction, here is an hour long discussion between me, a Catholic, and my friend Noah Church, who, despite his last name is an Atheist.
We discuss pornography, erectile dysfunction, what it’s like for a Catholic to go to Confession, and even vegetarianism . . . don’t worry, it will all make sense soon.
Today, as a Church we celebrate the Memorial of Saint Alphonsus Liguori, a priest who even priests look up to and ask for his intercession.
In case you don’t know anything about Alphonsus, he founded a Religious Congregation of Men known as the Redemptorists. Throughout his life he preached the Gospel of mercy passionately, and found his source of strength in the Eucharist. Alphonsus went to Jesus when he was reposed in the tabernacle to talk with Him, to be close to Him, and to share his desires with Jesus.
Jesus knows our desires. He even knows them better than we know our own desires. Jesus still wants us to tell him our desires–to be chatty with Him and to have a relationship with Him. I find this very consoling. However, I get confused by my wants, dislikes, must haves, don’t needs, and all those humanly things. So why does the the Son of God still want to hear about my desires when I sometimes don’t really even know what my desires are?
Bear with me as I paint a picture of this reality. On occasion, I have found myself looking in the refrigerator, even when I am not hungry. What was going on in these moments? Maybe I was just bored. Maybe I was hungry for something other than food. I think it could be possible I was avoiding the one thing I was looking for—intimacy, conversation with God. Have you ever had this experience?
This sort of experience can take place especially when it comes to human sexuality and our individual sexual desires. We confuse what we want with what we actually need, don’t we?
No one needs sex. No one needs porn.
How to Change Our Desires
What we actually need and even desire (which Jesus already knows) is true love and authentic and sacrificial intimacy. This is the only thing that fulfills–not masturbation, not another glance at the newest porn film, and not the sext from your boyfriend or girlfriend. These are all cheap and not the real thing. We are made for a banquet, a feast in Heaven.
Here’s some encouragement:
Bring this topic to Jesus. Tell him about your desires and then let Him tell you your desires. Again, He gets our desires better than we do.
Next, bring this topic to a priest in Confession and Spiritual Direction. If you haven’t tried it yet, say out loud that you desire pornography. As soon as you do, you’ll find you don’t believe yourself, because you really actually want something else…something more. Second, the healing begins right then and there. How? I’ve asked Father Sean Kilcawley, the Program Director and Theological Advisor for Integrity Restored to explain it to you and offer a few more nuggets of insight for us to reflect on throughout the day.
Q: Father, how does Confession and Spiritual Direction help someone heal from a struggle and/or addiction with pornography?
A: The Sacrament of Reconciliation, or Confession, is the sacrament of Christ’s mercy. It really should be the place where we come to know the love of Christ in the midst of our sinfulness and our struggle. “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” This of course is experienced most when we are most vulnerable in confession. When we confess our sins completely. When we confess the extent of our pornography addiction or struggle. One aspect that is often forgotten is that despair can often accompany habitual sins of impurity.
Spiritual direction is a key element of recovery as it is the place we learn to be in relationship with Jesus. Addicts often believe they are unloveable, that if they were know by another that person would reject them, that no one—not even God—can meet their needs. In spiritual direction we learn to pray, to be in relationship with Christ, and to seek Him as a refuge. Spiritual direction should be a place where the experience of mercy is facilitated, and mercy leads to conversion.
Q: Father, why does Jesus want us to tell Him our desires when He knows them better than we do?
A: The act of faith is an act of entrusting ourselves to Jesus. We do this as we reveal to Him the desires of our hearts. As we continually reveal our desires to Him and express those desires to Him, the desire grows. We build the disposition to receive the graces that we are asking for.
Q: Father, tell us about Jesus’ mercy. Why do you think we forget to seek and ask for it? Why do we need it?
A: John Paul II reminded us in Dives in Misericordia that mercy is love that goes beyond the demands of justice. The experience of mercy is the experience of being loved—especially at a time when we don’t “feel we deserve it.” It is the experience of the prodigal son who is embraced by the father after rejecting Him. It is the experience of the woman caught in adultery who encounters the Love of Jesus at a time when others—maybe even she herself—want to put her to death. We often forget to seek mercy because we condemn ourselves for our sins. We think we “should know better.” We forget that we were once just a kid who was exposed to pornography by someone else. During this Year of Mercy we should be reminded that we can all begin again. We can encounter Jesus as if for the first time, and allow His love to transform us. His mercy leads to conversion and conversion leads to healing. A man who recently started recovery after a 40 year sex addiction recently shared with me that his 8-year-old son said to him in passing, “I like the new Dad.” His son could see the evidence of conversion—the fruit of mercy.
Q: Father, through the intercession of St. Alphonsus Liguroi, will you please offer a prayer for all of our readers seeking to live lives of integrity and to find freedom from pornography and other sexual addictions?
A: Heavenly Father, we ask you to fill us with the spirit of your love. Help us to be ever mindful of the goodness, love, and mercy of Christ. Help us to remember that Christ is always present in our lives. We ask you to heal the wounds of our youth. Reveal your love to us that it may transform our hearts and we may live as your beloved sons and daughters. We pray for the courage to do whatever it takes to remove the obstacles to love in our own lives. Grant us the courage to seek accountability, to make honest and vulnerable confessions, to come to you with open and vulnerable hearts that they may be transformed. We also pray for all who have been called to be instruments of healing in the lives of those who struggle with sexual brokenness. Protect them from the attacks of the devil, from the spirits of division, envy, and lust. Grant them the grace to reveal the face of your Son to all they encounter. Through Christ Our Lord. Amen
Our priests are a gift to us and can offer us the council we seek in good and bad times. To learn more about living a life of integrity and to find a confessor and/or spiritual director in your area, please e-mail Integrity Restored at admin@integrityrestored.com.
I’ve been told multiple times—usually by disgruntled teachers who disagree with my presentation on the problem of porn—that the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) put out by the APA (American Psychological Association) has rejected sex addiction/porn addiction. To suggest that it exists, they say, is not only untrue but potentially harmful.
It isn’t technically true that the DSM rejected “sex addiction” and “porn addiction” as neither were up for formal consideration. It was “hypersexuality” that was considered and rejected.
However, it’s important to note that the APA is not the final word when it comes to knowledge of sex/pornography addiction. The World Health Organization, a global entity with more authority, does provide a diagnosis of “Compulsive Sexual Behavior” in their ICD manual. And, for mental health professionals in our country, the ICD manual has a higher standing than the APA.
A recent article by a professional who has worked extensively in the sexuality workgroup for the APA explains why it is that professionals should look to the ICD for a definition of compulsive sexual behavior disorder and what exactly that disorder entails.
Paradoxically, although hypersexual disorder was rejected by the American Psychiatric Association for DSM-5 [link], on 1 October 2015 the use of the diagnostic codes of ICD-10 became obligatory in the United States, enabling its diagnosis. These codes are included in parentheses and gray text in DSM-5 next to the DSM-9-CM codes presented in bold type [link]. In ICD-10, the category ‘excessive sexual drive’ was included as F52.7; this category, which reflects dated and pejorative terminology, is: ([link], p. 194):
‘Both men and women may occasionally complain of excessive sexual drive as a problem in its own right, usually during late teenage or early adulthood. When the excessive sexual drive is secondary to an affective disorder (F30-F39), or when it occurs during the early stages of dementia (F00-F03), the underlying disorder should be coded. Includes: nymphomania satyriasis.’
Although ICD-11 is not scheduled to be published until 2018, the diagnosis of Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder is being considered [link] and the suggested definition has been posted on the ICD-11 Beta Draft website [link], the text of which is:
‘Compulsive sexual behaviour disorder is characterized by persistent and repetitive sexual impulses or urges that are experienced as irresistible or uncontrollable, leading to repetitive sexual behaviours, along with additional indicators such as sexual activities becoming a central focus of the person’s life to the point of neglecting health and personal care or other activities, unsuccessful efforts to control or reduce sexual behaviours, or continuing to engage in repetitive sexual behaviour despite adverse consequences (e.g., relationship disruption, occupational consequences, negative impact on health). The individual experiences increased tension or affective arousal immediately before the sexual activity, and relief or dissipation of tension afterwards. The pattern of sexual impulses and behaviour causes marked distress or significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.’ (emphasis added)
Furthermore, it should be noted that, although hypersexual behavior was rejected by the APA, in fact the ICD is by far the most widely used classification of mental disorders world-wide, and its diagnostic codes are mandated for use in the United States and other countries by international treaty [link] as opposed to DSM-5 diagnoses, which have no such mandate. It thus seems that diagnostic entities involving hypersexual or compulsive sexual behavior can still be made and will continue to provide a framework that will lead to refinement of diagnostic nomenclature and criteria and stimulate further research into the nature and causes of such behavior. [emphasis added].
It is important to understand that addiction to pornography is a multi-faceted problem. It is contrary to our dignity as men and women created by God; it destroys our relationships; and is harmful to the women and men employed or enslaved as porn “actors”. However, it is also absolutely an addiction: a compulsive behavior that has proven negative effects on the person’s health and the ability to function in daily life.
Recognition of pornography addiction as an actual diagnosis matters because it helps us to understand that there is a need for healing. This addiction is not simply a symptom of another underlying issue nor the result of overuse of pornography in and of itself. It is a serious problem in its own right and needs to be treated that way both by mental health professionals and society as a whole.
Video
Here is a short video I shot recently which addresses the question, “Should we call it porn addiction?”
