The Grace of Receptivity

Grace is the love and mercy of God, freely given to us by God because He desires for us to have it. He is a good and gracious gift-giving Lord. And all He asks is that we be humble and grateful gift receivers.

As women, God has gifted us with receptivity, an inherent quality of our feminine genius. He created us with “alert, awakened, joyful readiness” to receive love. Like Mary at the Annunciation, we can choose in each and every moment to say “Yes Lord. Shower Your grace upon me, here and now!” And what seems to me to be an incomprehensible truth is that all God asks of us is to be aware of His ever-present Presence in the perpetual NOW and to open ourselves to receive the gift of His Grace. This shower of Grace is God’s gift to us in each and every moment but we can only receive it in the sacrament of the present moment. When I allow my mind to ruminate on past mistakes or hurts or to be consumed with worry about the future, I am refusing to be a grateful receiver of God’s Grace in the present.

Being receptive to and allowing Him to fill us with His grace is the first step in claiming our identity as His Beloved daughters. It is His grace that leads us to victory moment by moment. As we become intentional receivers of God’s love our thoughts, words, and actions will bear the Fruits of the Holy Spirit. Looking back on our day and reflecting on our receptivity to grace helps us become aware of how receiving God’s Grace is transforming our hearts and minds. Soon we may notice how this interior transformation flows out into our relationships first in little droplets… then a steady dripping… and even sometimes a soft rainfall… The transforming of our hearts and the hearts of those in relationship with us all begins right Now. And again Now. And again Now. God’s Grace is always here for us in this present moment.

Dear Jesus,

Help me to focus my thoughts on You and Your ever-present shower of grace. May I open myself to Your grace again and again, and choose to receive Your life-giving gift in each moment of my days. Thank You for letting Your Grace rain down upon the dry, barren desert places in my heart, mind, soul, and life. Grant me the ability to see and experience the blossoming of hope, healing, and fruits of the Spirit that always accompany the humble and grateful receptivity of Your Grace. In Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen.

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What Authentic Love Is…And Is Not

Valentine’s Day is a wonderful time to share gifts, time, and experiences to show love in marriage, friendship, and kinship. Yet, we can see that our culture’s definition of love is not a healthy one.

The versions of love we see on screen are usually bad caricatures of authentic love: we see one character either so independent that they are selfish and uncaring, or we see another character so dependent on attention that they make an idol out of their partner. In both cases, the characters want to receive love, and in just the way they please, but are rarely motivated to show authentic love. Sometimes this is due to pure selfishness, most often the character doesn’t realize the true definition of love and believes they are operating in a healthy way.

The mission of Integrity Restored is to help individuals, spouses, families, and communities that have been affected by pornography; to show the goodness of authentic love and expose the dangers of distorted love. Integrity Restored provides education, training, encouragement, and resources to break free from pornography, heal relationships, and to assist parents in preventing pornography exposure. We also train and help clergy in assisting families at the parish level, so that the domestic church truly becomes what it is, the human space in which we encounter Christ.

Definitions of love coming from Aquinas and Chesterton usually sum up like this: authentic love is willing the good of the other for the sake of the other. Distorted love, in contrast, seeks pleasure only and is not willing to sacrifice for the good of the other.

Distorted love can be hidden under the guise of giving, but when distorted love gives something, the ultimate motivation is for self, rather than the other person.

This isn’t to say that authentic love isn’t joyful, that the person expressing authentic love never receives anything in return for their efforts. In fact, when two people genuinely share authentic love, they each care so much for the other that they are almost constantly receiving love in various love languages.

A key difference occurs when things are out of balance. When one partner, for instance, is ill or otherwise unable to meet expectations, is the other partner able to cope? Are they able to pour love into the other even while things aren’t 50/50? A common Christian teaching on marriage is that it’s not 50/50, but 100/100. Each person is giving 100 percent of themselves at all times without “counting the cost.” When both partners commit to that, needs are met and joy is found in loving the other. Authentic marital love understands that sacrifice is necessary to show true love, but doesn’t count the cost because the well-being of the other is more important than self.

This Valentine’s Day, we encourage you to ponder your own capacity for authentic love. How much would you sacrifice for your spouse, your friend, or your family? Consider what limitations you have and ask yourself if they are reasonable (basic needs) or if you’re placing luxury above love. Examine distorted love in your life. Are you trying to fill voids with food, sex, pornography, or money?

This type of self-examination can be difficult, but when guided by the Holy Spirit through professional resources, it can lead a person to a beautiful understanding and expression of authentic love.

 

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The Ever-Present Canvas of God

School mornings were about to get a great deal more stressful. A week after I committed to driving my daughter to and from school every day she excitedly informed me that she had gotten a place in not just one, but two ensemble choirs. My excitement was dulled when I realized this meant our drive on three school mornings would be an hour earlier than usual for rehearsals. Neither of us are morning people and another Cleveland winter was looming around the corner. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I can do all things with Christ’s help, even dreadful things. And God certainly had a surprise waiting for me!

He did not miraculously transform us into easy to awaken, cheerful lovers of morning. Nor did He do away with the before school stressors. He simply does what He has been doing every morning… commanding the sun to rise. The route I drive to and from my daughter’s school offers me a breathtaking view of the sun rising above the darkened outline of trees. On our way to school we catch the first hints of light and color through the rearview mirrors, but on my trip back home I am driving straight into the sunrise.

I am convinced that God is the Source and Master Artist of all that is Good, True, and Beautiful. As an aspiring artist myself, I look to Him for inspiration and instruction. My morning drive and frequent walks with the dog have me often gazing upward and reflecting on God’s constantly changing canvas of the sky. Moment by moment His creativity is flowing – adding brushstrokes of color or a sudden burst of light that then casts a surprising shadow, blowing on the clouds changing their shape or position and even making them disappear altogether. This tiny piece of sky above me, a work of art in and of itself, is merely a fraction of the entire canvas. God’s sky blue primed canvas stretches around the world! In every place and every moment, He is offering each of us a glimpse of the heavens and the creative power of our Divine Artist. The sky is an artistic masterpiece for us to admire and reflect upon, free of charge, if we just step out the door and look upward.

This is mindfulness! God has given me the “power of a sound mind” and asks me to “take captive every thought” so that in all things I may give Him glory. When I breathe in the beauty of the rising sun on my early morning drive, I deliberately choose to shift my awareness from my chaotic thoughts about the day ahead to the ever-present canvas of God above me. My Lord is a gift-giving God… in choosing mindfulness I graciously and with gratitude receive the gifts He offers in every moment, in every detail, of my life and my world.

 

 

 

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There is More Healing to be Done

Some days, the fact that my healing journey has no definitive ending date is frustrating and exhausting. Yet other days I am able to see my journey as a gift and an adventure. I wonder if my “healing journey” is really just a name for what I am called to do each and every day… live in a broken world with my eyes fixed on Jesus and with trust and hope, in every moment, become a truer reflection of the image of God. 

Becoming… it is an active continual process. The acts of becoming and of healing are integral to one another and possibly synonymous. In this broken world can I, can any of us, escape the heartbreak, trauma, sufferings that inflict physical, emotional, and spiritual wounds? Our wounds invite us to open the door to healing again and again. I experience a deep peace when I shift my perspective and see my physical and emotional pain as the doorway to healing. My Lord has proven Himself a faithful and gentle Physician. Together, we have walked through many thresholds with pain and sorrow as welcome mats. But when I turn my gaze from my wounds to the brilliance of His Light piercing through the cracks of the doorframe, I am not afraid to push the door open wide. 

I used to ask “Lord, when will I be HEALED? What will it be like to be HEALED?” I believe He has given me an answer….
In this world of heartache, sin, illness, and death I cannot find one who is “healed” and never in need of more healing. I know what HEALED looks like when I meditate on images of the risen Christ. My resurrected Savior is glorious, brilliant, and fully alive! Yet, He bears the scars of His wounds. His suffering is over but not forgotten. His scars remind me that had He not been tortured and crucified there would have been no healing, no resurrection necessary. 

I must walk my healing journey with Christ, at peace with the knowledge that in this world I will have pain but I do not need to fear because He has overcome this world. His overcoming was in His suffering, dying and only then in His rising. My overcoming can be no different. I will know “healed” when I see my Beloved face to face in Heaven. For now… there is more healing to be done and that’s okay. 

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Gia’s Story: Why We’re Here

I fell in love with my now ex-husband during my favorite season: the time between Halloween and Thanksgiving. We shared our friends and family at holiday gatherings, taking turns introducing each other with pride. It was a deeply bonding experience to watch the other represent our partnership to new people. At night, we twinkled over bonfires and sang love songs by the record player. We were young, attractive and successful. Behind his pinstripe suit and ring of business associates was a man with family values and a great sense of humor. He proposed, and we started trying for a baby the following year. I filled my days with yoga and decorating. I found my flow in married life quickly and soon enrolled in online college courses, started a fiction piece and resumed chasing my dreams, all while continuing to fulfill my “wifely duties.”

My then-husband, Sam*, had a 45-minute commute each way to and from his office in downtown Atlanta. Early on, he would be home by seven at the latest, never too late to share a meal. Atlanta is notoriously bad for traffic, so when he started “waiting it out” at his local crawl, I didn’t think twice about it. After a while, I realized we hadn’t had dinner together on a weeknight in almost a month. I wanted to trust him, but all the time alone at home went to my head. With no one around to talk me out of it, I installed spyware on his cell phone. (I do NOT suggest this as it is illegal in some cases, and massive breach of trust in almost all). I was relieved to discover he was not cheating on me. However, during his lunch break, the GPS feature showed Sam in the parking garage. During this time (for about an hour, sometimes up to two), the browser log listed pornography sites. Almost all the URLs listed included the word “transsexual.” My heart plummeted, and a chasm opened up between us where our intense sexual bond existed only seconds before. I felt the swelling expanse of doubt for our history together and the future to come. I read the evidence over and over to the point of obsession before something inside me snapped.

Every person is different, male and female, as is each relationship. I believe the spiral of hatred and disgust down which I was falling ceased only due to my mind, body and spirit’s last resort when faced with such a trauma: a complete numbness.

We pursued counseling, made extra strides in our sex life and put on brave faces for our families. Sam’s sexual advances increased in frequency and aggression. I retracted into my work. Nights turned to mornings like a waning tide. Two months later, we separated.  I moved to the most beautiful beach I could find. I was in my mid 20’s, running circles around a deep emotional wound I wasn’t ready to face. That numbness continued for a long time, even when I thought the most beautiful beach would save me.

Since that day, I have sought, received and witnessed healing in many forms. I am able to feel again and most importantly, experience hope. Each day still brings new challenge, lessons and restored faith in my path. I was introduced to Integrity Restored and knew almost immediately that I wanted to help. Here, in this place, I will share the hope and healing I’ve found in my own modern life, and invite you to do the same. While my story may not be the same as yours, betrayal, loss of trust, and journey in recovery put us all on the same team.

I still believe in love. I take life and its people as they come. It would be nearly impossible to find a man or woman on this earth who hasn’t struggled with trust issues, addiction or trauma. There is no magic pill or dotted line that can secure freedom from forces like temptation and doubt. Let us explore a healing path on this journey to recovery together.

With hope and love,

Gia

*Names have been changed.

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I Encouraged My Husband to Watch Porn With Me. It Nearly Destroyed Us

For most of my life, I have had a strange relationship with my body.

I used to hate her and tried to destroy her by drinking alcohol, doing drugs, and binge eating. I used to use her, trading her as  currency to anyone who dated me, hoping to get love in exchange for sex.

I certainly didn’t see my body as beautiful and I never expected anyone else to. I knew I didn’t look like the women on TV or in magazines. I knew I could never compete with them; I could never be sexy. I thought the only way to find love and happiness was to give a man sex. If my body couldn’t turn him on, porn would.

Beginnings

My husband and I started watching porn early in our relationship. My childhood was riddled with sexual abuse and so I was very self conscious about my body. I was convinced that while my husband may have said he loved me, he couldn’t have possibly been attracted to me.

Encouraging my husband to watch porn seemed like a way in which I could turn him on without risking rejection.

It was a way I could control our sex life and feel safe while allowing myself to  be vulnerable. My husband had watched porn for years before meeting me and he seemed happy to continue. He was thrilled to have such an enlightened wife who wouldn’t make him feel ashamed for indulging in it.

Out of Control

What happens when you allow the demon of porn into your marriage? When you give it your blessing? It takes over. Porn became all my husband could ever think about. I constantly had to find new ways to keep his interest: new genres of pornographic films, new magazines, new fantasies.

Eventually, I made the decision to turn porn into real life and I sought out new partners for my husband. Every boundary crossed led me further into self-hatred. I hated my body, my life, and even my husband.

Conversion

Eventually the tail spin stopped. I finally hit bottom. With the help of counseling and a 12-step program, I started working on my childhood issues and I began the process of healing. I also came back to the faith of my childhood and the Catholic Church embraced me and all my brokenness. For the first time in my life I ended the war on my body and started the long process of making amends to her for the years of hell she went through.

Eventually, with the intervention of the Holy Spirit, my husband also broke free from the grips of lust. We began attending marriage counseling and re-committed ourselves to each other and to having a chaste marriage.

We survived.

While watching porn may seem commonplace now, I think most people have no idea of how truly soul-crushing the demon of porn can be. It enters silently into your life and quietly enslaves you, making you do shameful things. It causes you to hurt yourself and your loved ones. It’s not sexy or empowering and it does not belong in a marriage. I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

Join an Online Support Group

If you are a woman who struggles with pornography and are looking for an supportive online group, you can join our women’s group on Facebook here.

If you’re the spouse of a man who looks at pornography and are looking for a supportive online group, join this Facebook group.

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Healing From My Husband’s Porn Addiction

If you haven’t yet subscribed to our podcast on iTunes, do can do that here.


Today I chat with my friend Anon (not her real name) about how she discovered her husband was addicted to porn and then how she sought to help him be free from it and save her family. It’s a very beautiful and raw conversation that, I think, will help many people.

Visit Anon’s website here.

Further Resources:

See the book that my wife and I wrote/edited, Restored: True Stories of Love and Trust After Porn. Also, What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Anne Croshaw.

 

 

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