“Where do I start? Are there any go-to resources you recommend?” These are questions I’m often asked by those plagued by pornography: by individuals struggling, the spouses of addicts, or parents wanting to protect their children.
The following are 20 book recommendations. 20 books the porn industry wishes were never written: five for individuals, five for spouses, five for parents, and five for people wanting to learn more about porn’s negative effects.
Please note that while I heartily recommend all of these books, that isn’t to say that I agree with every detail or argument within them. Sometimes things are suggested or said outright that are contrary to the Catholic faith, but the good in these books, in my opinion, far outweighs the negative. So, read with a discerning spirit, and I think you’ll find the information, encouragement, and hope you need to continue the battle against pornography.
For Individuals
Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women Who Turned From Porn to Purity by Matt Fradd
Victory: A Guide for Overcoming Pornography Addiction by Matt Fradd and Mark Hart
Treating Pornography Addiction: Essential Tools for Recovery by Dr. Kevin B. Skinner
Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win The Battle Against Pornography by Peter C. Kleponis
Fortify: A Step Toward Recovery by Fight The New Drug
For Spouses
Restored: True Stories of Love and Trust After Porn by Matt and Cameron Fradd
What Can I Do About Me?: Healing From the Trauma of my Husband’s Pornographt and Sexual Addiction by Rhyll Anne Croshaw
When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart by Vicki Tiede
Partners: Healing from His Addiction by Doug Weiss
Intimate Treason: Healing the Trauma for Partners Confronting Sex Addiction by Claudia Black and Cara Tripodi
For Parents
Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn Proofing Today’s Young Kids by Kristen A. Jenson and Gail Poyner
The Joyful Mysteries of Life by Catherine and Bernard Scherrer
30 Days of Sex Talks: Empowering Your Child with Knowledge of Sexual Intimacy (Volumes 1-3)
The Story of Me: God’s Design for Sex (volume 1) by Brenna Jones (Author), Stan Jones
Before I Was Born: God’s Design for Sex (volume 2) by Carolyn Nystrom
For Further Education on Porn’s Effects
Pornified: How Pornography Is Damaging Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families by Pamela Paul
The Drug of the New Millennium: The Brain Science Behind Internet Pornography by Mark B. Kastleman
Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain by William M. Struthers
What’s the Big Deal About Pornography? A Guide for the Internet Generation by Jill C. Manning
Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction by Gary Wilson
P.S. If you haven’t yet subscribed to our weekly podcast, you should! 🙂 Do so here.
Many people don’t realize how pornography affects relationships. They view it simply as an exciting form of “adult entertainment.” Both men and women are unaware of how using pornography can hurt their relationships.
One of the primary ways porn affects relationships is that it redefines sex. According to our Catholic faith, sex is a wonderful gift from God. It is the way a married couple expresses their covenantal love for each other. It is the physical, emotional, and spiritual self-giving of spouses to each other. Sex unites husbands and wives in their bond of love for each other and is open to the possibility of new life. Pornography, however, reduces sex to nothing more than a recreational activity where the only goal is to have the strongest orgasm possible. In these scenarios, people simply end up being used. There is no love, intimacy, commitment or responsibility in such a sexual relationship. While it may seem exciting in the moment, ultimately it leaves people feeling more lonely and unfulfilled.
Pornography use fosters great selfishness in relationships. As I stated earlier, it leads to using one another for selfish sexual purposes. Viewers of pornography use the women in men in porn. This can also overflow into their personal lives when they begin to use other people for selfish sexual purposes. They do this because this is what the people in porn are doing and they all appear to be having a great time. In fact, studies have shown that college men who regularly use pornography don’t want to get married. They actually believe that true happiness and fulfillment in life will only come from having multiple sex partners. They’re buying into the lies presented by the porn industry. Those who participate in a lifestyle modeled after porn can only end up feeling lonely, used, and exploited.
Pornography use can be particularly damaging for women in relationships. Studies have shown that 39% of young women don’t see a problem with viewing pornography for themselves or with their husbands or boyfriends. This attitude stems from several causes. First, pornography has become such an accepted part of the culture for young people, they see no problem with it. Young women have come to view sex and pornography use as necessary for any relationship. It’s where they are getting their sex education. Thus, they believe the sex in pornography is normal and healthy for any relationship.
There is also the matter of competition. A young woman sees the women in pornography and thinks to herself “I can compete with that. I have nothing to worry about.” However, wait until that woman is in her 40s and the women in porn are still in their 20s. Then she will think “How can I compete with that? My husband must think I’m ugly. I’ve lost my looks and am no longer desirable.” This is devastating for a woman. She will often feel hurt, betrayed and rejected. For many this is as serious as an extramarital affair. The husband may view pornography as simply images on a computer screen; however, to his wife those aren’t simply images. Those are other women!
Some men try to justify their pornography use by coaxing their wives or girlfriends into viewing it with them. They give the excuse that it will spice up their sex lives and make it more exciting. However, this never happens. Women aren’t as visually stimulated as men, so visual porn doesn’t interest them as much. In addition, most pornography depicts one or more men using a woman in selfish sexual ways. Women rarely get anything good out of such an experience. In porn, women are nothing more than sex toys for men.
Many people today turn to pornography as their sole form of sex education. They use it to learn about sex and relationships. Unfortunately, what they learn from pornography is extremely damaging. The sex portrayed in pornography is not healthy or safe. Most of it is physically dangerous, especially for women. In fact, the only way most female porn stars can endure the physical punishment of porn sex is to be drunk or high when filming those scenes. The sex in pornography is nothing more than violence toward women. You will not learn about healthy sexuality or relationships from porn.
The damage pornography does to a relationship can be irreversible. Studies have shown that pornography use plays a significant role in over 50% of all divorces. Using pornography does no good for a relationship. It will only harm it.
Most young people are called to the married vocation. To protect this vocation and have the healthiest and happiest marriage possible, my advice is to avoid pornography at all costs. Don’t get caught in the allure and excitement of pornography. It’s all a big lie!
If you haven’t yet subscribed to our podcast on iTunes, do that here. You are not going to want to miss an episode!
In this podcast I interview licensed clinical therapist, Dr. Peter Kleponis, the senior advisor here at Integrity Restored, about 5 myths we tend to believe about therapy. This is a great show not just for those addicted to porn, but for their spouses also.
- Therapy is for weak people
- Therapy is for those with huge issues
- I don’t need therapy because I can go to confession and talk to friends
- Therapists are only interested in money.
- Therapy will cost too much.
Please enjoy the show and tell others about it!
When it comes to pornography use in marriages, there are many myths that need to be dispelled. Doing so can improve a couple’s ability to heal and restore their personal lives and their marriages. Here are eight common myths I’ve found in the couples I’ve worked with over the years.
Myth #1: Viewing Pornography is More Exciting and Fulfilling than Healthy Marital Sex.
One of the major myths the pornography industry tries to make people believe is that the fantasy world of pornography is better than real sex. This has led many men to not want to get married. They believe that true happiness and fulfillment will come from having thousands of sexual experiences with multiple sex partners. The reality is that the sex in pornography never truly satisfies. If it did, pornography users would not need to constantly search for more exciting sexual experiences online. I compare sex to fire.
Viewing pornography is like lighting a match. It flares up brightly and is exciting, but then goes out just as quickly. It never fulfills. Sex in a healthy marital relationship is like building a slow-burning fire that grows over time. It may not be exciting all the time, but is always satisfies and fulfill. It’s the loving intimate relationship that accompanies marital sex that makes it fulfilling. The sacrament of marriage also adds grace to marital sex, which also makes it more fulfilling.
Myth #2: People turn to Pornography because Sex is a Need
One way that people justify their pornography use is by claiming they need sex. The truth is that sex is and appetite, not a need. For example, food and water is a need. If you don’t have it you die. If you can’t have sex, it might be a cross to bear, but it won’t kill you. As an appetite, sex must be experienced in its proper context. This is within a healthy marital relationship. Not being able to have it whenever you want actually makes it more special and fulfilling.
Myth #3: If a Husband/Wife Turns to Pornography it’s His/hers Spouse’s Fault.
Despite what might be going on in a marriage, a person’s pornography use is NEVER the fault of the spouse. Some people claim they turn to pornography because they feel lonely in their marriage, are angry with their spouse, don’t get enough sex, don’t feel respected/ appreciated by their spouse, etc. Each of these excuses explicitly or implicitly blames the spouse for the pornography use. These are weak copouts. The fact is that we are each responsible for our behaviors. If a person decides to view pornography, that is his/her decision and responsibility alone. No one else can be blamed. If there are problem issues in a marriage, they need to be properly addressed and not used as excuses to view porn.
Myth #4: Pornography Addiction is Only a Men’s Issue
While the majority of pornography addicts are currently men, it is a growing issue for women. About one third of visitors to pornographic websites are women. About 70% of women keep their cyber activity a secret. It is often difficult to identify pornography addiction in women is because they are attracted to a broader variety of pornography than men. While men are attracted mainly to visual pornography (pictures and videos), women are also attracted to chat rooms, blogs, erotic stories, and social media for pornographic content.
Another reason why this addiction is difficult to identify in women is the great shame they experience. They fear if others found out about their addiction, they would be labeled a slut or a whore and ostracized. Thus, many women addicted to pornography never come forward to seek help. Thus, they suffer in silence.
Myth #5: Pornography Addiction is Nothing More than a Selfish Sin
When one is devastated by having a spouse who is addicted to pornography, it’s easy to view it as nothing more than a selfish sin or a moral failing. While viewing pornography is sinful, like alcoholism, we must view pornography addiction as a disease. Thus, it must be treated as a disease. Moreover, it’s a disease that affects the entire family. Many experts even refer to addiction as a family disease. It is important for addicts and spouses to seek professional help immediately. The sooner they start a recovery program, the greater their success in healing and restoring their marriage. By viewing it as a disease, it’s easier to view it more rationally and seek the help that is needed.
Myth #6: An Addicted Person Uses Porn Because He/she Wants More Sex
It’s easy to believe that when one compulsively views porn he/she simply wants more sex. However, the truth is that pornography is really not about sex. It’s simply a drug that is used to cope with difficult feelings/situations. Just as a person can turn to alcohol as an escape one can turn to pornography to escape. Here is where the saying “the problem is never the problem” applies. The pornography use is merely the symptom. The real issue(s) could be loneliness, stress, anger, fear, boredom, shame, and a need for emotional intimacy.
Myth #7: He/she Uses Pornography because I Am No Longer Attractive or Sexually Desirable
This is a common belief among spouses, especially wives. Because porn stars are very young and attractive, a spouse might believe an addicted person views pornography because he/she is tired of their spouse and finds them no longer attractive. They might also believe the addict wants to replace them with a younger person. This is hardly ever the case. The addict’s pornography use is rarely about his/her spouse’s attractiveness or wanting to replace them. As stated above, pornography is simply a drug that is used to cope with difficult feelings/situations. It has little to do with the spouse.
Myth #8: If Only He/She Would only Stop Using Pornography Our Life Could get Back to Where it Used to Be
Many spouses view recovery as simply ending the pornography use and getting back to where their lives were before pornography became a problem. However, most often the pornography use predates the marriage. Often pornography use begins in childhood or adolescence. In any marriage, both partners need to be healthy to have a healthy relationship. If one or both enter into it unhealthy, they cannot have a healthy marriage. Thus, if the pornography user was addicted prior to the start of the relationship, it was never healthy to begin with. Having a healthy marriage does not mean going back to the way things used to be. It means forging a new and healthy marital relationship. While this can be work, it can also be exciting as the couple works together to create the marriage they’ve always wanted.
One couple that is an inspiration to me in my work is Mark and Debra Laaser. Over 30 years ago, when they were a young married couple, Mark was pastor of a protestant church and a counselor.
Unfortunately, Mark was also a pornography and sex addict. This led him to have sexual relationships with the people he counseled. Eventually this was made known to the church elders and he lost his job as pastor and counselor.
Because of Mark’s addiction, the Laasers lost everything – career, friends, reputation, etc. As you can imagine this was devastating for Debra. The mother of three small children, her world seemed to shatter in an instant. Her first reaction to this was to go into crisis mode. Mark went into a residential rehab program and Debra had to figure out how to support their children. This was not easy because it seemed as if most of their friends had abandoned them. Somehow through faith and ingenuity, she made it through.
Assessing Her Situation
After the dust of the crisis had settled, the gravity of the situation set in. Debra was devastated. The trauma of the situation had her cycling through many emotions. One minute she loved Mark and felt deep compassion for him. The next minute she hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. She felt deeply hurt and betrayed.
Then there were times when she blamed herself, believing Mark’s behaviors were because she wasn’t good enough for him. Above all she felt a deep shame because of the situation. Not having anyone to talk to about her ordeal, she felt all alone.
Three Choices
Throughout this time she kept praying and asking God why this was happening to her and what she should do. She came to realize that she had three choices:
1. Leave Mark. Because of the deep hurt and betrayal he caused, Debra knew she had every right to divorce Mark. She knew she was smart and resourceful and could manage without him. And no one who knew her situation would blame her for leaving him.
2. Stay married, but in name only. Debra also knew she could stay with Mark for the sake of keeping the family together. This would prevent their children from having to go through the pain of a divorce and a family breakup. While they would look like a normal couple on the outside, there would be no love, trust or intimacy in their relationship.
3. Trust that God had a plan for their marriage. Deep down Debra knew that God would not give her more suffering than she could handle. She knew that God loved her and Mark, and could bring healing and restoration into their lives. It would take great courage and faith to trust God to heal their lives. But she knew He could if they allowed Him.
The Outcome
After spending time in prayer and considering her options, Debra chose to trust God with her marriage. Every day she prayed that God would heal her, Mark, their marriage, and their family. While Mark was working his recovery program, she embarked on hers. This included individual counseling, marital counseling, and support group attendance.
While there were many ups and downs in this process, she never forgot God’s promise never leave her nor forsake her. While it took several years, Debra did experience incredible healing in her life and her marriage. She and Mark were able to restore their marriage. Today they have a healthy and fulfilling marriage.
They now minister to other couples that struggle with the effects of sexual addiction and betrayal. They are living proof that by trusting in God and being committed to the work of recovery, individual lives and marriages can be restored!
If you are a spouse who is struggling with the pain and betrayal of pornography/sexual addiction, you have the same three choices that Debra had. However, take time to consider God’s love for you.
It may be difficult to believe that God has a special plan for you, your spouse and your marriage, but the fact is He does! He wants to bring healing and restoration to your life and your marriage. It will take a lot of faith, patience, and courage, but the outcome will be worth it.
When both spouses are willing to trust God and do the work on recovery, God can completely transform your lives and give you the healthy and happy marriage you’ve always wanted!
To learn more about Debra Laaser’s healing journey, read her book, Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed.
I remember feeling insane. Like a lunatic. I was too dizzy with hurt and emotion to discern what was real.
I questioned everything I thought was true—his love for me, his professed chastity, why I married him in the first place, his fidelity. I hated him for deceiving me. I wanted to scream, “How could you do this to us?!” I pitied him on occasion when I recalled the years he struggled against lust, being in and out of support groups, reading books, saying prayers, taking what seemed like every approach to rid himself of his porn addiction; but my pity ran out and all I had left was hardness of heart. The fact was that he kept looking and watching and acting out, while I sat silent, looking and feeling like a fool.
Sometimes I could read in his face and behavior when he fell to temptation; I knew if I brought my intuition forward, however, it wouldn’t be well received because, honestly, I didn’t know how to bring it up. He took any and all discussion of pornography off the table years ago; my emotionally charged responses—anger, sorrow, or otherwise—were over the top and overwhelming to him. Though I know now that I was right to be emotional, I didn’t know how to react in a healthy way.
But because we weren’t talking about it, I felt shut out of the biggest cross in our marriage. Forced into silence and terrified isolation, I stuffed my feelings and bitterness sprouted in their place. This fear cause a ripple effect on the rest of our relationship. I was scared to be vulnerable in any sense—in mistakes I made, in dinners I made, in my hopes and dreams that I learned to keep to myself lest I subject myself to his criticism. Intimacy was frightening too, because I never knew if his mind was with me or in some digital fantasy.
My husband kept me at arm’s length and didn’t let me in emotionally, and so taught me that my heart wasn’t important enough to resist allures from a sex-glorifying society. He continued to act out and turn to porn. I learned to hate myself; I don’t look like a porn star and I certainly don’t act like one.
I was ashamed of my often pregnant or postpartum body; so awkward and impossibly different from the images he preferred. I became ashamed of my feelings or even wishing to be close to him; any time I drew near him to cuddle on the couch or hold hands during a movie, it just seemed like an annoyance on his part and I felt like a bother.
Seven years prior to this point, I married a man who surpassed my dreams. He was prayerful and hilarious. He cared deeply for my soul and had a big vision for what we could be til death did we part. We knew each other and we were best friends.
But I didn’t know him anymore. He still prayed, but I didn’t see any efforts toward happiness in our vocation. I felt unsafe, unvalidated, unloved, and crazy with anxiety, actually developing PTSD over the course of our marriage.
And I was alone.
My husband and I are active in our parish and diocese as a whole. People know our faces, our kids, and our marriage; but not our secret. I didn’t feel like I could turn to anyone—counselors or clergy—because I held such a fearful clutch on anonymity. I was ashamed for us both.
In my darkest days and deepest fear, I reached out to the one priest I knew was trained and experienced to help wives of porn addicts. One priest. I scoured the Catholic resources here and came up empty and isolated. There are no lay or religious Catholics in my diocese trained to help married couples cope with the fallout of pornography. The one priest I know is hundreds of miles away and doing what he can to aid people all over the country, though he himself is diocesan and tasked beyond this work.
But I was desperate. I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t alone. In our initial conversations, this priest encountered an angry woman wrought with fear and pain from both childhood and marriage. Father told me that I had been wounded to the heart and that my pain was real. He sent me to bloomforwomen.com, a site dedicated to women healing from betrayal trauma, where I began taking online courses in managing my anxiety from my husband’s addiction, as well as investing more in my overall wellness. From my priest and Bloom, I was told that not only was my pain common, but also that healing from it was a real possibility. So hard to believe, but I had to. After years of hurt and feeling as though my sense of betrayal and crisis were misplaced and unreasonable, I was validated.
Freedom.
All it takes is someone to tell you that it shouldn’t have happened to you and that your husband’s addiction doesn’t have to define or control you to feel human again. The sensation wasn’t earth shattering, but I knew I was allowed to feel: “My anger is legitimate. I’m not crazy.” I wish I could put words to how empowered I felt. I started working out and eating better – not to skinny down so I could vie for my husband’s attention – but because I wanted to love myself better. I learned I’m worth the effort. I didn’t know that before because I took my cues from an emotionally distant husband who conveyed through his actions that I wasn’t worth his time. Now I know my value is independent of what anyone in this world thinks of me, because I am made in the Image of One who cherishes me as His beloved. I felt renewed.
And it made me speak up.
“I’m writing you a letter,” I teared up just saying so, and watched him go from calm to alarmed. “Part of my recovery involves being heard by you.”
He refused to read it and was immediately defensive and angry; prior to receiving spiritual direction with my priest, I would have sobbed and reproached myself for thinking I could talk to him about it at all.
But this time I pushed.
He argued and pointed fingers and put up walls. I argued back. I defended myself and told him our marriage was failing. I was brave and I’m rarely brave when it comes to fighting for my own cause.
My husband and I have a daunting amount of healing to endure, both together and separately. I wish I could say after a little bit of help from my priest, a few Bloom classes, and one hard conversation with my husband that I opened his eyes and everything was great; but I can’t. He resisted and held tight to both his tried-and-failed approaches to recovering from porn and previously established silence between us.
This time and in occasions after, I didn’t take it so personally. More and more clearly I see how wounded he is and how afraid.
It’s encouraging to take a look at my Before and After Help life, but I’m not naive; I know I have a long way to go before my husband and I see real healing. There will be emotional and psychological baggage to unpack and sort through, but for the first time in our marriage I have hope for myself and hope for us. I’m broken and hurt, but I’m not crazy. I’m not beyond help and I’m not beyond the grace of God.
When Tom and Bernadette came to my office for help for Tom’s addiction to
Internet pornography they were both ready to work on recovery. Having done
some research on addictions they knew that 12-step support groups were crucial
for healthy recovery. However, they didn’t know which groups were needed or
where to begin in finding one.
Initially, they only believed that Tom needed a group. They were surprised when I
told them they each needed to attend a support group and that they both would
eventually need to attend a couples’ group. Once they understood the need and
benefit of each group, they were open to attending the recommended groups.
Support Groups for Addicts
Most people are aware of the need for 12-step support groups for those who
struggle with addictions. Ever since Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) developed the 12-
steps over 80 – years ago, millions of people have benefited from working them as
an integral part of recovery. Other successful support groups have been modeled
after AA, including Narcotics Anonymous, Gambler’s Anonymous and Overeater’s
Anonymous. In a 12-step support group, an addict can find a safe place to be him
self. He can share his deepest, darkest secret and not be confronted with shame,
humiliation or ridicule from the other group members.
In fact, for most addicts, the 12-step support group is the first place where they
have ever encountered true unconditional love and acceptance. It is also a place
where one can find a strong system of accountability for sobriety. It is in this
environment that a person can begin to experience real healing and recovery.
It takes great humility to attend a 12-step support group, but it is also very
important. By recognizing his helplessness over the addiction and the need
for help, an addict is finally on the path to recovery. Four
groups that I recommend are:
Tom attended a meeting of all four groups to see which one he felt most comfortable
in. He selected a group that had men who were around his age, who were deeply
committed to recovery, and who met at a time that worked with Tom’s schedule. In
this group, Tom found the support and accountability he needed for his recovery.
He found a sponsor who helped him work through the 12-steps. This helped him
take responsibility for his recovery. This resulted in sustained sobriety and true
healing.
Support Groups for Spouses
Spouses also need a place where they can surround themselves with other people
who understand what they are going through. It is important for spouses to realize
they are not alone. Many spouses feel deeply hurt and betrayed because of this
addiction. They often feel they will never recover. They feel discouraged and have
little hope for restoring their marriage. They need a group where they can meet
other spouses who have experienced true healing in their personal lives and in their
marriages. I often compare these people to the diet ads often found in magazines
where there is a “before” picture and an “after” picture.
Many of these people can only see themselves as a “before” picture in recovery.
They need to see people who are “after” pictures to can give them great
hope and encouragement in their personal and relationship recovery.
In these groups, spouses also work through a modified 12-step program. While they
may not be addicted to anything, anyone can benefit from working the 12-steps.
They are wisdom for life. Through this process many spouses identify many deep
wounds they carry that are not associated with the addiction. For example, while a
wife is never responsible for her husband’s addictive behaviors, there may be deep
wounds from her family-of-origin that she brought into the marriage that could be
affecting their relationship. This in turn could have an effect on the addiction. By
working on healing her own wounds, a wife can have a positive impact on her
husband’s recovery and on the healing of their marriage.
Attending a recovery group for spouses can be very difficult because of the deep
shame they carry because of the addiction. Fortunately the unconditional love and
acceptance they experience in a support group can help them begin to let go of their
shame and understand their value and dignity in God’s eyes and in the eyes of all the
people who truly love them. This is extremely healing for spouses.
In addition to the groups I recommend above, another I’d recommend is S-Anon.
For Bernadette, attending a support group was a lifesaver. She found a
compassionate group of women who were there to hear her story and could identify
with it because they had similar stories. They offered shoulders to cry on during the
tough times and where there to celebrate during the victories. They were always
available to encourage Bernadette to persevere in her recovery. What was most
valuable to Bernadette was meeting women who had been through the healing
process and had restored their marriages. This gave her the most hope.
Support Groups for Couples
After many months of attending their individual support groups and experiencing
much healing, Tom and Bernadette were ready to take their healing journey to the
next level. In addition to attending their individual support group meetings they
began to attend a group for couples recovering from addiction.
In this group, they met couples whose lives had also been rocked by addiction and
were working on recovery together. Like those diet ads, Tom and Bernadette were
able to meet couples that represented the “after” picture in recovery. Those couples
had experienced much personal and marital healing. They had created new marital
relationships that were truly healthy and fulfilling.
Because there were no secrets in these marriages husbands and wives could be truly
authentic with each other. This resulted in true marital intimacy. They knew each
other thoroughly and felt safe with each other. While none of these couples ever wanted
to have to deal with addiction and recovery, they were grateful for the process because
it resulted in marriages that are actually stronger and healthier than most.
The group I recommend most for this is Recovering Couples Anonymous
While they were a bit nervous about attending this group, Tom and Bernadette
ended up developing life-long friendships there. Meeting other couples in recovery
further helped them realize they were not alone. Now they had friends together
with whom Tom and Bernadette could be truly authentic. Bernadette often jokingly
refers to them as “the best friends they never wanted to have.” She cherishes them.
Extended Healing
By attending individual and couples support groups recovering addicts and spouses
can improve other relationships in their lives. Because these groups can help in
letting go of guilt and shame, these people can finally be open and honest about their
recovery with close family and friends. This can deepen the intimacy in those
relationships. Tom and Bernadette came to the point were able to share with their
parents and siblings about their struggle with addiction and recovery. They were
amazed at how loving and compassionate their families were. This even helped
Tom’s brother come out and admit his struggle with pornography. They were then
able to help him get help for his addiction.
Tom and Bernadette continue their healing process by helping others in recovery.
They are now sponsors for members of their individual and couples groups. Most of
all, they are enjoying the healing they have experienced and the healthy intimate
marriage they always wanted.
