, ,

Divorce Trauma and Pornography Addiction

When Chris came to me for help for his pornography addiction he sincerely wanted to uncover and resolve the root causes of his addiction.

He had read stories about people addicted to pornography and sex who as children had been abused, neglected, or were raised by alcoholics. Because he had experienced none of these traumas in his life he couldn’t figure out how he had become addicted to porn. To Chris, he lived a normal healthy life as a child.

Divorce is Traumatic for Children

In discussing Chris’s family background, it was discovered that his was far from a normal healthy childhood. As a young child, life was happy for Chris. He remembered good times with his parents and two siblings. Then when he was eleven ,his parents started arguing more. Some nights his father wouldn’t even come home.

His father claimed he simply had to “work late.” But Chris felt there were bigger problems. Finally when he was twelve Chris’s parents told him that they were separating. They tried to explain how it would be better for the family because there would be less arguing, but Chris didn’t believe them. For him this was devastating news.

Because so many of Chris’s friends came from divorced homes he felt he simply had to accept his situation and make the best of it. His father moved out and within a year Chris’s parents were divorced. He saw his father on Wednesday evenings and every other weekend. Deep down Chris ached over the loss of his father. He felt deeply betrayed by his parents and abandoned by his father.

Unfortunately, he felt he had no one to talk to. He believed he simply had to accept this new life. At the same time he began to view pornography more regularly. He had his own iPhone and tablet, which were not monitored. He would often come home to an empty house in the afternoon, go up to his room, and spend hours lost in porn. It was his ultimate escape.

Soon it would consume his life making it extremely difficult for him to succeed in school or to have healthy relationships. Chris’s story is similar to many I’ve heard. Because divorce is so prevalent in our culture, little is said about the effects it has on children. The fact is that divorce is devastating for kids. It’s traumatic. They lose their intact family. Often it’s dad who moves out so they lose their sense of safety in the home. Without a dad there is no one to guide boys into becoming virtuous young men. There is no one to affirm young girls in their true beauty and dignity.

Books such as The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (Wallerstein, 2001) and Between Two Worlds (Marquardt, 2006) provide well-documented evidence of the damage that divorce does to children.

Self-Medicating

Like Chris, many kids from divorced families have nowhere to turn to work through the pain of their parents’ divorce. Few ever get any counseling. They also tend to spend more time alone, which can lead them to spend hours surfing the net.

This can ultimately lead them to self-medicate their pain with pornography. This is not just a problem for boys and young men. Girls and young women also struggle from divorce trauma and can turn to pornography for comfort.

This early and excessive exposure to pornography not only leads them into addiction, it also leads them to be more sexually promiscuous. In their loneliness they turn to each other for comfort in sexual ways.

It’s important for parents to understand how divorce can affect their kids and the long-term consequences. It’s true that divorce is better for kids from high stress marriages where there is a lot of fighting and even abuse. However, two thirds of divorces are not from high stress marriages. Such couples should work on healing and restoring their marriages. In the long-run they and their children will be happier and healthier.

Healing is Possible

For those of you whose parents divorced when you were a child or teen, you know the pain of a family breakup. If you turned to pornography to self-medicate, don’t lose heart. Healing and recovery are possible. With professional help you can recover from the wounds that led you to self-medicate with porn. By healing those wounds you eliminate the need to self-medicate.

This will not only help you live life free of porn, you will also be able to have healthier, more fulfilling relationships. God is also there to help you through the healing process. By developing a devotion to the holy family, the Blessed Mother, St. Joseph and Jesus can help heal deep wounds. Even though your earthly family may have broken up, your heavenly family has always been there for you as a safe refuge.

/by

10 Signs Your Husband Might be Looking at Porn

For many wives, discovering that their husband has been looking at porn can be traumatizing.

According to Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means, authors of the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, 70 percent of wives dealing with spousal betrayal fit the criteria for PTSD. That’s right, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Steffens explains, “Once disclosure happens, and her world is shattered, she is still expected to be wife, mother, she’s working, a professional person, on the job. You don’t get time off for this. We are lucky in our society to get three days off if we’re grieving the loss of a loved one. We get no time off when our lives have been shattered due to sex addiction and this kind of betrayal.”

In the video below I suggest ten signs that your husband might be looking at porn.

This is not meant to incite undue suspicion in the minds of wives. Instead, it’s my hope that it will encourage wives, especially those who suspect their husband might be looking at porn, to begin a very important conversation.

Some things can only be healed by the antiseptic light of truth.

My wife and I have just released a new book for women entitled Restored: True Stories of Love and Trust After Porn.

The book is intended for women who are suffering betrayal trauma due to their partner’s porn/sex addiction. You can buy them for as low as $2 a book. Read a free chapter of Restored here.

restored-banner-for-web-site

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0, Logo added.

/by

Wives: When it Feels Like Your World is Falling Apart

When Karen discovered her husband’s pornography addiction, her world seemed to fall apart.

She felt deeply hurt and betrayed. Suddenly the man she had been married to for fifteen years was a total stranger to her. She felt she could never trust him again. She did not feel safe with him. She moved into another bedroom and wouldn’t allow her husband to touch her.

Emotionally, Karen cycled through many painful emotions: anger, sadness, fear, shame, embarrassment, etc. She sought professional help because she couldn’t understand what she was going through and it scared her. What Karen was experiencing was trauma.

Understanding Trauma

A person experiences trauma when they encounter a dangerous situation where they have no control. Their ability to feel safe has been shattered and they will go to great lengths to regain that control – even if those lengths are unhealthy. Barbara Steffans and Marsha Means in their book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse list four general symptoms of trauma related to sexual addiction.

Note that there is much overlap among the symptoms:

1. Avoidance

Here the traumatized wife will avoid activities or other reminders of the traumatic event.  Some wives may choose to look at porn with their husbands to avoid conflict and hoping that he will turn to her for sex. Others will avoid sex altogether.  Still others will numb their feelings or deny the situation. They will detach from their husbands emotionally.

2. Re-experiencing

Recurrent and intrusive thoughts and memories of the traumatic event that cannot be controlled. A wife may be plagued with constant thoughts about what her husband has done. These thoughts can consume a person’s energy and intensifies the anxiety.

3. Avoidance and Arousal

A wife may ignore her “intuition” or new evidence that her husband is acting out again. On the other hand, she may become hyper vigilant in trying to control her environment. She may try to control when her husband uses the computer, how long and what websites can be accessed.

4. Arousal

This is intense emotional pain. This can include feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, and shame. Some women have panic attacks and/or uncontrollable crying. She may wonder what she did wrong to cause her partner to turn to pornography.  The shame and embarrassment may keep her from telling others about her situation. She might try to control every aspect of her husband’s life to prevent being hurt again.

These behaviors are meant to protect the wife from being hurt any further. The goal is to ensure safety.  While Karen experienced all four reactions to trauma, Re-experiencing, Avoidance and Arousal, and Arousal were the strongest. She would have “flashbacks” of when she discovered her husband’s pornography addiction and the weak excuses he provided. She would also try to control him by limiting his access to the Internet and would scour their credit card statements and phone bills to identify any additional pornography use. This left her feeling deeply depressed and anxious. Karen realized what she was doing was not helping her recover.

She felt as if she were going crazy.

Treating Trauma

In therapy, Karen learned that her reactions were normal. She also agreed they were not healthy. Through individual and marital therapy, Karen was able to find healing for her trauma. By understanding pornography addiction as a disease and not simply a moral failing, Karen could begin to forgive her husband. In their marital sessions they discussed his painful childhood and how he had used porn to self-medicate deep emotional wounds.

Her husband took full responsibility for his addiction and actively participated in his recovery program. He was totally honest and transparent with Karen. All of this helped her rebuild trust in her husband and heal their marriage. Joining a women’s support group helped her realize she was not alone. This fortified her recovery process.

Seeing how his pornography use affected Karen strengthened her husband’s resolve to recover from his addiction and restore their marriage. He never wanted to hurt her so deeply, and he was determined to never do it again.

Hope for Wives

If you are struggling with trauma because of your husband’s pornography use, there is hope for healing. With professional help and God’s healing power, you can recover from the trauma. You can restore your life and your marriage. God won’t leave you alone in this process. He will walk with you every step of the way guiding you to the people and the resources that can help you!

A Word to Husbands

While society portrays pornography use as a “victimless crime,” husbands need to realize the truth about it. There are many victims of pornography use. Wives are prime victims. As you can see above, your pornography use can be extremely traumatizing for your wife. God calls men to be strong leaders, providers and protectors. You need to protect your wife from anything that could harm her. This includes your pornography use. By making the commitment to never view pornography, you are protecting your wife from severe harm.

restored-banner-for-web-site

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0, Logo added.

/by

Intensity vs. Intimacy

When Lou was confronted about his use of Internet pornography, his excuse was that he was tired of the “vanilla” sex he was having with his wife, Roberta. He claimed he needed more excitement in the bedroom. This left Roberta feeling both angry and sad. She felt as if Lou was blaming her for his pornography use. She also felt inadequate as a wife, as if she wasn’t enough for Lou.

Deep down she wanted to please Lou, but was unwilling to engage in the kind of sex he was viewing on the Internet. To her that kind of sex was degrading.

Understanding the Real Need

I have heard similar stories from many of the couples I’ve worked with.

There is this belief that because a spouse is viewing Internet porn, the problem must be about sex. So they believe the answer is to have more sex and/or to try new and more thrilling sexual activities. This almost always leads to great disappointment.

The truth is that the problem usually has nothing to do with sex. It’s really about intimacy.

I always get a little frustrated when I hear people talk about “intimacy,” especially in the media. What they are really referring to is sex. Let’s be clear: sex is not intimacy. Intimacy is the deep emotional connection between two people.

They know each other thoroughly. They know they are unconditionally loved by each other. They can talk about anything and feel safe. Sex is but one expression of intimacy found in a marriage.

Where Things Go Wrong

Dr. Patrick Carnes believes that sexual addiction is often the result of a courtship disorder. In the development of a healthy relationship, the couple first gets to know each other emotionally and intellectually as persons. Here is where healthy love and intimacy can develop. This can lead a couple to make a lifetime commitment to each other in marriage. At this point they are able to enjoy a healthy sex life as an expression of their love and intimacy. Their sexual relationship can strengthen their love and intimacy in return.

In today’s world, people often become sexual before healthy love and intimacy is established. This can lead them to judge the quality of their relationships based on their sexual activity. Thus, when a person feels lonely or unfulfilled in his/her relationship, they may feel that the solution is to intensify their sex life.

They believe if sex occurs more frequently and is more exciting it will restore their relationship. When this doesn’t work, or if their spouse is unwilling to comply with this request, a person might turn to pornography where he can have as much (cyber) sex as he wants and in extremely thrilling ways.

Ultimately, this way of viewing relationships and sexuality only leads to great disappointment. The person using pornography is never really fulfilled. There is always the search for the next big thrill. Subconsciously there is the hope that porn will fulfill the deep need for intimacy.

However, the intimacy promised by pornography is an illusion. It is never real. Only through a healthy relationship with a real person can that need be fulfilled in a healthy way. Think of it this way. The sex one encounters in porn is like lighting a match. It flares up brightly for a few seconds and then it burns out. While it might be exciting at first, it never lasts.

The sex in a healthy relationship is like building a slow-burning fire in a fireplace. It might, at times, not appear too exciting, but it is truly satisfying. This comes from having a firm foundation of intimacy in the relationship.

Finding True Excitement

This is not to say that sex in a healthy marriage can’t be exciting. It can, and it’s the healthy intimacy in the marriage that makes the sex exciting. Each time a couple engages in the sexual act, it brings them closer together physically, emotionally and spiritually. It renews their wedding vows. As a unitive act that can be open to new life, it also connects them to God.  This is an experience that makes even the most “vanilla” sex exciting.

Healthy intimacy in a marriage also fosters healthy communication and respect for one another. With this the couple can be open to exploring new ways of being sexual and feel safe. This will further enhance the couple’s intimacy and sex life.

Understanding the real need helped Lou and Roberta heal their marriage. In addition to avoiding all pornography, Lou worked with a therapist to understand why it was difficult for him to experience intimacy. The roots of this problem went back to his childhood.

Roberta also had difficulty with intimacy, which made her somewhat adverse to sex. She could also trace this intimacy wound back to her childhood. Individually Lou and Roberta worked on healing their intimacy wounds from childhood. As a couple, they worked on fostering deeper intimacy in their marriage. This led to greater feelings of love and respect for one another. They felt more deeply connected. This also improved their sex life. Both were finally experiencing true fulfillment in their marriage physically, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually.

restored-banner-for-web-site

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0, Logo added

/by
, ,

How Porn Can Ruin A Man’s Sex Life

Scott had been married a year when he began to have difficulty having sex with his wife.

He was finding it more difficult to achieve and maintain an erection with her.  At the age of 30 he couldn’t believe he was struggling with erectile dysfunction!  He consulted his family doctor about it and was referred to a urologist.  The urologist examined Scott and found no physical problems.  Scott thought the doctor would prescribe Viagra for his problem.

Instead the doctor asked Scott about his use of pornography.  Scott admitted he viewed it daily, but didn’t believe it would have any negative effect on him.  He actually believed it could improve his sex life with his wife.  The urologist explained that pornography use could be the prime reason for Scott’s erectile dysfunction and recommended he stop using it immediately and never go back to it.

A Hormone Issue

In order to understand how pornography use can cause erectile dysfunction, one has to know about certain hormones and how they affect the body.  In men an women there are two common bonding hormones: Oxytocin and Vasopressin.  While men and women possess equal amounts of each hormone, Oxytocin is more active in women and Vasopressin is more active in men.  The purpose of these hormones is emotional bonding during sex. 

During intercourse, Oxytocin is the primary hormone that bonds women to men.  Vasopressin is the primary hormone that bonds men to women.  Thus, with each act of intercourse Vasopressin bonds a man more deeply to his wife.  Over a lifetime, this strengthens the love and devotion he has toward his wife.  This contributes to a happy marriage that last decades.  Unfortunately, pornography use can sabotage this healthy bonding.

Unhealthy Bonding

When a man views pornography, with or without masturbating, Vasopressin is released into his bloodstream and floods his brain.  This leads him to bond with the women in porn who are often very young and, thanks to plastic surgery, makeup and digital enhancements, don’t exist in real life.  This can lead him to only become sexually aroused by porn stars.  When he then tries to be sexual with a real women, who doesn’t look like a porn star, he may find it extremely difficult or even impossible to achieve and maintain an erection.  This can result in the inability to perform sexually.  This was Scott’s problem.

In addition to physical effects, pornography use can have emotional effects that can impact sexual performance.  As stated above, the women in porn generally don’t exist in real life.  However, excessive use of pornography, can change the way a man defines beauty.  Instead of being able to appreciate the beauty in real women (who are not a size 0 with DD breasts), he may only find the women in porn to be beautiful and sexually desirable.   Many of the women I’ve worked with feel deeply hurt and betrayed by their husbands because they know they cannot compete with female porn stars.  While the women in porn are always young, real women age. 

Maturing Appreciation for Beauty

Our society (and the porn industry) values youth as the standard for beauty by which we measure ourselves.  Aging is seen as a disease, which should be fought at all costs.  While we all should take good care of our bodies, it’s important to realize that we all age and this isn’t a bad thing. 

With age comes wisdom and confidence.  A healthy man’s appreciation for beauty should also mature as he ages.  This enables him to see beauty in women of all ages.  This is how a man who has been married for fifty years can still view his wife as the most beautiful woman in the world. 

Through a healthy sex life in a committed marital relationship, Vasopressin can help in developing this mature view of beauty.  Pornography use prevents this sense of beauty from properly developing.  It actually stunts a man, keeping him at the adolescent level in his appreciation of beauty.

The Revolution

We most often hear about the dangers of pornography use in Catholic/ Christian circles; however, even people in the secular world are beginning to see the detrimental effects of pornography.  The slang term for viewing Internet pornography and masturbating is “fapping.” 

There is now a strong online revolution called the “No Fap Movement.”  It consists of men who are giving up viewing pornography because of the harmful effects it has had on them, namely erectile dysfunction.  They are coming to understand the value of reserving sex for marriage.  These men are posting videos online discussing how viewing pornography has hurt them and how avoiding it has helped them.  It’s encouraging to see how these men, and science, are actually supporting the Church’s teaching on healthy sexuality!

Scott was shocked to learn how harmful pornography was to him and his marital relationship.  He made the vow never to view Internet pornography again.  In time, his problem with erectile dysfunction went away and he was once again able to enjoy a healthy sex life with his wife.  This also helped him develop a closer bond with his wife and a true appreciation of her beauty.

/by

Beginning the Healing Process for Couples

Bill and Kathy are in their mid-forties. They have been married twenty years and have six children. Bill is a military officer and Kathy is a stay-at-home mom. Kathy sought marital counseling when she caught Bill viewing Internet pornography.

A scan of the history on his laptop computer, cell phone and tablet revealed that he had been viewing pornography every day for months. After an individual counseling session with Bill, it was determined that he was addicted to pornography. Kathy felt devastated. For her, Bill’s use of pornography was as serious as an extramarital affair. Trust and marital vows had been broken. She cycled through many emotions: shock, numbness, anger, sadness, fear, etc. Bill felt a deep shame and sadness. He didn’t realize how deeply his pornography use would hurt Kathy. He was also shocked when he realized he was addicted to pornography.

According to Bill, pornography was simply “adult entertainment.” It was also encouraged among men in the military. Both knew they needed help and were eager to work on recovering from the addiction and healing their marriage.

To begin the healing process, counseling is needed. It’s important to find a therapist who is trained to work with couples that have been affected by sexual addiction, betrayal and trauma. More importantly, the husband should be the one to locate such a therapist. He needs to take the initiative to work on healing the marriage. This speaks volumes to his wife about how sorry he is and that he is committed to fixing the damage that was caused by the pornography use.

Understanding Her Pain

After admitting there is a problem and seeking help, the first thing a man needs to do to heal his marriage is to truly understand how his pornography use has hurt his wife. Early in the healing process I invite couples to a marital session. In that session I ask the wife to describe how pornography use has affected her. She needs a safe place to share how deeply she has been hurt. This can be very painful for husbands to hear; however, they need to know how their selfish actions have hurt their wives. They need to have healthy empathy for their wives.

I often witness men begin to cry in counseling sessions as they hear about the pain they’ve inflicted on their wives. Their hearts are broken because they realize how deeply they have hurt the persons they vowed to love and honor all the days of their lives.

This deepens their commitment to working on healthy recovery and to healing their marriage. The road to restoring the marriage may be long and hard, but knowing you understand her pain sets a firm foundation for effective healing. The therapy session where Kathy shared how deeply she had been hurt was difficult for Bill. For most of the session he sat silently. He tried to hold back tears of sadness. The guilt and the shame were almost unbearable. Still, he knew he needed to hear this. He needed to know the extent of the damage he had caused. As difficult as this was for him, it helped Kathy to know that he finally understood how she felt. She needed his empathy. His heart broke for her and he was ready to offer a sincere apology and be committed to healing and recovery for himself, Kathy and their marriage.

Healthy Apologies

In addition to understanding a wife’s pain, she needs to know her husband is truly sorry for the harm he caused. An apology needs to be heart felt and sincere. Often men will offer apologies that are not sincere.

They might say “I’m sorry if you feel hurt by my pornography use” or “I’m sorry if pornography offends you.” These apologies are weak and lack any acknowledgement of personal responsibility. With a sincere apology, you take full responsibility for your actions and the pain you’ve caused and you express true remorse. You acknowledge the results of your actions, such as:

– Marital betrayal and violated trust

– Wasted money on pornography

– Lose of valuable time with your wife and children

– Wife feeling lonely and rejected

– Infecting your wife with sexually transmitted diseases

– Being a hypocrite to others around you

Bill was heartbroken as he heard Kathy relate how his pornography use and addiction hurt her and their children. He couldn’t believe how cruel and selfish he

had been. His apology sounded something like this:

“Kathy, I now realize how my use of pornography has deeply hurt you and I am so sorry. I know it was selfish of me. I broke our marriage vows. I know you must have felt lonely and rejected by me because of it. I never meant to hurt you or the kids. I know I have a lot of work to do to overcome my addiction and restore our marriage, but please know that I am committed to it. I don’t ever want to hurt you or the kids ever again. Please forgive me.”

While Kathy was still hurt and angry with Bill, she knew his apology was sincere. This gave her hope that Bill could overcome his addiction and they could restore their marriage. They left the counseling session with a renewed hope for their marriage.

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0. Logo added

/by

5 Lies Wives Tell Themselves About Their Husband’s Porn Addiction

Finding out about your husband’s porn use is devastating. For wives, it feels like an affair. Some wives are in so much pain, that they lie to themselves to avoid it–trying to minimize the hurt. Frequently, wives are afraid to confront their husband’s about the pain they experience. They’re worried their husband will get angry, minimize the effects, blame her, treat it like it’s not a big deal, or leave her.

Here are five lies women often tell themselves to numb the pain or to feel in control of the situation:

1. Everyone Uses Porn

It’s Normal: It’s true, a lot of people look at porn. But a lot of people smoked in the 1950’s. Just because something is common or “normal” doesn’t make it healthy. Porn will destroy your marriage – as it has many marriages.

2. His Porn Use Doesn’t Affect Our Relationship

Porn use causes all kinds of problems in relationships, among them: couples have less sex, fight more, and have a difficult time connecting emotionally. Porn use changes the wiring in his brain—making it increasingly difficult for him to deal with stress or negative emotions in healthy ways. As his addiction progresses, his mental health will decline, and he will likely take out his stress and negative emotions on his wife.

3. If I lose weight, get plastic surgery, and dress perfectly, he won’t look at porn

Many wives try to compete with porn instead of rejecting it. In the process, they objectify themselves. Women will not find true love by trading their talents, unique perspectives, and God given physical traits for features that resemble societies shallow version of “perfect”. In my experience, when wives react by competing with porn, rather than rejecting it, the problem gets worse. You can’t compete with porn. If you do, you’re competing against fantasy. And you’ll always lose.

4. If we have sex every day, he won’t look at porn

Addiction is never satisfied. No one would think, “If I give a heroin addict heroin every day, he’ll stop.” For an addict, masturbation, pornography, and sex are drugs. Healthy sex can be established when the addict is emotionally healthy, using sex as a way to connect, rather than using sex to numb negative emotions. Sex is a healthy part of a loving relationship. If the husband is just using his wife to get a “hit”, it hurts the relationship.

5. It’s my fault

Wives might take responsibility for their husband’s addiction for all sorts of reasons. Most of the time it’s to try and control the situation. Not because the wife is controlling, but because she loves her husband and family and desires a joyful family life. Perhaps the wife thinks it’s her fault because she’s been spending too much time playing tennis or worrying about her son’s special needs, etc. One woman told me that her husband wouldn’t have a porn problem if she listened better. The truth is it’s not the wife’s fault. Regardless of how others act, husbands (and everyone else) make their own choice about whether or not to use porn.

Be Honest With Yourself

The best chance a wife has for happiness, in the long run, is to learn to be completely honest with herself about how she feels and communicate that clearly to her husband. Doing this will have consequences. For example, her husband may become angry.

Confronting an Addict Will Likely Cause Conflict, But It’s Worth It

Often, the porn user blames his wife, by saying, “You’re controlling. You don’t respect me. You don’t support me.” Porn users will often turn things around – “if we had sex more, I wouldn’t look at porn.” Or “I’m not attracted to you.” The truth is that a husband’s pornography use is the real reason the couple is not having sex. The porn use is the real reason he avoids his wife.

Confronting the Situation Won’t Heal The Addict, But It Will Help The Wife

One thing to keep in mind is that you can’t make an addict recover. If you choose to confront your husband about his pornography use, realize that it’s about you living honestly for your own peace of mind. The reality is the addict must be responsible for his own recovery.

As you are honest about how you feel and about how his pornography use affects you, you will grow in emotional strength and confidence. It’s true that you may get into more fights with your husband. While I don’t advocate marital fighting, I believe God when He tells us to be honest. I have faith that the command to be truthful is there for a reason. In being honest, you’re willing to explore your own feelings. You’ll be more available for a quality connection with your spouse. You deserve a loving marriage where you can share your thoughts and feelings freely.

In my case, I confronted my husband and spoke my truth. He did become angry, however, I continued to speak my truth, day after day, month after month. Instead of lying to myself to numb the pain, I spent a few months compulsively watching TV. Then, I began writing comedy to bring myself joy and gain the proper perspective to continue to work through our problems.

Obedience Creates Strength

Wives, as you become grounded in your faith, in the truth, and in reality, you will know how to confront your husband about his pornography use and stay focused when he tries to blame you or minimize the situation.

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0. Logo added.

/by

The Value of Honesty in Recovery

Overcoming pornography addiction begins with being totally honest about your addiction and exposing the lies.

Addicts will often lie to themselves and others and hide their behaviors. This is done to maintain their addiction and to hide their

shame. One of my clients, Josh, would downplay the seriousness of his addiction by telling him self that it was just “harmless adult entertainment.” He would also try to

convince himself that it wasn’t as bad as drugs or alcohol. Because he wasn’t actually going out and having sex with women, he tried to convince himself that it wouldn’t hurt his girlfriend, Karen, very much.

He was wrong on all three counts.

He hid his addiction by only using his smart phone to view pornography and engage in phone sex. Getting a high credit card bill was his wakeup call. He knew he had to be totally honest about his addiction and take full responsibility for it if he ever hoped to be free.

When a person is trapped in an addiction, his life becomes unmanageable. He is forced to keep a dark secret and his life is filled with shame because of it. There is always the fear of someone finding him out. He may present himself to family, friends and colleagues as a healthy, competent person, yet deep down he feels like a hypocrite. He knows he’s a phony. He lives his life by the five faulty core beliefs.

Five Faulty Core Beliefs

1. I’m unworthy of being loved.

2. If people really knew me, they would reject me.

3. I can’t count on anyone, including God, to meet my needs.

4. I must find something that I can control that will meet my needs.

5. Pornography/sex is my greatest need and source of comfort.

Breaking out of this cycle begins with being honest and admitting how unmanageable the addiction has made your life. In Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), the

twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous have been modified. They have replaced the work “alcohol” with “lust.” Thus, Step 1 of SA reads: “We admitted we were

powerless over lust, that our lives had become unmanageable. This is a crucial step in recovery.

For Josh, there was always the fear that Karen would ask to borrow his smart phone and then discover his Internet and phone sex activity. Or, she would find out by looking at one of his credit card statements. He also feared that his family, friends and colleagues would somehow learn of his addiction. The constant fear, guilt and shame made his life unmanageable and fed his core beliefs.

Stepping into the light

Being honest about your addiction takes it out of the darkness and brings it into the light. This decreases the power of the addiction. It can also help to reduce the shame that prevents a person from getting help.

While it was difficult to open up about his addiction, Josh discussed it with his therapist, confessor, and finally Karen. The hardest part was facing Karen’s hurt and disappointment. However, he knew that if he ever wanted to have a healthy relationship with her, he must face the truth about his addiction and be honest with her.

Some people early in recovery might want to tell everyone they know about their addiction. This is unwise. In the beginning, I recommend telling only a few people with whom you feel safe. This can include a therapist, priest, deacon, support group, close friend, and of course your spouse. These are people who can support you through the recovery process. Once you have experienced several months of healthy recovery, you can tell others.

While being honest about your addiction and taking responsibility for it can be scary, know that God is with you every step of the way. He not only wants you to be free of pornography, he wants to transform you into the person he created you to be.

Don’t Lose Hope

It’s important to remember this because there will be falls along the way. Don’t lose hope or become discouraged. If you fall, get up and keep moving. God will put loving people in your life that will help you. In John 8:31-32 we read, “Then Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, ‘If you continue in my word, you are truly my disciples; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.’” This applies to finding freedom from addiction. When we are truthful about ourselves, our addictions, and our need for help, we can live in God’s light and he will set us free.

Image via Flickr, CC 2.0, Logo added

/by