Tom was noticeably upset as he described his frustration with pornography use. It seemed that every day at work he would end up going online and viewing pornography. No matter what he tried, he always seemed to fall into the same pattern. For Tom, the root causes of his internet porn use were boredom, isolation, and access to the internet.
As a sales rep for a large chemical company, Tom worked mainly from his home office. He also traveled a lot. While he enjoyed meeting new people, Tom was bored with his career. He had been selling the same products for over five years. While the money was good, he was tired of repeating the same sales spiel over and over again. In his company, there did not appear to be much room for advancement for Tom or the opportunity to sell other products.
Tom was also bored with his life. It seemed there was no excitement in it; nothing to look forward to. He loved his wife and kids, but it felt like he was on the same treadmill day after day.
Not only was Tom bored, he was isolated. When he wasn’t on the road, he spent most of his days in a small home office making phone calls to current and potential clients. Other than the people he spoke to over the phone, Tom had no social interaction all day long. When he did talk to people, it was strictly business. This left him feeling very lonely. His home office started to feel like a prison cell. As Tom looked out the window, he couldn’t help feeling that life was just passing him by. When he traveled, Tom always ended up alone in a hotel room at the end of the day. This was also very isolated and lonely.
It’s not hard to understand how his boredom and isolation could lead Tom to crave excitement in his life. This is where Tom turned to the internet. At first he would surf the web reading news and watching movies. However, they too became boring. This led him to internet pornography. The shot of dopamine his brain received gave him a thrill which helped get him through his day. However, Tom knew this only created more problems for him. As he became addicted to it, Tom spent less time working and more time watching porn. This affected his work performance. It also affected his relationship with his wife and kids. Instead of spending time with them, he chose to isolate himself with the internet. Thus, what initially seemed like a solution to his boredom and isolation only created a bigger problem for Tom.
For Tom, the real solution was making changes in his career, and his life, to relieve the boredom and isolation. He found a new job where he worked in an office every day with other people. There was also more room for advancement in his new job. While still in sales, he didn’t need to travel as much. At home, he made an intentional effort to spend more time with his wife and kids, and less time with technology. All of this eased his boredom and isolation and helped him to eliminate his pornography use.
If you are struggling with pornography use, consider how boredom and isolation might be driving you to the internet and pornography. By making small, and big, changes to your life, you can dramatically reduce your boredom and isolation. This can lead to a happier, more fulfilling life without porn.
By Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., SATP-C
Often people who are enslaved by pornography addiction only see the problems with their lives. They are trapped in a cycle of negativity and pessimism. They live with bitterness, resentment, and feel unworthy of receiving anything good in their lives, especially love. In Alcoholics Anonymous this is called “stinking thinking.” Overcoming this mindset is crucial for healthy recovery. To do this people in recovery need to live their lives with gratitude. Every day they need to take time to acknowledge all the ways they are blessed and be thankful for them. Keeping a gratitude list can help with this. Try taking a few minutes every day to write down the people, things, events and situations in your life for which you are grateful. Then, take a few minutes to read through your entire list and thank God for all your blessings.
Living a life of gratitude will help maintain your recovery because it will prevent you from falling back into stinking thinking. It will encourage you to continue working on healing any wounds that fueled your pornography addiction and to forgive those who hurt you. It will remind you daily of all the good people in your life who love and support you. You will learn to love and appreciate them more.
Creating a gratitude list was surprising for Larry. When he began his recovery, he didn’t think there was anything good in his life. All he could see what how he had ruined his life, his career and his marriage. He didn’t think anyone could love him, especially God. It was a little difficult at first to add items to his list. He began with basic things that he was grateful for like the fact that his wife hadn’t left him when he lost his job and when his addiction was discovered. As time went on and Larry progressed in recovery, he was able to see many more things for which he was grateful, such as the people in his support system. He was also grateful for the love and support of his wife and kids and the company that gave him a new job. Below is an example of some more of the things Larry placed on his list.
Larry’s Gratitude List
I am grateful for:
- My health
- My wife’s love and forgiveness
- My kids’ love
- My new job
- God’s love for me
- My education
- My home
- My support system: therapist, accountability partners, recovery group, spiritual director
- My faith
- My friends
Larry has made his gratitude list part of his recovery lifestyle. Every day, he adds to his list and it now covers several pages in his journal. During his prayer time, he reads part of his list and thanks God for all the blessings in his life. Living in gratitude has improved many of his relationships. He appreciates all the people in his life and they have reciprocated. Through this he has learned how to love and receive love. It has helped him experience true intimacy in many relationships.
Whether you struggle with pornography addiction or not, I recommend everyone keep a gratitude list. It will help you keep God at the center of your life by reminding you from whom all blessings flow!
- Pornography addiction is a guy thing
- Girls are not interested in visual porn
All human beings are hardwired with sexual desire, so both sexes can struggle with porn as well. Like other addictions, these struggles know no boundaries between chromosomes. We are all hardwired with the 3 “F’s” – Fight -Flee – Fornicate to insure our survival and the survival of the species. Therefore, all humans can become addicted to porn regardless of being male or female.
This addiction, while creating the same types of brain changes in both men and women (which are far worse with younger age exposure and addiction), may create an additional struggle for women. They feel like they are alone in this…” everyone knows guys look at pornography, but I’m a woman and can’t stop, something must be wrong with me.”
Thankfully, there are many well qualified studies out there that show, at least from a brain chemical and neuroscience level, the brains of both men and women respond the same to sexual stimulus. Basically, from a scientific standpoint, we get aroused the same way in our brain, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that women struggle too!
The Max Planck Institute has done some amazing work understanding the similarities in our brains as relates to pornography consumption and therefore, we need to understand as humans this is an issue anyone can struggle with. For example, did you know, a recent survey found that 1 in 3 women watch porn at least once a week?
The Institute also surmises that this number( and porn addiction is porn addiction regardless of the number gap between men and women), maybe more influenced by societal influences rather than anything happening in the brain.
For example, Professor Noori, from the Max Plank Institute, believes that it may have more to do with social factors, not biological ones:
“Female sexuality has quite a lot of stigma around it… Maybe the main reason is that for the woman there are secondary inhibitory effects that keep them away from expressing what they really feel… At least at this moment, our study indicates that men and women are not that much different.”
Could it be that women are not as comfortable with reporting their pornography usage as men, or is it the societal norms that keep them away from usage altogether?
We may never know, but we do know:
-pornography usage among women is increasing
-the effects and consequences are no different for men or women
-exposure is happening at earlier ages and increasing the risk of addiction
-women may feel more hesitant to get help, because “they shouldn’t have this problem”
The Bottom Line
Porn is a human issue, Male – Female, Young – Old….no one is immune.
The internet and technology (cellphones, tablets, laptops) has made pornography
Anonymous – Affordable (mostly free) – Accessible. We shouldn’t be surprised that data tells us that most every child will have seen hardcore violent pornography before the age of 18…every child, boy and girl.
So, what can be done?
First, everyone needs to realize that pornography usage is an addictive activity.
We need to stop looking at pornography addiction as a moral failing.
We must remember, even with our failings, we are the beloved son or daughter of a loving and merciful God.
Healing is possible!
Here at Integrity Restored, we recommend:
- An increase in the spiritual life and spiritual direction, including frequent reception of the sacraments
- Finding a qualified therapist or counselor who is open to the spiritual component
- Accountability, 12 step groups like SA, Celebrate Recovery or parish-based groups
To start your process, please visit integrityrestored.com and one of our private Facebook groups – Integrity Restored(men) or Integrity Restored(women) to share and hear from others battling the same struggle as you. Also, please visit https://www.catholicpsychotherapy.org/directory to look for a local therapist near you.
