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Getting Back to Normal Life After Porn

Chuck was doing well in his recovery. He had four months of healthy sobriety; however, he complained of being bored with life. Not much interested him.

He went to school and work everyday but found little enjoyment in it. He believed he might be depressed but didn’t know why. He thought that giving up porn would improve his life but saw little evidence of this.

What was happening to him?

What’s Happening on the Inside

When a person gives up porn, there are several internal changes that occur. First, there is a detox process. The brain has become accustomed, and even dependent on, operating at an extremely high level of neurochemical stimulation. In recovery the brain has to overcome its dependence on this high level of stimulation and get accustomed to operating at a normal level once again.  This can take several months.

During the detox process it’s not uncommon to experience some withdrawal symptoms. These can include depression, anxiety, insomnia, lethargy, difficulty with concentration, and even headaches and stomachaches. As uncomfortable as these symptoms may be, they are temporary. For those who persevere in recovery these symptoms will end and they can experience freedom from the compulsion to use pornography.

The key to success is to not struggle through this process alone. You need to have a team of people available to help you through it. This team includes accountability partners, support groups, sponsors therapists, clergy, and caring family and friends. You’d be surprised at who is eager to help you!

Looking for Excitement

Another challenge for the brain is getting used to normal everyday life again. The brain is always looking for new stimulation. This is why we often enjoy learning new things. It is also attracted to that which is novel. This is why we are attracted to watching certain “train wrecks” in life.

As gruesome as they may be, we can’t stop looking at them. Examples of these “train wrecks” include scandals among Hollywood celebrities, politicians, and professional athletes. Bruce Jenner is one public figure that comes to mind.

One of the problems with pornography is that it over-stimulates the brain. As stated above, the brain becomes accustomed to this extreme stimulation. When a person stops using porn, regular everyday activities, which used to be interesting, are now considered extremely boring. The brain is craving the hyper-stimulation it used to enjoy.

This is why Chuck could not find satisfaction in daily activities. Similar to the symptoms of the detox process, as the brain gets back to a normal level of neurochemical functioning, everyday activities will once again be interesting and enjoyable. You simply need to persevere in your recovery and with a good system of support and accountability.

Easing the Way

Going through this process need not be an unbearable struggle. There are things you can do to make it easier. First, as stated above, you need to have a strong system of support and accountability. This is needed for any successful recovery.  No one can succeed in recovery alone, nor should anyone have to endure recovery alone. The recovery process can actually be a time of incredible growth and creativity!

Here are some suggestions:

1. Get out and be with people. Take this time to renew old relationships and develop some new ones. Most people who have become addicted to pornography will admit it has stolen much time away from important relationships. Now is the time to get back into life with healthy relationships.

2. Rekindle old passions and develop new ones. We all have healthy interests we’re passionate about. They could be hobbies, goals, causes, etc.  Now is a great time to dive into them.  Whether it’s golf, cars, food, education, pro-life, or your Catholic faith your passions can be a great source of enjoyment and fulfillment in your life.

Everyone has certain passions in their life.  If you can’t think of any for your self, simply answer this question: Name one thing you could talk about all day long and not get tired? Whatever your answer to that question is, that is your passion.  If it’s healthy, feed that passion!

3. Rekindle your appreciation for true beauty. The problem with pornography is that it warps our view of beauty, and not just in women but also in the world around us. It leads us to only see beauty in the surgically and digitally enhanced images on a computer screen.

To recover from this, I recommend getting out into the world and developing a healthy appreciation for beauty.  Go to an art museum, listen to an orchestra, visit a public garden, read poetry. Get to appreciate all the beauty that God has created in the world.

In your relationships with women, learn to appreciate true beauty that is not based only on the physical, but also on character, personality, gifts, and talents, etc.

As you work through the detox process and you enrich your life with healthy relationships, passions and an appreciation for true beauty, you will find life once again enjoyable. While it may never be as exciting as viewing porn, it will definitely be more fulfilling!

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Overcoming Guilt and Shame in Recovery

Two primary factors that often keep people from seeking help for pornography addiction is guilt and shame. While they often act together, they are two very different emotions.

Guilt focuses on the behavior while shame focuses on the person. Both need to be resolved for a healthy recovery.

Guilt

Guilt is an emotion that focuses on actions. It is the emotion that says, “Okay, you’ve done something wrong and now you have to correct it, fix it or clean it up.”As uncomfortable as this emotion may be, it is actually very healthy. It requires a person to take responsibility for their actions and atone for them. To do this, one must embrace the virtues of honesty, humility, responsibility, courage, faith, hope and love.

Taking responsibility for one’s addiction and recovery can be very healing for individuals and for relationships. It shows that you understand how wrong your actions were and that you are taking positive steps to end your pornography use.

This resolves your guilt and can reunite you to loved ones. The same effect happens in our relationship with God. When we sin, it damages our relationship with God. Here is where God uses guilt to bring us back to him. To be reconciled with God, we must admit our sins, take responsibility for them, and confess them. In many cases our penance can be to make amends for our sins. By confessing your sexual sins and doing penance, you resolve your guilt and are reunited with God.

Addressing guilt is also an important part of the 12 steps of recovery. Steps 4 through 10 state we:

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

While it can be difficult to take responsibility for an addiction, doing so actually strengthens a person. It takes the addiction out of the darkness and brings it into the light. This can diminish much of its power over you. While some people may be hurt and angry with you for a while; most will forgive. In the end they will respect you for admitting your guilt and resolving it.

Guilt can help you address your addiction while still affirming your value as a person and as a child of God.

Shame

Shame is the emotion that focuses on the person. It is the emotion that says, “You did something wrong and because of it you are a bad person. You need to hide so that no one will ever know how bad you really are.” This is not of God.

Ultimately, this is a tool of Satan to keep a person trapped in his addiction. It fuels the five faulty core beliefs by which many addicted people live:

1. I’m unworthy of being loved

2. If people really knew me, they would reject me

3. I can’t count on anyone, including God, to meet my needs

4. I must find something that I can control that will meet my needs

5. Pornography/sex is my greatest need and source of comfort.

Shame can result from sinful acts you’ve committed, such as viewing pornography. It can also develop out of sinful acts committed against you. For example, a person who was abused as a child might feel responsible for it and develop a deep sense of shame as a result. Both sources of shame can lead a person into addiction.

Regardless of where your shame came from, it’s important to know that your worth as a person is not determined by your actions or the actions of others.

When God created you he instilled in you an infinite worth that no one can diminish. It doesn’t matter what kinds of sexual sins you’ve committed or how often you’ve committed them, you are still a good person. There is no need to hide. God still loves you. He is always ready to take you back and cleanse you from your sin.

As you take responsibility for your addiction, you will find many other people who still love you regardless of what you’ve done. Letting go of shame can be very difficult or many addicted people. If shame is a major stumbling block for you, I recommend you consult with a therapist and/or a priest. They can help you let go of your shame and bring your addiction out into the light so you can overcome it!

Embracing Your True Identity

It’s important for all people who are addicted to pornography to understand that you are not defined by your addiction. Guilt and shame are proof of that! Guilt focuses on the action, not the person.

By addressing your guilt and making amends you actually strengthen your ability to recover from your addiction. Others will also respect you for your work in recovery. Shame is not of God and thus does not define who you are.

Thus, not matter what your addiction has lead you to do, God still sees you as his beloved child. This is how you also need to view your self!

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The Three Tiers Of Recovery

People often ask me for a broad overview of the recovery process. I view recovery as a three tiered process: Sobriety, Inner Healing, and Transformation.

Sobriety

Being sober means no longer using the substance to which you were addicted—pornography. Many people rate their success by the number of days, weeks, months or years of sobriety. Your sobriety date is the last day you acted out. Having a long period of sobriety can be a great encouragement to anyone in recovery. The first goal of recovery is to establish a solid period of sobriety. This can take one to three months. This encompasses points one, two and three of the Integrity Restored Recovery Program: Self-knowledge and Commitment, Purifying Your Life, and Support and Accountability.

Inner Healing

This pertains to identifying and resolving the root causes of an addiction.You will learn there are many painful emotional issues that can lead a person to self-medicate with pornography.

They are often the result of childhood traumas. Unless these issues are identified and resolved, sobriety tends to be “white-knuckle.” Thus, a person can be sober but not in recovery. By identifying and resolving the root causes of the addiction, sustained sobriety is much easier. Inner healing also includes restoring relationships that have been damaged due to the addiction. These include marriage and families. For most married men, marital therapy is needed to heal the betrayal trauma caused by their use of pornography.

This encompasses points three, four and five: Support and Accountability, Counseling, and a Spiritual Plan.

Transformation

This is the ultimate goal of your program. While God wants to help you with your sobriety and recovery, his ultimate goal is to transform you into a new creation. He wants to heal you and help you become the person you were created to be. This is what makes recovery and life exciting for most addicts. They are able to see God actively working in their lives and are more easily able to discern His will. They are able to claim their true identity as children of God. Marriages are healed and relationships are restored. Many men and women are even grateful that their worlds came crashing down because of their addiction. They realized their lives and relationships were never healthy to begin with. Now they have the opportunity create healthier lives and relationships. This encompasses points five, six and seven: a Spiritual Plan, Education, and Virtue.

By understanding the three tiers of recovery and working all seven points of the recovery program, a person can overcome his addiction, restore relationships, and become the person God created him to be!

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Why 12-Step Groups Are Still A Good Idea

Twelve-step recovery groups have long been proven effective in helping addicts in recovery. However there are some who are reluctant to make these

groups part of their recovery program.

Here are five common objections and reasons to overcome them:

1. Fear

The most difficult part of any recovery program is attending your first 12-step meeting. There is the fear that others will find out about your addiction. Fortunately, the confidentiality of a 12-step group is as strong as the seal of confession. Nobody talks. There is also the fear of meeting someone you know at the meeting. While rare, this can be very awkward. However, it can also be a blessing because now you will have an ally in recovery. You can be accountability partners for each other.

2. Pride

Some people believe they can overcome their addiction without the help of a group. This approach to recovery is rarely successful. You need to surround yourself with other people who understand your addiction. They can support you in your recovery and keep you accountable. You will do the same for them in return. It’s this teamwork helps make recovery successful.

3. Shame

Another benefit of the group is that it helps people let go of shame. For many, the 12-step group is the first place where they have ever truly experienced true unconditional love and acceptance. Here is a group of people who will know your deepest, darkest secret and still love and accept you.

4. Skepticism

There are those who believe that 12-step groups don’t work. This is often due to their own experiences in groups of from stories they’ve heard. I have found that groups don’t work for people who are not totally committed to recovery and/or attending the 12-step group is all they are doing for their recovery. A 12-step group is only one component of recovery. A comprehensive recovery program must include counseling, education, spirituality and virtue, along with 12-step group attendance.

5. The 12-step groups are not Catholic

Although most recovery groups don’t subscribe to any particular religion, they do acknowledge the need for God in recovery. In addition, the 12-steps are based on Catholic beliefs and values. The first three steps are about surrendering to God and trusting him with your life:

1. We admitted that we were powerless over lust—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

The next six steps are about taking responsibility for one’s life, making amends, and living a virtuous Christian life:

4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our selves (This is similar the Catholic examination of conscience).

5. We admitted to God, to our selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs (this is done in confession, in the group and with loved ones).

6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. The last three steps focus on continued growth in recovery and as a strong

Christian. A key part of this is helping others who are struggling with addiction.

10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to sexaholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Twelve-step groups have been around for over 80 years, since the founding of Alcoholics Anonymous. They have been proven effective for those who are committed to working the steps as part of a comprehensive recovery program. When combined with Catholic spirituality, they are even more effective.

In working the steps, one can incorporate the sacraments, scripture and daily prayer. Working the steps can also improve one’s relationship with God and other people. They are truly wisdom for living!

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