Blog

For most of my life, I have had a strange relationship with my body.

I used to hate her and tried to destroy her by drinking alcohol, doing drugs, and binge eating. I used to use her, trading her as  currency to anyone who dated me, hoping to get love in exchange for sex.

I certainly didn’t see my body as beautiful and I never expected anyone else to. I knew I didn’t look like the women on TV or in magazines. I knew I could never compete with them; I could never be sexy. I thought the only way to find love and happiness was to give a man sex. If my body couldn’t turn him on, porn would.

Beginnings

My husband and I started watching porn early in our relationship. My childhood was riddled with sexual abuse and so I was very self conscious about my body. I was convinced that while my husband may have said he loved me, he couldn’t have possibly been attracted to me.

Encouraging my husband to watch porn seemed like a way in which I could turn him on without risking rejection.

It was a way I could control our sex life and feel safe while allowing myself to  be vulnerable. My husband had watched porn for years before meeting me and he seemed happy to continue. He was thrilled to have such an enlightened wife who wouldn’t make him feel ashamed for indulging in it.

Out of Control

What happens when you allow the demon of porn into your marriage? When you give it your blessing? It takes over. Porn became all my husband could ever think about. I constantly had to find new ways to keep his interest: new genres of pornographic films, new magazines, new fantasies.

Eventually, I made the decision to turn porn into real life and I sought out new partners for my husband. Every boundary crossed led me further into self-hatred. I hated my body, my life, and even my husband.

Conversion

Eventually the tail spin stopped. I finally hit bottom. With the help of counseling and a 12-step program, I started working on my childhood issues and I began the process of healing. I also came back to the faith of my childhood and the Catholic Church embraced me and all my brokenness. For the first time in my life I ended the war on my body and started the long process of making amends to her for the years of hell she went through.

Eventually, with the intervention of the Holy Spirit, my husband also broke free from the grips of lust. We began attending marriage counseling and re-committed ourselves to each other and to having a chaste marriage.

We survived.

While watching porn may seem commonplace now, I think most people have no idea of how truly soul-crushing the demon of porn can be. It enters silently into your life and quietly enslaves you, making you do shameful things. It causes you to hurt yourself and your loved ones. It’s not sexy or empowering and it does not belong in a marriage. I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

Join an Online Support Group

If you are a woman who struggles with pornography and are looking for an supportive online group, you can join our women’s group on Facebook here.

If you’re the spouse of a man who looks at pornography and are looking for a supportive online group, join this Facebook group.