Tag Archive for: trauma

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Hitting the Restart Button on Your Brain

By Fr. Sean Kilcawley, STL

I have always loved technology.  When I was a cadet at West Point, we all had to pick an engineering track, and I chose computer science.  So I was one of the first of my peers to get a smartphone and among the first to learn to jailbreak it.  I bought a 2 in 1 Lenovo Yoga as soon as it was released.  My newest computer is a Microsoft Surface Book, which I love.  The detachable screen is more functional than my Yoga was in tablet mode, I like the functionality of being able to write on the screen with a pen, and with the base attached it is a powerful laptop.  The only thing is, the touch screen goes dead if I haven’t restarted for a while.

Although I love keeping up with new technology, I don’t know exactly why this happens.  My best educated guess is that there are too many processes running in the background and the system gets overloaded.  It becomes unresponsive and slow.  However, as soon as I restart it, everything is up and running again.  As I continue to work with porn addicts and learn more about counseling interventions, I am realizing that our brains are a lot like my Surface Book.  We consume so much information each day that we get overloaded.  We don’t stop to fully experience the range of emotions we have each day.  While we might not pay attention to them, they are still “running in the background.”  When our system gets overloaded, we stop responding properly.  Unprocessed anger, grief, rejection, fear, or anxiety can lead to a relapse before we realize that we were feeling those emotions in the first place.  But, is there a restart button for our brain?

Many of my therapist friends recommend mindful meditation to their clients.  You can find several videos on this technique on Youtube.  Sometimes, mindfulness comes across as hokey, weird, or uncomfortably close to New Age and Eastern religious traditions.  For good reason, we Catholics tend to stay away from anything like that.  However, I would frame this practice as “preparing your mind for prayer”, or “cultivating interior silence.”  The spiritual tradition of the Church has always promoted the necessity of silence, especially in Religious Life.  In the seminary, we observed “grand silence” each evening after night prayer.  Silence allows us to quiet our brain in order to make space for Christ.  It clears out the processes, conversations, and emotions running in the background so that we can be more focused on the present moment.  I recommend that you spend 5-10 minutes cultivating this interior silence each day.

What it looks like:

The goal is to spend 5-10 minutes per day thinking about nothing.  When you go to prayer, sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and focus your attention on your breathing.  You might notice your breath go in and out of your nose, you might pay attention to your diaphragm as it moves in and out, or the rise and fall of your chest.  When thoughts come to mind, or you start replaying conversations in your head, simply notice those thoughts, acknowledge them, and turn your attention back to your breathing.  Focus on the darkness as your eyes are closed and on your breathing.  After some time passes you should feel more calm, relaxed, and clear.

Now, you’re ready to invite Jesus into the silence.  Jesus, you are welcome into my thoughts right now.  Relate to Him the desires of your heart.  Talk to Him about what is going on in your life, and give Him the opportunity to respond to you.  Then you might begin whatever formal prayer disciplines you have taken on (rosary, divine office, etc.).  Most of the spiritual directees that I work with have found that their prayer is more efficacious if the spend the first 5-10 minutes cultivating interior silence.

Cultivating this interior silence is like hitting the restart button on your brain.  It only takes 5 to 10 minutes to refocus on the present moment.  It will help you to pay attention to the movements of your heart and to respond to the emotions you are feeling in a healthy way.  Interior silence will help prevent relapses because it will clear out all the negative emotions, worries, anxieties, and stresses that are running in the background.  For a quick reminder of how this process works, see the video.

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Why Confession Isn’t Helping Your Porn Problem – Part 2

In my previous post I wrote about distinctions in addiction patterns, specifically addressing biological, psychological, and trauma-based addiction.  One reason you or someone you are helping might be “stuck in the confessional” is that there is a psychological wound or trauma that needs to be addressed by a trained therapist.  Another reason people get “stuck in the confessional is that going to confession and receiving absolution has, in fact, become part of their acting out ritual.

When a behavior is compulsive, there is a pattern of out of control behavior that occurs over time.  A typical ritual involves the following:

Recognizing Rituals

Vulnerable time.  This is simply a time period or circumstances in which a person is more likely to give in to sexually acting out.  It could be the anniversary date of a traumatic event like the death of a parent, or some other kind of trauma.  It could also be when someone has not had enough sleep.  HALT and BLASTED are two acronyms used to identify vulnerable times (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, or Bored, Lonely, Agitated, Stressed, Tired).  The vulnerable time makes a person more likely to be affected by triggers.

Trigger.  A trigger is an event, situation, or interaction that has been habitually paired with sexually acting out.  Being alone with unmonitored internet access, a difficult interaction with a supervisor or a girl in an internet ad can all be triggers for different people.

Emotional response.  After the trigger there can be an emotional pull toward acting out, and physiological arousal may begin

Thought. Then the person might start thinking about acting out.  They also might start thinking about not acting out, “I hope I don’t act out!”

Chemical dump.  Next comes the flood of chemicals that get the brain ready and focused for sexual behaviors.  Dopamine is released in anticipation of acting out.  Dopamine actually helps the brain to focus on one thing.  At this point it is very hard to break the pattern

Second thought.  This would typically be something like “Well I guess I can start again tomorrow, this will be the last time, I kind of deserve this” etc.

Behavior

Remorse.  Now the person feels great guilt, shame, and remorse

For a deeper look into Recognizing Rituals, watch this video.

Typical Ritual

Typically this plays out according to the following narrative:

Bob gets home after a long day.  He didn’t schedule any activities for the evening because he wasn’t sure exactly who he would want to hang out with or what he would want to do.  Now he has the entire evening ahead of him but no one to spend it with so he feels a bit lonely.  In response to his loneliness, he checks Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and a couple of different email accounts.  Each time he discovers that no one has reached out to him or messaged him.  Some of his buddies have posted a picture of themselves at a bar, but they didn’t invite Bob.  Now he feels lonely and rejected.  So he rechecks his social media accounts just to be sure that he didn’t miss anything really amazing in the past 45 seconds (ironic sarcasm intended).  This time there is a trigger.  A girl from his high school posted pictures of herself at the beach.  She has friends too.  So he checks out the profile of her friend.  Then he sees that his friend’s friend also has a pretty friend.  Soon Bob is mindlessly scrolling through a friend of a friend of a friend’s bikini pictures on social media.  After a while this gets old so he checks out YouTube.

At this stage Bob knows that he doesn’t want to go to a pornography site.  So he sticks to YouTube and starts watching steamy scenes from movies that he remembers from the past.  Then he moves on to the 10 most inappropriate commercials of 2017.  He thinks to himself “At least I’m not looking at porn.”  Then the chemical dump comes.  Bob continues watching inappropriate videos on YouTube and after about 5 more minutes, he thinks “I might as well be looking at porn.  I think I crossed the threshold of sin a few minutes ago.”  Then he asks this question:

CAN I GET TO CONFESSION? 

Asking this question is part of the ritual.  If the answer is yes, then he will go on to the next step.  He acts out with porn/masturbation.  Then he thinks, “I fell once so I might as well keep going until I can go to confession since I’m already in a state of mortal sin.”  There is more behavior, accompanied by lots of negative and shameful self-talk.  Until he gets to confession.

Bob goes to confession which is actually the end of the ritual process for him.  He resolves to never act out again.  7-10 days later he’s feeling vulnerable…….

The main lesson here is that for Bob and many others, going to confession has become blended with the acting out ritual.  From the addict’s point of view, it isn’t the thing that pulls him out of the ritual but it is the final step in the ritual.  Some young people even report that they “never feel loved except when going to confession after sexually acting out.”  Another piece of anecdotal evidence for this link is that when addicts get sober, they don’t go to confession.  The only time they have ever gone to confession in the past is when there was a sexual sin to confess, and oftentimes the only reason they went to confession was to be sure that they would be able to receive communion on Sunday.  The primary reason that they wanted to receive communion on Sunday was so that a parent, wife, or girlfriend would not notice them absenting themselves from communion—which would draw suspicion about why they didn’t receive.

Breaking the Pattern

So another reason confession may not be helping is that it’s part of the ritual.  We need to get the Ritual out of the ritual.  We need to do something different.  If you or a person you are working with identify with this cycle here are a couple of things you can do:

Non-sacramental confession.  Find a priest, mentor, parent, 12 step fellowship sponsor, or good friend to talk to about your struggle with pornography and masturbation.  Eventually, you will tell your story in its entirety and this will help you to be more honest with yourself and others.

Get the Ritual out of your ritual.  Go to confession weekly for a while.  There are many graces obtained there.  You also need to learn to experience the sacrament of reconciliation outside of the context of confessing sexual sins.

Make phone calls during your vulnerable time.  When I was young and we were bored or wondering what our friends were doing, we made phone calls (it was the best we had).  But we always found someone to talk to which immediately answered our feelings of loneliness.  Checking social media when you are lonely oftentimes leads to further feelings of rejection when someone realized that “no one has messaged me, tagged me, or liked my posts.”   This perception of rejection will only reinforce the addiction ritual.  Phone calls will break it.

The big three:  Successful people do three things.  Find a good spiritual director, Find a good counselor, and find a good group.  People who do all three have the most success.  If you want to get “unstuck”, beef up your plan.

For more information on rituals consult Dr. Kevin Skinner’s book Treating Pornography Addiction.

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Why Confession Isn’t Helping Your Porn Problem – Part 1

About a year ago, a priest approached me at a conference and made the following observation.  “My students today seem different than they were a few years ago.  It used to be that when someone was struggling with pornography and masturbation, I could recommend filters and a more structured prayer life and that would take care of it.  Today that advice doesn’t seem to be working as well.”  This observation is not an isolated one.  More and more priests are looking for resources to help their students in the confessional.  Blog posts are appearing calling on both traditional and non-traditional techniques for breaking free from pornography; Even Cosmopolitan magazine published a recent article on pornography as a public health crisis.  In this post, I will try to shed some light on why things are different and give some concrete steps to move toward freedom.

WHY YOU CAN’T TEACH YOUNG DOGS OLD TRICKS

With regard to the observation that young people today seem different, that is true.  They are.  On your typical college campus the freshmen were exposed to pornography between 8-10 years old.  The pornography they were exposed to is hard-core, high definition video.  The sex acts they are exposed to are more violent than what we were exposed to when I graduated high school in 1992.  It can be the case that a college freshman has been watching hardcore pornography regularly for 10 years before he arrives on campus.  So, at a minimum, he or she is more escalated in the kinds of pornography he is watching.  Escalation means that due to tolerance to the chemicals released in the brain through pornography and masturbation it now takes more pornography, or more intense pornography to achieve the same effect.  The cycle of escalation might start with still nude photos, then videos, “romantic” pornography, group sex, violent pornography, gay pornography, bestiality, etc.  One way to find out if escalation has taken place is to ask the question, “Do you watch pornography now that you once thought to be repulsive?”

Tolerance is one indicator that addiction is present.  Other indicators would be: repeated attempts to stop the behavior without success, negligence of duties or relationships due to the behavior, loss of relationships or a job due to the behavior, significant loss of time, obsessing about the behavior, continuing the behavior despite consequences, experiencing withdrawal symptoms when the behavior ceases (insomnia, irritability, mood swings, pain in the genital area, painful urination can all be withdrawal symptoms.  Having three of these indicators could mean that a person has developed an addiction.  If you or someone you are helping would like to take a more detailed assessment, I recommend you take the Sexual Addiction Screening Test at the following web address: https://www.recoveryzone.com/tests/sex-addiction/SAST/index.php

3 kinds of addicts

Doug Weiss, Ph.D. identifies six types of addicts, here I will focus on three.  The biological addict is the person who grew up in a relatively stable home, had good relationships, no trauma.  They discovered pornography and developed a vicious habit.  This kind of addict was more prevalent when I was growing up.  Someone discovers pornography and masturbation in their teen years, the habit gets ingrained over time, and may or may not develop into a full-fledged addiction.  This is the kind of person that can fight vice with virtue.  Filters and a more structured spiritual life oftentimes pull the person out of this.  This is the person that the priest in my opening paragraph was able to help relatively easily years ago.

The second addict is psychological.  He or she uses pornography in order to avoid emotions.  Sometimes it is used specifically to alter a mood, or to not feel anything at all by “numbing out.”  This person may be triggered not only be sexually explicit materials but also by feeling unaffirmed, experiencing a fight between his/her parents, or even by everything seeming relatively ok.  In addition to behavior change interventions, this person will most likely also need counseling in order to address the psychological difficulties that drive the addiction process.

The third addict is the trauma-based addiction.  This person uses porn as a way of re-enacting trauma that they have experienced.  The girl who watches violent porn may do so because she has been the victim of sexual violence in her past.  The different scenario genres available on pornographic websites is an indicator that more and more people may be looking to re-enact or address past traumatic events (babysitter, step-mom, step-sibling, teacher-student, etc.).  If there is past trauma or any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse the person will likely not find freedom unless he/she seeks counseling from a trained professional who is experienced in working with sexual addiction/sexual trauma.

Given these distinctions, it makes sense that our traditional strategies for addressing purity/sexual sin do not seem to be working anymore.  According to Weiss, less than 15% of addicts are merely biological ones.  More and more of our young people are growing up in difficult family situations, and more and more of them have some kind of trauma before leaving high school.  Peer to Peer sexual abuse is becoming more common as young people are acting out what they see on the internet.  Some professionals also believe that exposure to hardcore pornography at a young age (on average before the onset of puberty) is also a form of sexual trauma.

If you or someone you are trying to help seems to be “stuck in the confessional” it may be because addiction is present.  If that is the case, it is highly recommended that in addition to the spiritual tools you are employing, you seek professional help.  To find a counselor in your area check out THIS ARTICLE.

TO LEARN MORE ABOUT DR DOUG WEISS AND HIS “TYPES OF ADDICTS” CLICK HERE. YOU CAN ALSO FIND A LINK to buy his book: The Final Freedom.

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Divorce Trauma and Pornography Addiction

When Chris came to me for help for his pornography addiction he sincerely wanted to uncover and resolve the root causes of his addiction.

He had read stories about people addicted to pornography and sex who as children had been abused, neglected, or were raised by alcoholics. Because he had experienced none of these traumas in his life he couldn’t figure out how he had become addicted to porn. To Chris, he lived a normal healthy life as a child.

Divorce is Traumatic for Children

In discussing Chris’s family background, it was discovered that his was far from a normal healthy childhood. As a young child, life was happy for Chris. He remembered good times with his parents and two siblings. Then when he was eleven ,his parents started arguing more. Some nights his father wouldn’t even come home.

His father claimed he simply had to “work late.” But Chris felt there were bigger problems. Finally when he was twelve Chris’s parents told him that they were separating. They tried to explain how it would be better for the family because there would be less arguing, but Chris didn’t believe them. For him this was devastating news.

Because so many of Chris’s friends came from divorced homes he felt he simply had to accept his situation and make the best of it. His father moved out and within a year Chris’s parents were divorced. He saw his father on Wednesday evenings and every other weekend. Deep down Chris ached over the loss of his father. He felt deeply betrayed by his parents and abandoned by his father.

Unfortunately, he felt he had no one to talk to. He believed he simply had to accept this new life. At the same time he began to view pornography more regularly. He had his own iPhone and tablet, which were not monitored. He would often come home to an empty house in the afternoon, go up to his room, and spend hours lost in porn. It was his ultimate escape.

Soon it would consume his life making it extremely difficult for him to succeed in school or to have healthy relationships. Chris’s story is similar to many I’ve heard. Because divorce is so prevalent in our culture, little is said about the effects it has on children. The fact is that divorce is devastating for kids. It’s traumatic. They lose their intact family. Often it’s dad who moves out so they lose their sense of safety in the home. Without a dad there is no one to guide boys into becoming virtuous young men. There is no one to affirm young girls in their true beauty and dignity.

Books such as The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (Wallerstein, 2001) and Between Two Worlds (Marquardt, 2006) provide well-documented evidence of the damage that divorce does to children.

Self-Medicating

Like Chris, many kids from divorced families have nowhere to turn to work through the pain of their parents’ divorce. Few ever get any counseling. They also tend to spend more time alone, which can lead them to spend hours surfing the net.

This can ultimately lead them to self-medicate their pain with pornography. This is not just a problem for boys and young men. Girls and young women also struggle from divorce trauma and can turn to pornography for comfort.

This early and excessive exposure to pornography not only leads them into addiction, it also leads them to be more sexually promiscuous. In their loneliness they turn to each other for comfort in sexual ways.

It’s important for parents to understand how divorce can affect their kids and the long-term consequences. It’s true that divorce is better for kids from high stress marriages where there is a lot of fighting and even abuse. However, two thirds of divorces are not from high stress marriages. Such couples should work on healing and restoring their marriages. In the long-run they and their children will be happier and healthier.

Healing is Possible

For those of you whose parents divorced when you were a child or teen, you know the pain of a family breakup. If you turned to pornography to self-medicate, don’t lose heart. Healing and recovery are possible. With professional help you can recover from the wounds that led you to self-medicate with porn. By healing those wounds you eliminate the need to self-medicate.

This will not only help you live life free of porn, you will also be able to have healthier, more fulfilling relationships. God is also there to help you through the healing process. By developing a devotion to the holy family, the Blessed Mother, St. Joseph and Jesus can help heal deep wounds. Even though your earthly family may have broken up, your heavenly family has always been there for you as a safe refuge.

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