Tag Archive for: wives

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Gia’s Story: Why We’re Here

I fell in love with my now ex-husband during my favorite season: the time between Halloween and Thanksgiving. We shared our friends and family at holiday gatherings, taking turns introducing each other with pride. It was a deeply bonding experience to watch the other represent our partnership to new people. At night, we twinkled over bonfires and sang love songs by the record player. We were young, attractive and successful. Behind his pinstripe suit and ring of business associates was a man with family values and a great sense of humor. He proposed, and we started trying for a baby the following year. I filled my days with yoga and decorating. I found my flow in married life quickly and soon enrolled in online college courses, started a fiction piece and resumed chasing my dreams, all while continuing to fulfill my “wifely duties.”

My then-husband, Sam*, had a 45-minute commute each way to and from his office in downtown Atlanta. Early on, he would be home by seven at the latest, never too late to share a meal. Atlanta is notoriously bad for traffic, so when he started “waiting it out” at his local crawl, I didn’t think twice about it. After a while, I realized we hadn’t had dinner together on a weeknight in almost a month. I wanted to trust him, but all the time alone at home went to my head. With no one around to talk me out of it, I installed spyware on his cell phone. (I do NOT suggest this as it is illegal in some cases, and massive breach of trust in almost all). I was relieved to discover he was not cheating on me. However, during his lunch break, the GPS feature showed Sam in the parking garage. During this time (for about an hour, sometimes up to two), the browser log listed pornography sites. Almost all the URLs listed included the word “transsexual.” My heart plummeted, and a chasm opened up between us where our intense sexual bond existed only seconds before. I felt the swelling expanse of doubt for our history together and the future to come. I read the evidence over and over to the point of obsession before something inside me snapped.

Every person is different, male and female, as is each relationship. I believe the spiral of hatred and disgust down which I was falling ceased only due to my mind, body and spirit’s last resort when faced with such a trauma: a complete numbness.

We pursued counseling, made extra strides in our sex life and put on brave faces for our families. Sam’s sexual advances increased in frequency and aggression. I retracted into my work. Nights turned to mornings like a waning tide. Two months later, we separated.  I moved to the most beautiful beach I could find. I was in my mid 20’s, running circles around a deep emotional wound I wasn’t ready to face. That numbness continued for a long time, even when I thought the most beautiful beach would save me.

Since that day, I have sought, received and witnessed healing in many forms. I am able to feel again and most importantly, experience hope. Each day still brings new challenge, lessons and restored faith in my path. I was introduced to Integrity Restored and knew almost immediately that I wanted to help. Here, in this place, I will share the hope and healing I’ve found in my own modern life, and invite you to do the same. While my story may not be the same as yours, betrayal, loss of trust, and journey in recovery put us all on the same team.

I still believe in love. I take life and its people as they come. It would be nearly impossible to find a man or woman on this earth who hasn’t struggled with trust issues, addiction or trauma. There is no magic pill or dotted line that can secure freedom from forces like temptation and doubt. Let us explore a healing path on this journey to recovery together.

With hope and love,

Gia

*Names have been changed.

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Wives: When it Feels Like Your World is Falling Apart

When Karen discovered her husband’s pornography addiction, her world seemed to fall apart.

She felt deeply hurt and betrayed. Suddenly the man she had been married to for fifteen years was a total stranger to her. She felt she could never trust him again. She did not feel safe with him. She moved into another bedroom and wouldn’t allow her husband to touch her.

Emotionally, Karen cycled through many painful emotions: anger, sadness, fear, shame, embarrassment, etc. She sought professional help because she couldn’t understand what she was going through and it scared her. What Karen was experiencing was trauma.

Understanding Trauma

A person experiences trauma when they encounter a dangerous situation where they have no control. Their ability to feel safe has been shattered and they will go to great lengths to regain that control – even if those lengths are unhealthy. Barbara Steffans and Marsha Means in their book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse list four general symptoms of trauma related to sexual addiction.

Note that there is much overlap among the symptoms:

1. Avoidance

Here the traumatized wife will avoid activities or other reminders of the traumatic event.  Some wives may choose to look at porn with their husbands to avoid conflict and hoping that he will turn to her for sex. Others will avoid sex altogether.  Still others will numb their feelings or deny the situation. They will detach from their husbands emotionally.

2. Re-experiencing

Recurrent and intrusive thoughts and memories of the traumatic event that cannot be controlled. A wife may be plagued with constant thoughts about what her husband has done. These thoughts can consume a person’s energy and intensifies the anxiety.

3. Avoidance and Arousal

A wife may ignore her “intuition” or new evidence that her husband is acting out again. On the other hand, she may become hyper vigilant in trying to control her environment. She may try to control when her husband uses the computer, how long and what websites can be accessed.

4. Arousal

This is intense emotional pain. This can include feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, and shame. Some women have panic attacks and/or uncontrollable crying. She may wonder what she did wrong to cause her partner to turn to pornography.  The shame and embarrassment may keep her from telling others about her situation. She might try to control every aspect of her husband’s life to prevent being hurt again.

These behaviors are meant to protect the wife from being hurt any further. The goal is to ensure safety.  While Karen experienced all four reactions to trauma, Re-experiencing, Avoidance and Arousal, and Arousal were the strongest. She would have “flashbacks” of when she discovered her husband’s pornography addiction and the weak excuses he provided. She would also try to control him by limiting his access to the Internet and would scour their credit card statements and phone bills to identify any additional pornography use. This left her feeling deeply depressed and anxious. Karen realized what she was doing was not helping her recover.

She felt as if she were going crazy.

Treating Trauma

In therapy, Karen learned that her reactions were normal. She also agreed they were not healthy. Through individual and marital therapy, Karen was able to find healing for her trauma. By understanding pornography addiction as a disease and not simply a moral failing, Karen could begin to forgive her husband. In their marital sessions they discussed his painful childhood and how he had used porn to self-medicate deep emotional wounds.

Her husband took full responsibility for his addiction and actively participated in his recovery program. He was totally honest and transparent with Karen. All of this helped her rebuild trust in her husband and heal their marriage. Joining a women’s support group helped her realize she was not alone. This fortified her recovery process.

Seeing how his pornography use affected Karen strengthened her husband’s resolve to recover from his addiction and restore their marriage. He never wanted to hurt her so deeply, and he was determined to never do it again.

Hope for Wives

If you are struggling with trauma because of your husband’s pornography use, there is hope for healing. With professional help and God’s healing power, you can recover from the trauma. You can restore your life and your marriage. God won’t leave you alone in this process. He will walk with you every step of the way guiding you to the people and the resources that can help you!

A Word to Husbands

While society portrays pornography use as a “victimless crime,” husbands need to realize the truth about it. There are many victims of pornography use. Wives are prime victims. As you can see above, your pornography use can be extremely traumatizing for your wife. God calls men to be strong leaders, providers and protectors. You need to protect your wife from anything that could harm her. This includes your pornography use. By making the commitment to never view pornography, you are protecting your wife from severe harm.

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Image via Flickr, CC 2.0, Logo added.

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