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I’m writing this article as a plea to parents to protect your daughters (as well as your sons) from the harms of pornography.

The first time I was exposed to pornography, I was only a 9-year-old girl. I didn’t have to look for it—rather, it found me. I was playing a game on a children’s website, but before I knew it, I found myself on another page of the same website (remember, this is a website geared towards children) filled with pornographic material. I never asked to see this, but I couldn’t forget what I had seen either. As time went on, I began to seek this material out on my own, and, despite filters on the computers, my parents never knew a thing. This quickly spiraled into what I experienced to be an addiction that went on for 8 years of my life.

Unfortunately, with pornography so easily accessible, and children targeted by the pornography industry as new consumers, more and more young women are falling into the trap of pornography. Research shows that half of women are first exposed to pornography by age 14, and that 1 out of every 5 women seek out pornography at least every week.

There is a common thread that runs between me and my other girl friends who have likewise struggled with pornography: most of us came from Catholic homes which did not tolerate pornography use. Our brothers were sat down and talked to about pornography, but for us girls? Nothing.

The house I lived in growing up was small enough where you could eavesdrop on almost any conversation. I heard the conversations my dad would have with my brother to protect him from pornography. I could tell you several reasons why pornography was wrong. However, with pornography so easily accessible to me and without any real understanding of sexuality, I scoffed at those reasons and succumbed to temptation time after time.

It wasn’t until years later that I had a conversion and was deepening in my relationship with Christ that I began to turn away from sins like pornography. By that point, though, I had incurred 8 years of wounds and scars from pornography use, and I still find myself dealing with the aftermath.

So, how can you protect your daughters from going through that same turmoil? There’s no easy answer, but I will share 3 things that, looking back, I wish my own parents would have done which I think would have made a huge difference.

1) Create a healthy atmosphere to talk about the meaning of sexuality

There are 3 approaches I have seen parents take when it comes to teaching their children to lead pure lives: Fear, Silence, and Affirmation. Here’s how I envision these 3 strategies if they were an exchange between a parent and their teenage daughter. Picture the words of the teenager with all the sass and eye-rolling attitude you know you’re in for if you have daughters.

Fear

Parent: “Let’s create an atmosphere of shame around sex so that our kids won’t dare go near it until they are married.”

Teenager: “Yeah right! If pornography/masturbation bring me so much pleasure in the moment, then I’m not listening to what my dumb parents say!”

Silence

Parent: “If we don’t teach our kids about sex, maybe their sexual desire will never awaken, and we won’t have to worry about anything!”

Teenager: “WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING TO ME?!? My parents obviously wouldn’t understand ANY of this, but my friends seem to know a whole lot… and the internet knows even more…”

Affirmation

Parent: “Let’s teach our kids from when they are young to properly understand their bodies, and the gift of their sexuality, and the great value of every human person, so that they can integrate their sexuality in a healthy way as they grow older.”

Teenager: “Okay, it’s still not easy, and I’ll NEVER tell my parents this out loud, but I’m thankful that they’re actually pretty chill about this whole thing. Plus, seeing their example makes me really want to strive to prepare myself to be a gift to my spouse one day.”

So, how can you avoid the fear and silence strategies which are typically bound to fail? Check out Jason Evert & Chris Stefanick’s awesome book Raising Pure Teens.

2) Don’t trust technology

If you take away 1 thing from this article, I hope it’s this. Parents, I am begging you here—do NOT trust the technology your children have access to.

My parents did the best they could in setting filters on our computer, but in my experience, it was painfully easy to find a way around that. Plus, being trusted with a computer in my bedroom was pretty disastrous (Note: The filters they used are pretty weak compared to Covenant Eyes, which does a much better job of monitoring computer use).

Even more disastrous was when I was in 7th grade, I got a cell phone with internet. In the words of Matt Fradd, “if you just bought your child a smartphone or iPod for Christmas and you haven’t locked it down, you just bought him/her a portable x-rated movie theatre.” Yup. With the computer, I could get away with some things, but with my cell phone, I could get away with anything. There was nothing that built up my addiction to pornography as much as my cell phone.

While I begged my parents for the smart phone at the time, I now wish that I had never had a phone with the internet on it. I got my phone when these internet-savvy phones were new, and I genuinely fear now for the way that smart phones have become the norm for so many young people. So parents, for the love of your children, be vigilant about their cell phones. Some great tips on how you can do this are available from Covenant Eyes.

3) Show your daughters what unconditional love looks like

If you do find your daughter looking at pornography, or if she comes to you for help, please, show her the unconditional love of her Father in Heaven. She probably is feeling an immense weight of shame already, and what she needs from you is the affirmation that she is still beautiful, and still loved. She will know that God still rejoices over her and doesn’t see her any differently by the way her parents do the same.

There was one time towards the beginning when my parents caught me with some relatively very minor stuff. My parents (following the Fear strategy and genuinely trying to do the best they could) basically gave me a show of anger, and went on about how what I was doing was “disgusting and shameful.”

After that, you bet I NEVER wanted to have that conversation with my parents again. So, did I stop looking at porn? Nope! I just got really, really good at hiding it. Punishment doesn’t work- it just creates a block in your kids’ minds from every talking to you about this again. This must be handled with love—unconditional, messy, and graceful love.

Lastly, be assured that the pains you go through now to protect your children will absolutely be worth it. It may be a long time until your children thank you for all of the anxiety and effort you’re going through, so on their behalf, I want to thank you now. Thank you for being proactive in raising your children in a way that will bring glory to God, and will set them on the best path to live out their vocation to love! St. John Paul II—Pray for us!