Although I primarily work with men who struggle with pornography addiction, I am working with more and more women who are struggling with this addiction. Thus, I feel it’s important to also address women who may be addicted to porn. While pornography addiction is still mainly a men’s issue, it is growing among women. There are approximately 245,200,000 Internet users in the United States, and 20-43% of users are online for sexual purposes alone. Close to 30,000 Internet users are viewing pornography each second, and one third of them are women.
Pornography addiction is growing among women; however, the addiction is different for them. To understand this, we must first define pornography. My definition of pornography is “Any image that leads a person to use another person for his/her own sexual pleasure.” When people read or hear the word “image” they often think of a visual image, such as a photo, picture or video. However, images can be also created with words. We must also understand that men and women are wired differently. Men are wired to be visually stimulated. Viewing erotic images produces high amounts of dopamine in a man’s brain. This creates an excitement or a “high,” which is very addictive. Women, however, are not as visually stimulated. Few women get the same high that men get while viewing pornography. Instead, women are more relationally stimulated. This is why many women enjoy romance novels, “chick flicks,” and soap operas. It is participation in a romantic relationship that gets the dopamine flowing in a woman’s brain. The more erotic the relationship, the more dopamine produced. This can be highly addictive for women.
Because women are more relationally stimulated, many are becoming addicted to online chat rooms. In a chat room, a woman can participate in an erotic, romantic relationship. In fact, two thirds of all visitors to chat rooms are women. Like visual pornography, chat rooms offer the promise of intimacy; however this is only an illusion. It’s a known fact that people lie in chat rooms and take on false personas. Thus, in a chat room, any woman can be a tall, blonde, voluptuous super model. In a chat room, a woman can participate in highly erotic conversations with strange men. It is as if she is writing her own romance novel where she is the heroine. Here is where she gets involved in pornographic images that are created with words.
Like men who view visual porn online, women can justify their use of chat rooms as “harmless adult entertainment.” They may believe that because it is only fantasy, there is nothing wrong with it. However, the reality is that it can be deadly! Because these erotic online relationships can result in high amounts of dopamine being produced in a woman’s brain, they can be highly addictive. They can end up taking over a woman’s life. I have worked with women who have jeopardized their marriages, families, and careers because of this addiction.
These online relationships can very dangerous for women. Studies have shown that women are more likely than men to actually meet the people they have met in chat rooms. In a woman’s mind, she may believe she has met a great guy and wants to meet him. They may set up a “date” at a restaurant or hotel. However, this is often met with disaster. Many times, the man never shows up, or if he does, he may just want to use her sexually as a one-night-stand. Even worse, he could turn out to be a serial rapist or a murderer. There is no telling what might happen on such a rendezvous.
So why do women get involved in chat rooms? Like men who view pornography, it may start out as “harmless adult entertainment.” But, for some women the need to go back to the chat rooms over and over again becomes compulsive. While there are many reasons for this, I believe the main one is a lack of intimacy. Many women, both single and married, are extremely lonely and crave intimacy. Not finding it in their current relationships, they resort to fantasy to fulfill this need. This is why sex addiction is often referred to as an “intimacy disorder.” These women are desperate for love, affirmation and approval. The roots of this wound can go back to childhood. Many of these women were not securely attached to their parents as young children. They may have had parents (especially fathers) who were abusive, addicted, cold, unaffectionate, or even rejecting of them. They did not meet their children’s basic emotional needs. Conrad Baars refers to this an emotional deprivation. The wound is so deep that even being married to a loving husband cannot ease the pain.
This type of pornography addiction for women is not limited to chat rooms. Extremely erotic romance novels, such as Fifty Shades of Gray can also be addictive. Many women enjoy reading romance novels because they are about relationships. However, when a romance novel becomes highly sexual, it can become just as addictive as visual pornography is for men.
Recovery from pornography addiction for women follows the same seven-point plan that I developed for men. However, counseling focuses on healing the intimacy wound. This can include working on forgiving parents who did not meet their emotional needs for love, affection, affirmation, acceptance and approval as children. Intimacy in current relationships is also strengthened. For married women, this can include marital therapy. Most of all, a greater intimacy with God is needed. Spiritual direction can be very helpful for this. Ultimately we need to see God as our loving father who is always caring for us. However, this may be difficult for some. This is where I recommend developing a devotion to the Holy Family, with Mary as a loving, nurturing mother, St. Joseph as an affectionate, protective father, and Jesus a protective big brother.
While most people still believe that pornography addiction is a men’s issue, it is growing for women. We all need to be aware of the ways that erotic media, whether visual or written, can affect our lives. If you or someone you know is struggling with Internet pornography, help can be found at https://www.integrityrestored.com/?page_id=879.
