So many men are addicted to pornography and masturbation. Many want to break free of these vices, but feel powerless. They may even start to think that there’s no hope for healing. Jim Gorski has been there, but he has also found a way to finally heal from his sexual addictions. Read this new blog to discover how he did it!
A person who feels powerless can have great hope for the future. This is because, while he realizes he doesn’t have the tools to fight this battle on his own, there are others who can help him win the battle. He is aware that there are many valuable resources available to him, and he uses them.
In studying those who struggle with pornography addiction, researchers found that many people, especially young people, did not struggle with many deep emotional wounds. These people, like Sean, came from healthy, intact families with loving parents and siblings. There were no major traumas in their lives. So the question arose, “How did these people become addicted to internet pornography?”
In my previous post I wrote about distinctions in addiction patterns, specifically addressing biological, psychological, and trauma-based addiction. One reason you or someone you are helping might be “stuck in the confessional” is that there is a psychological wound or trauma that needs to be addressed by a trained therapist. Another reason people get “stuck in the confessional is that going to confession and receiving absolution has, in fact, become part of their acting out ritual.
When a behavior is compulsive, there is a pattern of out of control behavior that occurs over time. A typical ritual involves the following:
Recognizing Rituals
Vulnerable time. This is simply a time period or circumstances in which a person is more likely to give in to sexually acting out. It could be the anniversary date of a traumatic event like the death of a parent, or some other kind of trauma. It could also be when someone has not had enough sleep. HALT and BLASTED are two acronyms used to identify vulnerable times (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, or Bored, Lonely, Agitated, Stressed, Tired). The vulnerable time makes a person more likely to be affected by triggers.
Trigger. A trigger is an event, situation, or interaction that has been habitually paired with sexually acting out. Being alone with unmonitored internet access, a difficult interaction with a supervisor or a girl in an internet ad can all be triggers for different people.
Emotional response. After the trigger there can be an emotional pull toward acting out, and physiological arousal may begin
Thought. Then the person might start thinking about acting out. They also might start thinking about not acting out, “I hope I don’t act out!”
Chemical dump. Next comes the flood of chemicals that get the brain ready and focused for sexual behaviors. Dopamine is released in anticipation of acting out. Dopamine actually helps the brain to focus on one thing. At this point it is very hard to break the pattern
Second thought. This would typically be something like “Well I guess I can start again tomorrow, this will be the last time, I kind of deserve this” etc.
Behavior
Remorse. Now the person feels great guilt, shame, and remorse
For a deeper look into Recognizing Rituals, watch this video.
Typical Ritual
Typically this plays out according to the following narrative:
Bob gets home after a long day. He didn’t schedule any activities for the evening because he wasn’t sure exactly who he would want to hang out with or what he would want to do. Now he has the entire evening ahead of him but no one to spend it with so he feels a bit lonely. In response to his loneliness, he checks Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and a couple of different email accounts. Each time he discovers that no one has reached out to him or messaged him. Some of his buddies have posted a picture of themselves at a bar, but they didn’t invite Bob. Now he feels lonely and rejected. So he rechecks his social media accounts just to be sure that he didn’t miss anything really amazing in the past 45 seconds (ironic sarcasm intended). This time there is a trigger. A girl from his high school posted pictures of herself at the beach. She has friends too. So he checks out the profile of her friend. Then he sees that his friend’s friend also has a pretty friend. Soon Bob is mindlessly scrolling through a friend of a friend of a friend’s bikini pictures on social media. After a while this gets old so he checks out YouTube.
At this stage Bob knows that he doesn’t want to go to a pornography site. So he sticks to YouTube and starts watching steamy scenes from movies that he remembers from the past. Then he moves on to the 10 most inappropriate commercials of 2017. He thinks to himself “At least I’m not looking at porn.” Then the chemical dump comes. Bob continues watching inappropriate videos on YouTube and after about 5 more minutes, he thinks “I might as well be looking at porn. I think I crossed the threshold of sin a few minutes ago.” Then he asks this question:
CAN I GET TO CONFESSION?
Asking this question is part of the ritual. If the answer is yes, then he will go on to the next step. He acts out with porn/masturbation. Then he thinks, “I fell once so I might as well keep going until I can go to confession since I’m already in a state of mortal sin.” There is more behavior, accompanied by lots of negative and shameful self-talk. Until he gets to confession.
Bob goes to confession which is actually the end of the ritual process for him. He resolves to never act out again. 7-10 days later he’s feeling vulnerable…….
The main lesson here is that for Bob and many others, going to confession has become blended with the acting out ritual. From the addict’s point of view, it isn’t the thing that pulls him out of the ritual but it is the final step in the ritual. Some young people even report that they “never feel loved except when going to confession after sexually acting out.” Another piece of anecdotal evidence for this link is that when addicts get sober, they don’t go to confession. The only time they have ever gone to confession in the past is when there was a sexual sin to confess, and oftentimes the only reason they went to confession was to be sure that they would be able to receive communion on Sunday. The primary reason that they wanted to receive communion on Sunday was so that a parent, wife, or girlfriend would not notice them absenting themselves from communion—which would draw suspicion about why they didn’t receive.
Breaking the Pattern
So another reason confession may not be helping is that it’s part of the ritual. We need to get the Ritual out of the ritual. We need to do something different. If you or a person you are working with identify with this cycle here are a couple of things you can do:
Non-sacramental confession. Find a priest, mentor, parent, 12 step fellowship sponsor, or good friend to talk to about your struggle with pornography and masturbation. Eventually, you will tell your story in its entirety and this will help you to be more honest with yourself and others.
Get the Ritual out of your ritual. Go to confession weekly for a while. There are many graces obtained there. You also need to learn to experience the sacrament of reconciliation outside of the context of confessing sexual sins.
Make phone calls during your vulnerable time. When I was young and we were bored or wondering what our friends were doing, we made phone calls (it was the best we had). But we always found someone to talk to which immediately answered our feelings of loneliness. Checking social media when you are lonely oftentimes leads to further feelings of rejection when someone realized that “no one has messaged me, tagged me, or liked my posts.” This perception of rejection will only reinforce the addiction ritual. Phone calls will break it.
The big three: Successful people do three things. Find a good spiritual director, Find a good counselor, and find a good group. People who do all three have the most success. If you want to get “unstuck”, beef up your plan.
For more information on rituals consult Dr. Kevin Skinner’s book Treating Pornography Addiction.
About a year ago, a priest approached me at a conference and made the following observation. “My students today seem different than they were a few years ago. It used to be that when someone was struggling with pornography and masturbation, I could recommend filters and a more structured prayer life and that would take care of it. Today that advice doesn’t seem to be working as well.” This observation is not an isolated one. More and more priests are looking for resources to help their students in the confessional. Blog posts are appearing calling on both traditional and non-traditional techniques for breaking free from pornography; Even Cosmopolitan magazine published a recent article on pornography as a public health crisis. In this post, I will try to shed some light on why things are different and give some concrete steps to move toward freedom.
WHY YOU CAN’T TEACH YOUNG DOGS OLD TRICKS
With regard to the observation that young people today seem different, that is true. They are. On your typical college campus the freshmen were exposed to pornography between 8-10 years old. The pornography they were exposed to is hard-core, high definition video. The sex acts they are exposed to are more violent than what we were exposed to when I graduated high school in 1992. It can be the case that a college freshman has been watching hardcore pornography regularly for 10 years before he arrives on campus. So, at a minimum, he or she is more escalated in the kinds of pornography he is watching. Escalation means that due to tolerance to the chemicals released in the brain through pornography and masturbation it now takes more pornography, or more intense pornography to achieve the same effect. The cycle of escalation might start with still nude photos, then videos, “romantic” pornography, group sex, violent pornography, gay pornography, bestiality, etc. One way to find out if escalation has taken place is to ask the question, “Do you watch pornography now that you once thought to be repulsive?”
Tolerance is one indicator that addiction is present. Other indicators would be: repeated attempts to stop the behavior without success, negligence of duties or relationships due to the behavior, loss of relationships or a job due to the behavior, significant loss of time, obsessing about the behavior, continuing the behavior despite consequences, experiencing withdrawal symptoms when the behavior ceases (insomnia, irritability, mood swings, pain in the genital area, painful urination can all be withdrawal symptoms. Having three of these indicators could mean that a person has developed an addiction. If you or someone you are helping would like to take a more detailed assessment, I recommend you take the Sexual Addiction Screening Test at the following web address: https://www.recoveryzone.com/tests/sex-addiction/SAST/index.php
3 kinds of addicts
Doug Weiss, Ph.D. identifies six types of addicts, here I will focus on three. The biological addict is the person who grew up in a relatively stable home, had good relationships, no trauma. They discovered pornography and developed a vicious habit. This kind of addict was more prevalent when I was growing up. Someone discovers pornography and masturbation in their teen years, the habit gets ingrained over time, and may or may not develop into a full-fledged addiction. This is the kind of person that can fight vice with virtue. Filters and a more structured spiritual life oftentimes pull the person out of this. This is the person that the priest in my opening paragraph was able to help relatively easily years ago.
The second addict is psychological. He or she uses pornography in order to avoid emotions. Sometimes it is used specifically to alter a mood, or to not feel anything at all by “numbing out.” This person may be triggered not only be sexually explicit materials but also by feeling unaffirmed, experiencing a fight between his/her parents, or even by everything seeming relatively ok. In addition to behavior change interventions, this person will most likely also need counseling in order to address the psychological difficulties that drive the addiction process.
The third addict is the trauma-based addiction. This person uses porn as a way of re-enacting trauma that they have experienced. The girl who watches violent porn may do so because she has been the victim of sexual violence in her past. The different scenario genres available on pornographic websites is an indicator that more and more people may be looking to re-enact or address past traumatic events (babysitter, step-mom, step-sibling, teacher-student, etc.). If there is past trauma or any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse the person will likely not find freedom unless he/she seeks counseling from a trained professional who is experienced in working with sexual addiction/sexual trauma.
Given these distinctions, it makes sense that our traditional strategies for addressing purity/sexual sin do not seem to be working anymore. According to Weiss, less than 15% of addicts are merely biological ones. More and more of our young people are growing up in difficult family situations, and more and more of them have some kind of trauma before leaving high school. Peer to Peer sexual abuse is becoming more common as young people are acting out what they see on the internet. Some professionals also believe that exposure to hardcore pornography at a young age (on average before the onset of puberty) is also a form of sexual trauma.
If you or someone you are trying to help seems to be “stuck in the confessional” it may be because addiction is present. If that is the case, it is highly recommended that in addition to the spiritual tools you are employing, you seek professional help. To find a counselor in your area check out THIS ARTICLE.
TO LEARN MORE ABOUT DR DOUG WEISS AND HIS “TYPES OF ADDICTS” CLICK HERE. YOU CAN ALSO FIND A LINK to buy his book: The Final Freedom.
I fell in love with my now ex-husband during my favorite season: the time between Halloween and Thanksgiving. We shared our friends and family at holiday gatherings, taking turns introducing each other with pride. It was a deeply bonding experience to watch the other represent our partnership to new people. At night, we twinkled over bonfires and sang love songs by the record player. We were young, attractive and successful. Behind his pinstripe suit and ring of business associates was a man with family values and a great sense of humor. He proposed, and we started trying for a baby the following year. I filled my days with yoga and decorating. I found my flow in married life quickly and soon enrolled in online college courses, started a fiction piece and resumed chasing my dreams, all while continuing to fulfill my “wifely duties.”
My then-husband, Sam*, had a 45-minute commute each way to and from his office in downtown Atlanta. Early on, he would be home by seven at the latest, never too late to share a meal. Atlanta is notoriously bad for traffic, so when he started “waiting it out” at his local crawl, I didn’t think twice about it. After a while, I realized we hadn’t had dinner together on a weeknight in almost a month. I wanted to trust him, but all the time alone at home went to my head. With no one around to talk me out of it, I installed spyware on his cell phone. (I do NOT suggest this as it is illegal in some cases, and massive breach of trust in almost all). I was relieved to discover he was not cheating on me. However, during his lunch break, the GPS feature showed Sam in the parking garage. During this time (for about an hour, sometimes up to two), the browser log listed pornography sites. Almost all the URLs listed included the word “transsexual.” My heart plummeted, and a chasm opened up between us where our intense sexual bond existed only seconds before. I felt the swelling expanse of doubt for our history together and the future to come. I read the evidence over and over to the point of obsession before something inside me snapped.
Every person is different, male and female, as is each relationship. I believe the spiral of hatred and disgust down which I was falling ceased only due to my mind, body and spirit’s last resort when faced with such a trauma: a complete numbness.
We pursued counseling, made extra strides in our sex life and put on brave faces for our families. Sam’s sexual advances increased in frequency and aggression. I retracted into my work. Nights turned to mornings like a waning tide. Two months later, we separated. I moved to the most beautiful beach I could find. I was in my mid 20’s, running circles around a deep emotional wound I wasn’t ready to face. That numbness continued for a long time, even when I thought the most beautiful beach would save me.
Since that day, I have sought, received and witnessed healing in many forms. I am able to feel again and most importantly, experience hope. Each day still brings new challenge, lessons and restored faith in my path. I was introduced to Integrity Restored and knew almost immediately that I wanted to help. Here, in this place, I will share the hope and healing I’ve found in my own modern life, and invite you to do the same. While my story may not be the same as yours, betrayal, loss of trust, and journey in recovery put us all on the same team.
I still believe in love. I take life and its people as they come. It would be nearly impossible to find a man or woman on this earth who hasn’t struggled with trust issues, addiction or trauma. There is no magic pill or dotted line that can secure freedom from forces like temptation and doubt. Let us explore a healing path on this journey to recovery together.
With hope and love,
Gia
*Names have been changed.
Twelve-step recovery groups have long been proven effective in helping addicts in recovery. However there are some who are reluctant to make these
groups part of their recovery program.
Here are five common objections and reasons to overcome them:
The most difficult part of any recovery program is attending your first 12-step meeting. There is the fear that others will find out about your addiction. Fortunately, the confidentiality of a 12-step group is as strong as the seal of confession. Nobody talks. There is also the fear of meeting someone you know at the meeting. While rare, this can be very awkward. However, it can also be a blessing because now you will have an ally in recovery. You can be accountability partners for each other.
Some people believe they can overcome their addiction without the help of a group. This approach to recovery is rarely successful. You need to surround yourself with other people who understand your addiction. They can support you in your recovery and keep you accountable. You will do the same for them in return. It’s this teamwork helps make recovery successful.
Another benefit of the group is that it helps people let go of shame. For many, the 12-step group is the first place where they have ever truly experienced true unconditional love and acceptance. Here is a group of people who will know your deepest, darkest secret and still love and accept you.
There are those who believe that 12-step groups don’t work. This is often due to their own experiences in groups of from stories they’ve heard. I have found that groups don’t work for people who are not totally committed to recovery and/or attending the 12-step group is all they are doing for their recovery. A 12-step group is only one component of recovery. A comprehensive recovery program must include counseling, education, spirituality and virtue, along with 12-step group attendance.
Although most recovery groups don’t subscribe to any particular religion, they do acknowledge the need for God in recovery. In addition, the 12-steps are based on Catholic beliefs and values. The first three steps are about surrendering to God and trusting him with your life:
1. We admitted that we were powerless over lust—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
The next six steps are about taking responsibility for one’s life, making amends, and living a virtuous Christian life:
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our selves (This is similar the Catholic examination of conscience).
5. We admitted to God, to our selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs (this is done in confession, in the group and with loved ones).
6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. The last three steps focus on continued growth in recovery and as a strong
Christian. A key part of this is helping others who are struggling with addiction.
10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to sexaholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Twelve-step groups have been around for over 80 years, since the founding of Alcoholics Anonymous. They have been proven effective for those who are committed to working the steps as part of a comprehensive recovery program. When combined with Catholic spirituality, they are even more effective.
In working the steps, one can incorporate the sacraments, scripture and daily prayer. Working the steps can also improve one’s relationship with God and other people. They are truly wisdom for living!
