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“Happy birthday, Son. How does it feel to be 14?”

“Oh about the same, Dad.”

“You’re growing up so fast… Have you … um… had wet dreams yet? … ”

This was the closest my dad ever got to talking to me about lust and pornography. He asked me this question on my 14th birthday and all I can remember is thinking “Dad… I’ve been looking at pornography and masturbating for a couple years already… It’s too late to talk about this…”

He must have seen the discomfort on my face, because he mumbled something like “Um… never mind.” and walked away. He never brought anything like that up again.

Sounds like I had a pretty bad father, right? The truth is, there is no man that I respect more. My father is an active parishioner, a 4th degree Knight of Columbus, a hard working educator, an active citizen, a loving parent, and an excellent role model. He prays for us kids every day, never complains about anything, and never waivers in his dedication to Christ. As I grew up, my father did everything right.

He reminds me of the phrase “Actions speak louder than words”. My observations of my dad’s actions taught me a lot and shaped me into who I am today. But, having a great role model while I was growing up did not help me when a sex scene flashed across the TV screen one night. I was shocked, confused, excited, and scared all at the same time. I tried to think of what my dad would do, but his actions didn’t speak very loudly right then: I had never seen his response to this situation.

Odds are, you fathers won’t be there to show your child what to do the first time he or she is exposed to pornography. In this case, actions aren’t enough; we need your words, too.

There are a lot of things I wish my dad and I had talked about on my 14th birthday. I wish he had told me that it was okay to talk to him about what I had already seen; I spent years fighting my pornography addiction alone because I didn’t know who to talk to. I wish he had told me that he loved me no matter what; I stayed addicted for so long because I felt disgusting and empty. I wish he had told me that there was hope; I didn’t have any right then. I wish that he had talked to me two years earlier.

It is never too early to talk to your kids about pornography. You don’t have to be an expert. You don’t have to warn them or scare them. They just need to know that it’s okay to talk to you. They need to know that you love them and you will never be ashamed of them. And don’t have this conversation once!

If my father had told me these things repeatedly as I grew up, I would have known that what I first saw was not my fault and that my dad would still love me if I told him about it.

If you’re nervous about having this conversation with your child, read how Matt Fradd responded to his 7 year old when he asked what porn is.