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Jay Stringer, author of “Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing,” suggests that before we will ever find our way clear of unwanted sexual behavior, we must first look at what these behaviors are trying to communicate to us. While I continue to struggle with the thesis that we must unpack all of our history before we can chart a course to healthier thoughts and behaviors in our sex lives, I have found it interesting to look at my sexual history. In this post I will try to briefly outline my introduction into sexual content, the explosion of exposure to pornography, my various attempts at extrication from the scourge, and then, finally PRAISE BE TO GOD, my release from the bondage of pornography in my life.

My first exposure to pornography was in either sixth or seventh grade. I am the second youngest of five boys. My oldest brother had a huge collection of magazines in his bedroom closet. When he was a senior in high school, he became extremely sick and almost died. While he was in the hospital, my mom gave me the task of cleaning out his room, including getting rid of three or four large garbage bags of porn. I remember looking briefly through the magazines, but can’t remember being obsessively drawn to them. Early on in high school, I was quite naive with regard to sexual activity. I remember some guys making a joke about masturbation, and knowing that I should laugh at the joke; but also knowing that I didn’t know what they were talking about.

During my sophomore year of high school, I began working in a local liquor store that sold pornographic magazines. Other stock boys and I would sneak magazines into the staff bathroom to steal looks, and I discovered masturbation. In my family, I vaguely remember the basic message was that looking at Playboy and masturbation were normal for teenage boys, but also “wrong” and should be kept private. In spite of this exposure, I remained naive as to what sex would really be like between guys and girls. With the exception of fantasy, and occasional viewing of porn magazines, I remained naive and unconfident throughout high school.

I began dating my wife during my second year of college. On our second date, she confessed that she had had sex with her former boyfriend. On our third date, we had sex for the first time. I knew she knew far more about sex than I, and to suggest it was awkward would be an understatement. During our two-year courtship, we would strive for chastity, fall, feel shame, and dream of guilt-free sex after marriage. My exposure to porn was limited to occasional guilt-ridden trips to a local adult bookstore. In the early ’80s, access was far less than it is today!

Our early married life was pretty normal, I guess. I don’t remember masturbation being a huge issue until after our first child was born. I was busy finishing my master’s degree in social work. My wife was working full time. Her energy level and interest in sex were not as high as I would have liked. When I would masturbate, I would fantasize about being very desirable and adept at satisfying my partner.

Sometime during my second social work job, approximately eight years into marriage and following the birth of our second child, I got computer access with limited internet access. I had been attracted to “panty lines” and started undressing women with my eyes. This leering resulted in a complaint made to the head of the agency that I was “creating a hostile work environment.” The settlement offer I got on my departure allowed me to find an even better job with better pay, but it was 50 miles from home. This new job gave me a computer with practically unlimited internet access.

Over the next seven years, my pornography use exploded. My relationship with my wife became more challenged. Our family grew to four kids. My wife would discover a stash of porn. We would fight. I would vacillate between blaming her for not being more interested in sex and feeling totally shame filled. I would commit to myself and her that I would stop with the porn. I reached another crisis point when it was discovered that I used work computers to view porn. Not only was I fired from that job, but my employer filed an ethics complaint against me, and my social work license was suspended. One might think that the devastation of losing not only a job, but also the career that you worked so hard to earn would be the “bottom” and motivate you to do things differently.

My wife and I went to counseling. I completed online courses, I read books. I tried countless times to extricate myself from the scourge of porn and masturbation. I’d have periods of abstinence and then I would crash and burn. After a slip I would become discouraged and desperate, and plummet into binge masturbation to the point where my skin was raw. I tried many of the strategies suggested in the books. I identified danger periods. For me the worst times were mornings after waking up, and right before bed. At the recommendation of one of the programs, I began reading the Liturgy of the Word in the morning. I discovered the Laudate app, a free Catholic app for your phone that has a ton of resources. With this single app, I have grown my morning time to include reading about the saint of the day, the Liturgy of the Word, and three reflections on the Liturgy of the Word and listening to a fourth while I take my shower. At night, I fall asleep to the podcast of the Scriptural Rosary, also available on the app.

However, my sales job required that I spend many hours out and about and I discovered that porn was available at the public libraries. While mornings and evenings were covered, down time in the middle of the day was out of control. The discouragement with this oftentimes led me to abandon the morning and evening disciplines. I wondered if I would ever be able to find my way free of porn. I saw myself as hopelessly flawed. However, at the same time, it was all fantasy. In spite of the tens of thousands of girls and women I have seen online, the only sexual partner I have ever had is my wife!

I completed a self-directed retreat put together by Fr. Michael Gaitley titled “33 Days to Merciful Love: A Do-It-Yourself Retreat in Preparation for Consecration to Divine Mercy.” At the time, I felt called to complete this. I can’t explain why. I did not have any hope that it would be the ultimate answer to the decades-old prayer to free me from the hold that porn had on me. It wasn’t until I was a year clear from porn, still fighting masturbation, that I began to entertain the belief that porn no longer had a hold on me.

After two years clean of porn, due in large part to the change of my vision of my relationship with God following my Consecration to Divine Mercy, I began the process of entering the diaconate formation. The very beginning of this process is a questionnaire. Because I shared my battle with porn in the answers to the questions, I was asked to have a meeting with the assistant director and director of the program. I shared in even more detail what my journey looked like. The assistant director asked if I had ever thought about developing a program to help others who struggle with similar issues. It wasn’t until I began to reflect on the previous two years that I started to own my freedom.

I also shared in detail my challenges at a parish-based retreat called “Christ Renews His Parish.” It was freeing for the most part. Participants were affirming and many thanked me for breaking the code of silence. I found a Facebook group named Integrity Restored and quickly became connected with several other resources to help keep me clean.

I now feel as though I have been on overdrive regarding learning the countless tentacles that the sin of habitual sexual behavior has on each of us and those we love. I have grown in my trust of God’s mercy and love. Through His grace, with the exception of a few slips, I am beyond grateful to be able to report that I have been masturbation free as well as porn free. I am beginning to believe that it is actually possible to be a man and masturbation and porn free! As recently as two years ago, I would have prayed for this, but would never have believed it was possible for me. The more freedom I have enjoyed, the more my communication with my wife has improved. The keys to the victory are: growing trust in God’s love, mercy and sufficiency; regular immersion in God’s Word; fellowship in community; the wonderful Sacraments of Eucharist and Reconciliation; and lastly God’s AMAZING GRACE

Jim Gorski is a 60-year-old father of four children who has been married to the same woman for 36 years. He completed his master’s degree in social work in 1984 and has directed church music groups for the past 40 years. He remains a grateful child of the Most High God and strives to trust in God’s loving mercy and His ability to provide for his every need.