Wives: When it Feels Like Your World is Falling Apart
When Karen discovered her husband’s pornography addiction, her world seemed to fall apart.
She felt deeply hurt and betrayed. Suddenly the man she had been married to for fifteen years was a total stranger to her. She felt she could never trust him again. She did not feel safe with him. She moved into another bedroom and wouldn’t allow her husband to touch her.
Emotionally, Karen cycled through many painful emotions: anger, sadness, fear, shame, embarrassment, etc. She sought professional help because she couldn’t understand what she was going through and it scared her. What Karen was experiencing was trauma.
Understanding Trauma
A person experiences trauma when they encounter a dangerous situation where they have no control. Their ability to feel safe has been shattered and they will go to great lengths to regain that control – even if those lengths are unhealthy. Barbara Steffans and Marsha Means in their book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse list four general symptoms of trauma related to sexual addiction.
Note that there is much overlap among the symptoms:
1. Avoidance
Here the traumatized wife will avoid activities or other reminders of the traumatic event. Some wives may choose to look at porn with their husbands to avoid conflict and hoping that he will turn to her for sex. Others will avoid sex altogether. Still others will numb their feelings or deny the situation. They will detach from their husbands emotionally.
2. Re-experiencing
Recurrent and intrusive thoughts and memories of the traumatic event that cannot be controlled. A wife may be plagued with constant thoughts about what her husband has done. These thoughts can consume a person’s energy and intensifies the anxiety.
3. Avoidance and Arousal
A wife may ignore her “intuition” or new evidence that her husband is acting out again. On the other hand, she may become hyper vigilant in trying to control her environment. She may try to control when her husband uses the computer, how long and what websites can be accessed.
4. Arousal
This is intense emotional pain. This can include feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, and shame. Some women have panic attacks and/or uncontrollable crying. She may wonder what she did wrong to cause her partner to turn to pornography. The shame and embarrassment may keep her from telling others about her situation. She might try to control every aspect of her husband’s life to prevent being hurt again.
These behaviors are meant to protect the wife from being hurt any further. The goal is to ensure safety. While Karen experienced all four reactions to trauma, Re-experiencing, Avoidance and Arousal, and Arousal were the strongest. She would have “flashbacks” of when she discovered her husband’s pornography addiction and the weak excuses he provided. She would also try to control him by limiting his access to the Internet and would scour their credit card statements and phone bills to identify any additional pornography use. This left her feeling deeply depressed and anxious. Karen realized what she was doing was not helping her recover.
She felt as if she were going crazy.
Treating Trauma
In therapy, Karen learned that her reactions were normal. She also agreed they were not healthy. Through individual and marital therapy, Karen was able to find healing for her trauma. By understanding pornography addiction as a disease and not simply a moral failing, Karen could begin to forgive her husband. In their marital sessions they discussed his painful childhood and how he had used porn to self-medicate deep emotional wounds.
Her husband took full responsibility for his addiction and actively participated in his recovery program. He was totally honest and transparent with Karen. All of this helped her rebuild trust in her husband and heal their marriage. Joining a women’s support group helped her realize she was not alone. This fortified her recovery process.
Seeing how his pornography use affected Karen strengthened her husband’s resolve to recover from his addiction and restore their marriage. He never wanted to hurt her so deeply, and he was determined to never do it again.
Hope for Wives
If you are struggling with trauma because of your husband’s pornography use, there is hope for healing. With professional help and God’s healing power, you can recover from the trauma. You can restore your life and your marriage. God won’t leave you alone in this process. He will walk with you every step of the way guiding you to the people and the resources that can help you!
A Word to Husbands
While society portrays pornography use as a “victimless crime,” husbands need to realize the truth about it. There are many victims of pornography use. Wives are prime victims. As you can see above, your pornography use can be extremely traumatizing for your wife. God calls men to be strong leaders, providers and protectors. You need to protect your wife from anything that could harm her. This includes your pornography use. By making the commitment to never view pornography, you are protecting your wife from severe harm.
Dr. Peter Kleponis
Hi,
I’m currently having the same situation as mentioned in the article about Karen. “Emotionally, cycled through many painful emotions: anger, sadness, fear, shame, embarrassment” all at the same time. It started with him keeping in touch with his “ex-girlfrind” behind my back, addicted to porn, searched history of life chat, live video chat & caught him masturbating, always lying & always act innocently, always love to drink alcohol without any limit or hiding it from me & likes looking at girls although it will hurt me in front of my childrens. But after 2 years plus now, nothing seems to work out. My relationship with my husband is getting worse than before. We have been arguing & fighting almost every single thing. We kept arguing for like almost every week & we keep silence with a cold shoulder for up to 3weeks without any sex nor talking to each other. Whenever we in our cold & silence war, we would sleep on different beds or do things separately. I’m feeling trapped because I feel like I need to stick by him because I have 2 children who is 11 years old & 10 years old. The thing is, I have a husband who will always denys for the things he had done & somehow he can twist & turn things another way round like I’m in the fault instead of blaming himself. He can sometimes twist things by giving me a kind of smile & him being a very annoyed person. He has a temper that he would likes to push me around & saying many hurtful things to me & he now always shows it in front of both my children’s of what he can be with his temper. He always loved to hit himself or knocks his head on the wall when he is alone at the leaving room. He is from a broken family & now I feels like my family is going into that direction as well. I’m currently feels like my feelings are changing like the love I used to have for him is not the same anymore. I’m always tried my best to not give up & to stay by his side but always falls into disappointment. All I want is to get out of this life without him. All of his ego, selfish mistake had blinded my very own family who thinks I was going crazy, that thinks I’m in delusions & that they had took my to see a psychiatric & I was under medication for a month. I stopped the medication as one of my uncle told me I don’t look pale & unactive & at that time, during my medication period, I had undergo without any feelings of emotions. Now I clueless in my marriage & relationship with my husband. To me I have lost the trust for him, I felt unsecured with him as my husband, I just feel like we are a stranger to one another, I feel used by him for my 5 years of relationship & 12 years of marriage. What should I do? He is always promising to change but he never did, always saying sorry & now he never listen to the things we tried to share & communicate with each other anymore. In need of some advise please, thanks